- Ah, we've reached the end of the line for Battlebots. Starting sometime in February
(most likely after Daytona so I can start off my sporadic Ward updates on the right foot)
I'm going to be reviewing my Steel Conflict tapes. These are are the tapes from the August 2002
competition (not the upcoming February 2003 competition). If you're wondering what Steel Conflict
is, visit here. If you're wondering what kind of useless
thing I'm going to do while I'm on bot sabbatical, I'm going to pay attention to the
neglected parts of my website, like my playlists. Haven't updated those since like
July (although I am going to get ahead of myself and post
this one. It contains a lot of the bot bashing music I play in the background while watching
- Let's hope Battlebots Inc. can get their act together and get a TV contract so we can see our
fav bots in action from our comfy chairs.
- Final score, Cheesy Plastic Japanese Monster Movie Toys: 4, Discontinued Battlebots Toys: 1.
Maximus vs. Vladiator
SHW semifinal mania. Bot A, invertible wedge that drives real fast. Bot B, invertible
wedge that drives real fast. Let's go.
OK RFT. Maximus starts off the action by driving into two separate screws and
then delivering a glancing blow to Vladiator's wedge. Now there's some looking and
a major wedge on wedge collision. Vladiator pops in the air a bit but not much else
happens. Now Maximus is under Vladiator and stuffs him into the spikes, and then Maximus finishes
off by stuffing himself into the spikes, because god forbid if Maximus should pass up an
opportunity for self-inflicted hazard damage. Now we've got both bots aiming and
another minor wedge-on-wedge hit, and then Maximus takes a mighty running start and runs
himself directly into the spikes over by the hammer and then into the spikes on the
far side of the hammer, and Pete doesn't activate the hammer even once because it's
so much fun to watch Maximus run into the walls without any outside help. Actually, I
think that Maximus was actually aiming for Vladiator in that last volley because he did pass within
about a foot of him. Before Maximus can put any distance between himself and the
spikes, Vladiator comes over and stuffs him again, and we see one of the spikes fly across
the box as Maximus surfs the spike strip. Then we get a closeup of Gage Cauchois'
severed tendon, which I'm sure that someone probably finds attractive, and then
we return to bot action and a period of mutual spike stuffing. I feel for the spikes.
They have a weight and mobility disadvantage in this match. After the spike stuffings,
Maximus slams Vladiator into the wall by the ramp, and then both bots leave that corner, and
Vladiator backs into the spikes on the other side of the box, followed by Maximus driving forward into
the spikes on the other side of the box. But I think that Maximus may have been aiming
for Vladiator, as Vladiator was a few inches away. Now we've got a butt-to-butt pushing match,
and it looks like Maximus is briefly winning, but then Vladiator drives off and Maximus goes flying
out of the picture, probably to go run into a wall somewhere. Now we have Maximus back
in the picture, and then for some reason Vladiator drives himself into the screw and then
backs off into the spikes, maybe it's personality projection from Maximus or something like
that. Now both bots aim drive and miss each other. We line up for another try, and
Maximus gets the wedge under one of Maximus' wheels and Maximus pops in the air a bit. Now
we've got Vladiator avoiding Maximus while Maximus drives in circles around him and then Maximus drives
at Vladiator again and Vladiator gets the wedge under Maximus' wheel and Maximus pops a bit and I'm
feeling a bit of deja vu. Maximus squats on the saws for way too long and then more
deja vu, as we get another replay of this wedge-on-wheel bit, except that this time
Maximus was going faster, or maybe Vladiator was better with the wedge but Maximus goes tumbling over
inverted. Now while Maximus runs inverted, the wedge is really a non-wedge in this orientation so he doesn't have
a weapon. Moot point though, as Maximus runs back over Vladiator, tips over, and splats down
rightside up. Here we have Maximus driving up on Vladiator again, or maybe it was Vladiator driving
under Maximus, but Maximus pirouettes up on one wheel and then splats down. Now we have some
positioning, which I'd say was aiming, but seeing as both bots just drove past each other
without colliding, I guess it was just noodling with the controllers or something.
