- There's been all sorts of talk about how to get Battlebots to be as big as NASCAR. I've
been a NASCAR fan for the last 10 years, and my first comment is, you can't make it that big.
My second comment is that if you want to make Battlebots just plain bigger, you've got to
push the builders as personalities, and not just as random nerds who talk about speed controllers.
That's how NASCAR does it. Really, cars going in circles with Driver A is trying to get around Driver B is dull.
Cars going in circles when Driver A is trying to get around Driver B, and Drivers A and B have
a long history of not getting along, and Driver A is your favorite driver and Driver B is a buttmunch
who does nothing but take other people out and generally drive like a moron, now that's exciting.
You've got to put a face and a personality to the robots. And it would definitely help to have a
team or two that everybody hates.
- Buying Lego Mindstorms so that you can build Lego versions of your favorite bots is a quality way
to waste time. Although not as quality as this.
- I loved them asking Brian Nave if push bots ruled. Hehehe. It only took me two years to
finally understand my first inside joke.
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Professor Electra is back. Yuk. Ptui.
Phrizbee-Ultimate vs. Ice Berg
OK, we're starting to see a bunch of bots for the second time, which means I can go easier on the
descriptions. We last saw Phrizbee-Ultimate in Episode 5. Phrizbee-Ultimate is still Thor's hockey
puck. Phrizbee-Ultimate's opponent is Ice Berg, which looks kind of like New Cruelty except with fewer wheels and
more snowplow. (For those not in on this comparison, we're talking a red box with six wheels
and snowplow that's oversized in the horizontal direction.) Actually I take that back. If you look
closer at Ice Berg, he's got six sets of two wheels, twelve wheels total. That's actually more than
New Cruelty, and maybe more than any other bot in this competition.
OK RFT. Phrizbee-Ultimate spins to speed in the blue square while Ice Berg drives to the middle of the box and
spins in place. I'm not sure I get that, but Ice Berg's spinning doesn't last for long and here he's
going after the spinning Phrizbee-Ultimate. Ice Berg lands a glancing blow with the left side of the snowplow. The
snowplow bends a bit. Now Ice Berg is trying to recover from something and Phrizbee-Ultimate comes over and gives him
a shot in the left center wheels. Ooof. Actually, ooooooof. It's the big bang of Ice Berg wheel parts
scattered all over the box. Phrizbee-Ultimate rebounds from the hit directly into the screw. I think the screw
bends a bit. OK, here's amazing design idea #1 for this episode, the double wheels. All those parts
we just saw fly about the box, those were only from the outside wheels of the center and
rear left pairs
of Ice Berg's wheels. The inside wheels are for the most part intact, allowing Ice Berg to continue motoring around
the box just fine. Sweet. So now we've got Phrizbee-Ultimate in the slowplow and the snowplow is REALLY taking a
beating. Now there's a head on collision, and the snowplow is history, rudely ripped from its
perch on the front of Ice Berg. Now Ice Berg is in the corner closest to me in my comfy chair, and way in the
background, in the corner by the ramp, I can see Phrizbee-Ultimate banging off the walls, but more importantly,
NOT SPINNING. Hoo boy. I sense the beginning of the end. Ice Berg is a smart robot. He makes a beeline
for Phrizbee-Ultimate, smashes into her, massively smushes her into the screws, and then completely rides up on her
back. Oh the indignity. It looks like Phrizbee-Ultimate is overcome with shame at this turn of events, and slowly
wanders around in front of the spikes, perhaps looking for a closet to jump into. Now it appears
that Phrizbee-Ultimate has found an imaginary closet as she just comes to a stop, allowing Ice Berg to take a big
running start and ultra-smush her into the spikes, which now appear to be vertical. You know,
if I was the spikes, I'd be calling OSHA, asking for protective gear to be issued. So now I
think that Phrizbee-Ultimate is stuck on the front of Ice Berg, who spins around, gets up a head of steam, and
impales Phrizbee-Ultimate on a different spike strip. Smush. Smush. Smush. Extended smush. Ice Berg throws it in reverse
and rams into Phrizbee-Ultimate, who is still caught up in the spikes. Ice Berg throws it in reverse, Phrizbee-Ultimate comes out of her
closet and drives away, and Ice Berg rams himself directly into the spikes. That was actually kind of
funny. Otay. Now it looks like maybe Phrizbee-Ultimate was pounding back a few Bloody Mary's whilst hiding
in her closet, as she's now aimlessly dribbling around in the corner near the hammer, with
occasional help from Ice Berg to keep her there. Pow! You
just knew that was going to happen. The hammer hit did not help Phrizbee-Ultimate's locomotion predicament,
as she now stumbles out of the corner, only to be immediately collected by Ice Berg and smushed back
into the spikes. Oh dear. Phrizbee-Ultimate is in the last stages of consciousness. Phrizbee-Ultimate wiggles a bit in front
of the spikes, only to be immediately collected by Ice Berg, and smushed into the screw back by the hammer.
