List of fights in this episode:
  1. Minion vs. Codebreaker
  2. Ankle Biter vs. the Master
  3. Hazard vs. Blade Runner
 


Pre-fight ranting:


Minion vs. Codebreaker

Our first glimpse of Minion this season. Minion is a veritable tank, a massive 6-wheeled wedge with wheel guards and a vertical circular saw on the back. Minion is still the #1 ranked SHW, which suprises me a bit because Minion was removed very early in the competition last year courtesy of the luckiest shot of No Apologies' career. I guess Minion could go either way in my random genderization scheme, having a wedge and a circular blade, but I'm going to lean female. We last saw Codebreaker in episode 3, clicky to go back and read the description of this bot there.

OK, RFT. Codebreaker drives over to the red square, where Minion is spinning back and forth, apparently in a state of complete indecision over whether the wedge on the front or the saw on the back makes for a better first impression in combat. Eventually Codebreaker makes up her mind for her by smashing into her rear with the drum. Codebreaker goes under Minion's saw and under Minion in general, then smushes Minion into the spikes. Now we have Minion spinning back and forth again, apparently in a state of complete indecision over whether the wedge on the front or the saw on the back makes a better second impression in combat. Eventually Codebreaker makes up her mind for her by driving up the wedge on the front. Minion drives away and then settles on the wedge for the third impression. Minion drives past Codebreaker and Codebreaker gives chase which leads to a period of drum on blade contact, and a fair amount of sparks. Now we've got Codebreaker with the drum on the side of Minion, working on that wheel guard. I sense that this might be a wise strategy. Codebreaker seems to abandon that perfectly fine strategy of going after the side of Minion and reverts to a direct hit on Minion's rear saw with the drum. We get a replay of the first time this move was attempted, complete with Codebreaker underneath Minion and Minion being violently delivered to the spikes. Now we've got a relatively extensive period of drum on saw wrestling taking place directly on top of the killsaws. Pete must be off filming a Can Cam bit or something because the saws are strangely silent. Now we've got Codebreaker under Minion again (what is Minion, a safety blanket or something?) and I swore for a moment that one of the killsaws popped for about 0.1 seconds. OK, enough obsessing about the saws, or lack thereof, because back at the fight we've got Codebreaker being very aggressive with numerous hits on Minion's rear. Now we've got Codebreaker being very aggressive with numerous hits on the wheel guard again. Codebreaker gets Minion under the hammer. PowPow! Minion backs off, and over the saws, and I guess Pete's back from Can Cam or vacation or Snickers bar break or whatever because the saws pop and Minion takes kind of a saw hit. Now there's massive Codebreaker drum action on the right side of Minion, and I see that Minion's rear right tire is completely hosed, tread flapping in the wind, and yes, it is affecting Minion's ability to move. Codebreaker and Minion take a saw hit, and now we have Codebreaker being super annoying with the drum. I think that maybe Minion is running away, or maybe Minion is attacking with the wedge (since the saw blade is kind of broken) or maybe Minion is just moving with random Brownian motion or something with that wretched tread and all. Now Codebreaker gets back under safety blanket Minion and smushes Minion into the spikes. Now we've got Minion under Codebreaker and not much happening and Codebreaker again under Minion and Codebreaker annoying Minion's side and another hosed Minion wheel, and is it three minutes yet? Well, whaddya know. Clock appears as the final seconds tick away. Game Over. Minion looks very pounded. Judges agree, 32-13 decision for Codebreaker.


Ankle Biter vs. the Master

Ankle Biter is apparently the CC Battlebots TV darling for this season. This is the third time we've seen this bot. See here or here for the bot description. The Master is an interesting bot, if for no other reason than it was built by the Mechadon guy. The Master is a T-shaped bot, with two big, hollow, treaded spheres as wheels, and a hastily added saw replacing the wedge at the long end of the T as a weapon. The Master reminds me completely of a mobile Van-Der-Graff generator.