Anyway, we now get a full screen of Maximus driving himself into the spikes after missing
Vladiator. Simultaneously with Maximus' collision into the spikes, someone takes a large wrench
and smacks the pipes underneath the sink. CLANK. Some bumping, and Vladiator under Maximus, then
Vladiator drives into the spikes while Maximus plays with the saws. Zzzzz. Maximus drives backwards
over Vladiator's wedge, goes airborne, and then we get a full screen of Maximus flying into the
screw. The guy with the wrench goes at the pipes again. CLANK. OK, now a head-on
collision where not much happens, then Vladiator drives away, throws it in reverse, then
backs over Maximus' wedge. Vladiator flies and splats rightside up. Bil now makes a comment
that both bots are staying in the center of the box because they both have excellent
drivers. I beg to differ that Maximus has an excellent driver. The abuse that poor bot
takes at the hands of its human handlers. Maximus pushes Vladiator over the saws. Zzzz. Maximus
smacks into Vladiator and pushes him into the spikes, but then Maximus runs head first into the
spikes for about the 421st time in this fight and it looked like that hurt much worse than
what he just did to Vladiator. Hoo boy. Maximus just managed to drive sideways into the spikes.
Now Maximus is driving forwards, dragging his left side across the spikes, and gee, I guess
Maximus didn't want those strategy points anyway. Maximus dribbles around backwards for a couple
seconds and then drives directly over the saws at 0.0342 mph. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maximus
looks slow, oh wait, there go the tires spinning, and here comes Vladiator smashing into
Maximus at high speed, and as Maximus bounces away, Vladiator smashes into the spikes at high speed.
Now we have a minor head-on collision, and then some positioning, and then a second
head-on collision and this one is actually exciting. Vladiator goes vertical, and almost
falls over backwards. Oooh. Maximus celebrates by driving into the spikes. Hard. So
hard that his back end pops up about a foot off the floor. Oof. About 10 seconds of
driving and dancing around and then yet another head-on collision, Maximus rides up over Vladiator,
goes flying and splats down inverted. Maximus immediately drives under the hammer. Pow!
Now we have Maximus over by the spikes, but before he can inflict any damage on himself, Vladiator
smashes into him from behind and then goes flying over the top of him, and here we have Vladiator
half on Maximus and half on the spikes. Now Maximus, already face into the spikes, tries to drive
forward, and I'm left wondering whether Maximus is trying to keep Vladiator half in the spikes, or is
trying to become one with the spikes by himself. Time runs out as I contemplate the
situation. Now we get the judge's score, and it's close, 23-22 for Vladiator. You know,
all Maximus had to do to win that fight was not drive into the spikes, or the screw, or the hammer,
or the saw. Never underestimate the power of good driving.
I can't believe I just spewed all that fVcking verbiage for a fight where nothing really
Diesector vs. New Cruelty
The other half of SHW semifinal mania. Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots Diesector looks
the same as he did last time we saw him, back in Episode 18. New Cruelty looks exactly the same as he did the
last time we saw him, back in Season 4. Description is in order, New Cruelty is a long,
eight-wheeled box with a snow plow. New Crueltly beat Diesector last year, but Donald does
not seem the kind to let the same mistake happen twice. I suspect he's been sitting in a
corner somewhere thinking up strategies to send New Cruelty back to Wisconsin.
OK RFT. As expected, we have a bunch of bumping and banging, and whenever the bots
are together, we have Diesector all with the hammer party on the back of New Cruelty. powpowpowpowpow.