And now the other screw. What was I saying about indignity? Now we've got Phrizbee-Ultimate with involuntary
muscle spasms propelling her out from the corner, only to be immediately collected by Ice Berg and placed
back under the hammer. Pow! Pow! OK, now we have Phrizbee-Ultimate oozing out from under the hammer, only to
be immediately collected by Ice Berg and smushed into the screw. Smush. Smush. Smush. Extended smush.
Now Phrizbee-Ultimate rides up on the screw, up, up, up, and over! Smash. Phrizbee-Ultimate falls over on her back. If this
wasn't a debacle before, it certainly is now. Tim is all "This fight could be over", and well, duh.
What amazes me is that there's still enough time for the count out, because it seems to me like
this fight has been going on for about 5 minutes. We get a close up of the completely beat to
crap Ice Berg, who has somehow managed to take a licking and keep on ticking. Count out, Game Over for
Final Destiny vs. Diesector
Yippee!!! It's our first time seeing the Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots, Diesector!!!!
Diesector is still the enormous gray box with enormous black wheels, and gargantuan yellow jaws
that open wide enough to lift the front of the bot off of the ground. It appears that there
are some modifications to the generic Diesector design. The hammers have been removed for this fight,
and there's now a snowplow where the tail used to be. Even more important there's a double-barreled
probocis that has been added to the front of the jaws, so now Diesector looks like a giant mosquito
as well. The reason for these modifications is no doubt Diesector's opponent, the monster from
Episode 6, Final Destiny. Donald Hutson's pre-fight comment? "We're
going to remove his clovers, (slow and ominously) one by one." Well, from looking at that
beautiful picture on battlebots.com, I know he gets at least one of them....and I guess if I was
really paying attention to the Bots Gone Wild segment from a few weeks ago, I'd know more.
OK, RFT. Here's Diesector immediately across the box, meeting Final Destiny near the blue square,
and soon we're being treated to amazing design idea #2 for this episode, that probocis added to
Diesector's jaws. It's perfect for poking and lifting Final Destiny's skirts. We've got a period of Diesector poking around
the bottom of Final Destiny, which I guess tickles her the wrong way as Final Destiny drives away. Diesector repositions
and starts up on the skirts, and gets under one, and lifts it up, and wait, there's sparks.....oh,
this is magnificent. Diesector is lifting up the skirts high enough so that they get in the path of
Final Destiny's own blade. Final Destiny removes her own skirt. What a brilliant strategy. I would
not have thought to do that. Even if I did think to do that, I would not have been able to whip
up a modification to accomplish the task half as well as that probocis. This is why Donald Hutson
has a few golden nuts sitting on his mantle at home and I sit here and write these
intelligence-challenged reviews. Now we've got Diesector with the probocis poking around Final Destiny's skirts again, and
Final Destiny trying to lumber away, and if someone was poking my skirt, I'd be running away as well.
Now Diesector manages to get the skirts lifted up again, except that this time Final Destiny's got her blade stopped.