Ooh. A broken yellow light on the light tree. RFT. Ankle Biter travels a few feet out of the red square and then sits there waiting for the Master to mosey on over to her. And I do mean mosey. After numerous seconds tick off the clock we have a collision of saws and a fountain of sparks. Looked cool, but I don't think there was much damage inflicted by anybody. Now we've got bot rhumba and another saw collision, but not as many sparks as the first time. Now we're all Arthur Miller Ballroom for Bots and Ankle Biter finally gets in a hit on one of the spheres with the saw. Neat. There's something weird going on with balance on the Master, who keeps popping wheelies. I just noticed that there are itty bitty wheels on the bottom of the gas engine that runs the saw on the Master. They're so cute. Otay, another saw to saw hit, and a brief puff of smoke from Ankle Biter. Gezundheit. Now there's Bot Bossa Nova and then Ankle Biter slices off the Master's saw like the deli counter droid slices through room-temperature dill havarti. I think that significantly reduced the Master's chance of winning this match, but let's see what transpires anyway, shall we? A good shot of the decapitated saw blade and then we return to the bot action where Ankle Biter is busy removing the tread from one of the spheres. I think that even further reduced the the Master's already miniscule chance of winning this fight, but let's see what transpires anyway, shall we? The Master keeps flipping over while Ankle Biter gets another good hit on the treadless sphere. Now the killsaws get a good hit on one of the spheres, and the Master is looking mighty dinged. The Master continues to flip back and forth while Ankle Biter circles, chuckling to herself and trying to determine what the next best move might be. For some reason, Ankle Biter decides that pirouetting in place and taking a killsaw hit is the best choice of action. I might have chosen something different, but that's OK because the Master is still sitting there flipping. Ankle Biter tires of spinning and just goes in with the saw. The blade gets embedded in the cross-bar part of the T, allowing Ankle Biter to carry the Master anywhere in the box that she chooses. I think that this significantly reduces the already sub-atomically small chance that the Master might win this fight, but let's see what transpires, shall we? Ankle Biter smushes the Master into the screw, which abuses the Master but separates the bots. Ankle Biter immediately gets under the Master, takes a huge running start, and delivers the Master to the spikes at a very high rate of speed. One of the spikes pierces one of the hollow spheres, and the Master ends up impaled on the strip, the height of indignity. I think Game Over has transpired for the Master. Final shot of the very nasty saw gash in one of spheres. Ouch.


Hazard vs. Blade Runner

Hazard needs no introduction. Hazard just is. Blade Runner is a thwackbot with some sort of special Hazard-killing wedgie addition on the thwacker, and a builder consumed with doing Hazard in, but it really doesn't matter because the Tao of Bots says that since Hazard has bothered to show up for the match, Hazard will win.

OK RFT. Hazard spins up in the red square while Blade Runner cautiously approaches and now the bots eye each other, and continue to eye each other, and continue to eye each other, and then Hazard somewhat drives up on the wedgie thwack addition, and then the wedgie thwack addition gets wedged under Hazard's blade, stopping the blade. Interesting. Hazard gets away, drives off, and spins up the blade like nothing happened. Maybe that wasn't so interesting after all. Now Blade Runner manages to get his butt end facing Hazard, and Hazard, of course, seizes the opportunity to get in some blade damage. Now Blade Runner is spinning in place, trying to thwack something. This will only be effective if Hazard drives into him while he's spinning. Hazard actually drives into him while he's spinning. The first hit is on the rear of Blade Runner, the second hit is on the side of the wedgie addition, and the third hit removes 50% of Blade Runner's tireage. What do you call a one-wheeled thwackbot? A doorstop. A paperweight. A speed bump. All of the above. Certainly not the winner. We get a close up the now-lonely wheel, and then Hazard puts on a show, deconstructing Blade Runner into a series of increasingly smaller parts. Game Over, dude.