More bumping and banging, and lots of pushing stalemates. Looks like New Cruelty is not having such an
easy time pushing Diesector around this year. After one of the stalemates, Diesector drives over the
saws. Zzzzzz. Now New Cruelty takes his turn. Zzzzz. Now we have Diesector all with the jaws as a
wedge on the side of New Cruelty. Diesector keeps up with the hammer party. powpowpowpowpowpow. New Cruelty
drives around and tries unsuccessfully to push Diesector. Now we have Diesector all with the jaws
as jaws, trying to clamp onto the side of New Cruelty. New Cruelty squirts away. Diesector is relentless with
the jaws and the hammers. powpowpowpowpowpow. New Cruelty takes a saw hit. Zzzzz. Now we have
an exceptionally long pushing stalemate. Back and forth, back and forth. Diesector with the
hammers. powpowpowpowpowpow. New Cruelty tries futily to push Diesector, but Diesector plays dead, and squirts
away. More bumping and pushing and hammers. Time runs out. Yup. Three minutes over.
Short and sweet review. I think Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots Diesector wins this fight. So does
Donald as we get the should-be-patented Diesector Victory Dance. Judges confirm the
obvious with a 29-16 decision.
Diesector vs. Vladiator
This is it. Last SHW fight. Last Battlebots fight. Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots
Diesector. Vladiator. Given my druthers, I would like to see Diesector kick Vladiator's ass.
Diesector is my darling. To put it bluntly, Vladiator is really not my favorite robot.
Bots leave squares. Positioning. Diesector uses the jaws as a wedge, and gets under Vladiator,
and stuffs Vladiator into the spikes. Ooof. Diesector holds Vladiator against the spikes for a few seconds
and pummels him with the hammers. powpowpowpowpowpowpow. Now we have Diesector using the jaws
as a wedge and stuffing him into the screw. Ooof. Now bots drive at each other and Diesector
goes up and over Vladiator and splats down inverted. Ooh. Been a while since I've seen Diesector inverted.
No biggie. If I didn't know Diesector was inverted, I'd swear he was rightside up. Now we have Diesector
with the jaws as wedge, and he's got the jaws under the rear of Vladiator and Vladiator's rear wheels are off
the ground. Diesector drives around in some circles attempting to position Vladiator under the hammer.
Diesector stops briefly at the ramrods, but Pete's not cooperating, so Diesector attempts the hammer
again, and this time succeeds. Pow on Vladiator. That hadda hurt. Now Vladiator backs away and we have
Diesector all with the hammer party on the prowl after him. However, Vladiator manages to get under Diesector
and heads directly for the spikes. Diesector squirts away right before to point of impact and Vladiator
ends up taking the worst of the screw smush. Ooof. Vladiator now drives under Diesector's wheel and then
while Diesector flips up, over, and splats rightside up, Vladiator goes and drives headfirst into the
spikes. Now we have Diesector under Vladiator and almost a stuff, but Vladiator escapes. And now here's Diesector
at ramming speed heading towards Vladiator, and now we have Diesector under Vladiator again. Vladiator drives
really fast into the spikes. Ooof. Now Vladiator backs up really fast. Now Vladiator drives really fast
towards the hammer. Vladiator barely escapes becoming a little bit flatter. Now Diesector starts chasing
down Vladiator and the robots bump and Buzzzzzzzz. Match over. Whoa. Wait. That couldn't have been
three minutes. I'm going back to time this. OK. That fight was about a minute and a half
long. WTF?????? Where'd the other minute and a half go?! My gawd, if you're going to take a
machete to a fight why this one? Well, I can't say who is going to win this fight because I
literally did not see it. Grrr...last fight of the season. Last fight of Battlebots maybe.
Could you have at least shown the whole thing? Is CC that cheap? Yeah I guess CC is that cheap.
What a ripoff. Jerks. Just you see if I watch your channel. Watching the Broons drown in the
toilet is a viable alternative to you. Watching Star Trek Next Gen bonus treks is a viable
alternative to you. Watching the Weather Channel 24-7 is a viable alternative to you. Hell,
even cleaning kitty puke off the carpet is a viable alternative to you.
BTW, Diesector won the fight, 26-19. Wow what a way to end the Battlebots TV dynasty.
Possibly my all-time fav bot wins a nut this year.
Yee-ha! I don't have to do SHW asterisks and moment of silence. Bad Ass of All Bad Ass Robots
Diesector Forever! (and if Battlebots doesn't hurry up and get a TV contract, it will be