Oh my my. Final Destiny has really got herself in a predicament. She's stuck between Diesector and the screws.
Move one way, probocis poke. Move the other way, bounce off the screw. Now we've got more
sharp strategy by Diesector, who backs off to allow to Final Destiny to get away from the screw and spin up her blade.
It looks like one of the skirts is bent. Diesector pops that skirt with the plow. Final Destiny gets off balance,
but manages to get it back under control. Now we've got both bots near the saws, and Diesector takes a
hit and throws sparks, and it's hard to see, but I think that Final Destiny catches the edge of the the bent
skirt on the saw, sending the skirt flying across the box and Final Destiny back into convulsions. Hoo boy.
Final Destiny is looking mighty beat at this point. Two skirts down, and now a third one bent. I guess this
really isn't a suprise, because CC would not have made it a point to record Donald talking about
such things occurring if they hadn't already occurred. Ah, the two skirts that were removed were
adjacent to each other, so it leaves a large area where the little tiny wheeled box that is really all there is to
Final Destiny is exposed. The effect is not unlike Toto pulling aside the curtain in the Wizard of Oz.
<booming voice>PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE BOX PART UNDER THE SKIRTS!</booming voice> OK,
enough of this tomfoolery. Back at the fight, Diesector has changed his strategy, and is now using the exposed
area to push Final Destiny to the saws. Zzzzz. Push to another set of saws, and position so that there's
a skirt on each set. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Now for further degradation, Diesector lets Final Destiny run away and spin
up the blade. Here comes Diesector, lifting a third skirt, and letting Final Destiny do the rest. Zing! Three
down, three to go. OK, now we've got Diesector all with the probocis except this time it appears that
he gets it under the box part of Final Destiny. That's the death blow, as Final Destiny goes vertical and then splats
down on her back. Harsh. Crowd goes nuts, Diesector opens the jaws wide just because he can, then does
the victory spin while the Final Destiny folks just shake their heads. Team Mutant Robots jump up and down
as we get a final shot of the pitiful former monster Final Destiny, inverted on top of her blade, skirts splayed,
reduced to nothing more than a small blue hexagonal shaped box with little wheels spinning against nothing but air. You almost
feel sorry the poor creature. Go Diesector!
(And for anyone out there snickering about exposed box jokes, get a life you perverts!)
El Diablo vs. Ankle Biter
We last saw Ankle Biter two months ago in Episode 1. Yup, Ankle Biter still looks like
that. El Diablo is a flat red box, with an oversized rotating drum on the front, and two
monstrous killsaw magnets. Why. Do. People. Put. Treads. On. Bots.
OK, RFT. Both bots exit their squares and we've got bot rhumba, and then El Diablo puts a
sideways hit on Ankle Biter's vertical saw. The saw is indeed spinning for this match. Remember that,
it will be important in about ten seconds. OK, Ankle Biter has a saw. El Diablo has treads. Even I can see the
obvious strategy, and here we go with Ankle Biter putting two hits on El Diablo's treads. The hits seem to be
on the side of El Diablo but perpendicular to the treads, which doesn't appear to be the most
efficient way to get the task completed. Ankle Biter seems much quicker on the ball for this fight and
puts a third hit directly on the front of the tread. See ya later!!! OK, I'd say this is game over,
but El Diablo can still spin in a circle with one tread. Ankle Biter comes over and puts two hits on El Diablo's drum with
the saw. The second hit turns Ankle Biter sideways a bit, and Ankle Biter's tire hits the drum. This pops Ankle Biter up in the
air and Ankle Biter bounces off of the top of El Diablo and then bounces onto the floor. On the way down to the
floor, Ankle Biter's saw slits El Diablo's remaining tread. OK. Game Over. Wait. We've still got footage of
El Diablo spinning his sprockets or whatever it was that held the treads on, while Ankle Biter victory spins. Now we've
got Ankle Biter pushing El Diablo to the saws, and the saws popping, and sparks, and zzzzzz, and finally the
count out and GAME OVER.