List of fights in this episode:
  1. Maximus vs. Vladiator
  2. Diesector vs. New Cruelty
  3. Diesector vs. Vladiator
  

Pre-fight ranting:

Maximus vs. Vladiator

SHW semifinal mania. Bot A, invertible wedge that drives real fast. Bot B, invertible wedge that drives real fast. Let's go.

OK RFT. Maximus starts off the action by driving into two separate screws and then delivering a glancing blow to Vladiator's wedge. Now there's some looking and a major wedge on wedge collision. Vladiator pops in the air a bit but not much else happens. Now Maximus is under Vladiator and stuffs him into the spikes, and then Maximus finishes off by stuffing himself into the spikes, because god forbid if Maximus should pass up an opportunity for self-inflicted hazard damage. Now we've got both bots aiming and another minor wedge-on-wedge hit, and then Maximus takes a mighty running start and runs himself directly into the spikes over by the hammer and then into the spikes on the far side of the hammer, and Pete doesn't activate the hammer even once because it's so much fun to watch Maximus run into the walls without any outside help. Actually, I think that Maximus was actually aiming for Vladiator in that last volley because he did pass within about a foot of him. Before Maximus can put any distance between himself and the spikes, Vladiator comes over and stuffs him again, and we see one of the spikes fly across the box as Maximus surfs the spike strip. Then we get a closeup of Gage Cauchois' severed tendon, which I'm sure that someone probably finds attractive, and then we return to bot action and a period of mutual spike stuffing. I feel for the spikes. They have a weight and mobility disadvantage in this match. After the spike stuffings, Maximus slams Vladiator into the wall by the ramp, and then both bots leave that corner, and Vladiator backs into the spikes on the other side of the box, followed by Maximus driving forward into the spikes on the other side of the box. But I think that Maximus may have been aiming for Vladiator, as Vladiator was a few inches away. Now we've got a butt-to-butt pushing match, and it looks like Maximus is briefly winning, but then Vladiator drives off and Maximus goes flying out of the picture, probably to go run into a wall somewhere. Now we have Maximus back in the picture, and then for some reason Vladiator drives himself into the screw and then backs off into the spikes, maybe it's personality projection from Maximus or something like that. Now both bots aim drive and miss each other. We line up for another try, and Maximus gets the wedge under one of Maximus' wheels and Maximus pops in the air a bit. Now we've got Vladiator avoiding Maximus while Maximus drives in circles around him and then Maximus drives at Vladiator again and Vladiator gets the wedge under Maximus' wheel and Maximus pops a bit and I'm feeling a bit of deja vu. Maximus squats on the saws for way too long and then more deja vu, as we get another replay of this wedge-on-wheel bit, except that this time Maximus was going faster, or maybe Vladiator was better with the wedge but Maximus goes tumbling over inverted. Now while Maximus runs inverted, the wedge is really a non-wedge in this orientation so he doesn't have a weapon. Moot point though, as Maximus runs back over Vladiator, tips over, and splats down rightside up. Here we have Maximus driving up on Vladiator again, or maybe it was Vladiator driving under Maximus, but Maximus pirouettes up on one wheel and then splats down. Now we have some positioning, which I'd say was aiming, but seeing as both bots just drove past each other without colliding, I guess it was just noodling with the controllers or something. Anyway, we now get a full screen of Maximus driving himself into the spikes after missing Vladiator. Simultaneously with Maximus' collision into the spikes, someone takes a large wrench and smacks the pipes underneath the sink. CLANK. Some bumping, and Vladiator under Maximus, then Vladiator drives into the spikes while Maximus plays with the saws. Zzzzz. Maximus drives backwards over Vladiator's wedge, goes airborne, and then we get a full screen of Maximus flying into the screw. The guy with the wrench goes at the pipes again. CLANK. OK, now a head-on collision where not much happens, then Vladiator drives away, throws it in reverse, then backs over Maximus' wedge. Vladiator flies and splats rightside up. Bil now makes a comment that both bots are staying in the center of the box because they both have excellent drivers. I beg to differ that Maximus has an excellent driver. The abuse that poor bot takes at the hands of its human handlers. Maximus pushes Vladiator over the saws. Zzzz. Maximus smacks into Vladiator and pushes him into the spikes, but then Maximus runs head first into the spikes for about the 421st time in this fight and it looked like that hurt much worse than what he just did to Vladiator. Hoo boy. Maximus just managed to drive sideways into the spikes. Now Maximus is driving forwards, dragging his left side across the spikes, and gee, I guess Maximus didn't want those strategy points anyway. Maximus dribbles around backwards for a couple seconds and then drives directly over the saws at 0.0342 mph. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maximus looks slow, oh wait, there go the tires spinning, and here comes Vladiator smashing into Maximus at high speed, and as Maximus bounces away, Vladiator smashes into the spikes at high speed. Now we have a minor head-on collision, and then some positioning, and then a second head-on collision and this one is actually exciting. Vladiator goes vertical, and almost falls over backwards. Oooh. Maximus celebrates by driving into the spikes. Hard. So hard that his back end pops up about a foot off the floor. Oof. About 10 seconds of driving and dancing around and then yet another head-on collision, Maximus rides up over Vladiator, goes flying and splats down inverted. Maximus immediately drives under the hammer. Pow! Now we have Maximus over by the spikes, but before he can inflict any damage on himself, Vladiator smashes into him from behind and then goes flying over the top of him, and here we have Vladiator half on Maximus and half on the spikes. Now Maximus, already face into the spikes, tries to drive forward, and I'm left wondering whether Maximus is trying to keep Vladiator half in the spikes, or is trying to become one with the spikes by himself. Time runs out as I contemplate the situation. Now we get the judge's score, and it's close, 23-22 for Vladiator. You know, all Maximus had to do to win that fight was not drive into the spikes, or the screw, or the hammer, or the saw. Never underestimate the power of good driving.

I can't believe I just spewed all that fVcking verbiage for a fight where nothing really happened.

Diesector vs. New Cruelty

The other half of SHW semifinal mania. Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots Diesector looks the same as he did last time we saw him, back in Episode 18. New Cruelty looks exactly the same as he did the last time we saw him, back in Season 4. Description is in order, New Cruelty is a long, eight-wheeled box with a snow plow. New Crueltly beat Diesector last year, but Donald does not seem the kind to let the same mistake happen twice. I suspect he's been sitting in a corner somewhere thinking up strategies to send New Cruelty back to Wisconsin.

OK RFT. As expected, we have a bunch of bumping and banging, and whenever the bots are together, we have Diesector all with the hammer party on the back of New Cruelty. powpowpowpowpow. More bumping and banging, and lots of pushing stalemates. Looks like New Cruelty is not having such an easy time pushing Diesector around this year. After one of the stalemates, Diesector drives over the saws. Zzzzzz. Now New Cruelty takes his turn. Zzzzz. Now we have Diesector all with the jaws as a wedge on the side of New Cruelty. Diesector keeps up with the hammer party. powpowpowpowpowpow. New Cruelty drives around and tries unsuccessfully to push Diesector. Now we have Diesector all with the jaws as jaws, trying to clamp onto the side of New Cruelty. New Cruelty squirts away. Diesector is relentless with the jaws and the hammers. powpowpowpowpowpow. New Cruelty takes a saw hit. Zzzzz. Now we have an exceptionally long pushing stalemate. Back and forth, back and forth. Diesector with the hammers. powpowpowpowpowpow. New Cruelty tries futily to push Diesector, but Diesector plays dead, and squirts away. More bumping and pushing and hammers. Time runs out. Yup. Three minutes over. Short and sweet review. I think Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots Diesector wins this fight. So does Donald as we get the should-be-patented Diesector Victory Dance. Judges confirm the obvious with a 29-16 decision.

Diesector vs. Vladiator

This is it. Last SHW fight. Last Battlebots fight. Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots Diesector. Vladiator. Given my druthers, I would like to see Diesector kick Vladiator's ass. Diesector is my darling. To put it bluntly, Vladiator is really not my favorite robot. Let's go.

Bots leave squares. Positioning. Diesector uses the jaws as a wedge, and gets under Vladiator, and stuffs Vladiator into the spikes. Ooof. Diesector holds Vladiator against the spikes for a few seconds and pummels him with the hammers. powpowpowpowpowpowpow. Now we have Diesector using the jaws as a wedge and stuffing him into the screw. Ooof. Now bots drive at each other and Diesector goes up and over Vladiator and splats down inverted. Ooh. Been a while since I've seen Diesector inverted. No biggie. If I didn't know Diesector was inverted, I'd swear he was rightside up. Now we have Diesector with the jaws as wedge, and he's got the jaws under the rear of Vladiator and Vladiator's rear wheels are off the ground. Diesector drives around in some circles attempting to position Vladiator under the hammer. Diesector stops briefly at the ramrods, but Pete's not cooperating, so Diesector attempts the hammer again, and this time succeeds. Pow on Vladiator. That hadda hurt. Now Vladiator backs away and we have Diesector all with the hammer party on the prowl after him. However, Vladiator manages to get under Diesector and heads directly for the spikes. Diesector squirts away right before to point of impact and Vladiator ends up taking the worst of the screw smush. Ooof. Vladiator now drives under Diesector's wheel and then while Diesector flips up, over, and splats rightside up, Vladiator goes and drives headfirst into the spikes. Now we have Diesector under Vladiator and almost a stuff, but Vladiator escapes. And now here's Diesector at ramming speed heading towards Vladiator, and now we have Diesector under Vladiator again. Vladiator drives really fast into the spikes. Ooof. Now Vladiator backs up really fast. Now Vladiator drives really fast towards the hammer. Vladiator barely escapes becoming a little bit flatter. Now Diesector starts chasing down Vladiator and the robots bump and Buzzzzzzzz. Match over. Whoa. Wait. That couldn't have been three minutes. I'm going back to time this. OK. That fight was about a minute and a half long. WTF?????? Where'd the other minute and a half go?! My gawd, if you're going to take a machete to a fight why this one? Well, I can't say who is going to win this fight because I literally did not see it. Grrr...last fight of the season. Last fight of Battlebots maybe. Could you have at least shown the whole thing? Is CC that cheap? Yeah I guess CC is that cheap. What a ripoff. Jerks. Just you see if I watch your channel. Watching the Broons drown in the toilet is a viable alternative to you. Watching Star Trek Next Gen bonus treks is a viable alternative to you. Watching the Weather Channel 24-7 is a viable alternative to you. Hell, even cleaning kitty puke off the carpet is a viable alternative to you.

BTW, Diesector won the fight, 26-19. Wow what a way to end the Battlebots TV dynasty. Possibly my all-time fav bot wins a nut this year. Yee-ha! I don't have to do SHW asterisks and moment of silence. Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots Diesector Forever! (and if Battlebots doesn't hurry up and get a TV contract, it will be forever.)