List of fights in this episode:
  1. Turtle vs. S.O.B.
  2. Hazard vs T-Minus
  3. S.O.B. vs. T-Minus
 

Prefight ranting:


Turtle vs. S.O.B.

Here's our first semi-final round for tonight. We've got hexagonal wedge Turtle vs. dustpan S.O.B.. The question arises whether this fight even matters, but we're going to see it anyway. Oh yeah, and we've got Bil all mentioning that measly wedge Turtle has gotten farther in the tournament than either of his more famous spinning disk siblings Nightmare and Backlash and excuse me, but I don't remember seeing Backlash lose. As far as any of us lowly chair warmers out in the TV audience know, Backlash is still a contender. I guess we've been misled. Thanks, CC.

OK RFT. Bots drive at random for several seconds and then Turtle drives himself right into the dustpan at a high rate of speed. This causes Turtle to be kind of hung up on the back of the dustpan. S.O.B. decides to drive somewhere, unfortunately this requires S.O.B. to back up, which allows Turtle to fall out of the dustpan. Bots drive away from each other and S.O.B. uses the spikes to rub an itch on the back of the dustpan while Turtle drives at random on the other side of the box. Now we've got the bots back together and Turtle rubs an itch on the side of S.O.B.'s dustpan while both bots travel in the general direction of the ramp in the box corner. While in the corner, S.O.B. tries to scoop Turtle, but is not wholly successful in that endeavor. Bots escape the corner as Turtle continues to rub the outside of the dustpan. Looks like Turtle rubbed S.O.B. the wrong way as S.O.B. turns around and scoops Turtle and majorly smushes Turtle into the spikes. Ooof. S.O.B. has Turtle trapped in the dustpan with the saw arm, so she is able to back away from the spikes a bit while keeping Turtle in the dustpan. Now we've got several seconds where both bots are still but Turtle is half in the dustpan, and S.O.B. lowers the saw arm onto the top of him. A close up shows that the saw arm has landed on a large metal reinforcement that has been added to keep Turtle in one piece, but it appears that it didn't really matter where the arm landed because the saw isn't spinning. S.O.B. lifts the saw arm and backs off, which of course dumps Turtle out of the dustpan. Not that even this matters, as it appears that Turtle is dead in the water. S.O.B. scoops the motionless Turtle and minorly smushes him into the spikes, and then we've got a close up of the saw arm falling again, but this time it falls on a non-reinforced area, and even better the saw is spinning. Unfortunately, I'm not seeing very many Turtle marbles being generated. You know, if they could just improve the effectiveness of that saw arm, S.O.B. would be a really nasty robot. S.O.B. backs off. Turtle sits. S.O.B. scoops Turtle and smushes him into the spikes and then backs off. Turtle sits. S.O.B. scoops again, but then Turtle is suddenly reincarnated as a fighting robot and drives away. S.O.B. scoops Turtle and dumps him near the hammer. Turtle kind of takes a hammer hit. Kind of pow. Now we've entered a period where both robots are driving poorly, and it looks like a small piece of metal fell off of someone because both robots are kicking it around. S.O.B. aims the dustpan at Turtle, then fine tunes the aim, and then aims again. Normally a robot wouldn't be able to get away with such excessive positioning, but it looks like Turtle died again. S.O.B. does a quick scoop and dump, which I guess scores points. Turtle once again shows faint life signs. S.O.B. scoops Turtle and dumps him under the hammer. Turtle gets kind of hit with the hammer again. And again. Stronger life signs from Turtle. Bots are driving again and S.O.B. gets hung up on the saws. Zzzzzzzz. S.O.B. pops a wheelie. Fun! Now Turtle dies again while S.O.B. drives somewhere, and several seconds later, S.O.B. finally realizes Turtle is showing signs of lifelessness and decides to motor on over to take advantage of the situation. S.O.B. scoops Turtle and lovingly brings him to the spikes. I'm touched. Turtle drives away only to be scooped again, and S.O.B. is trying to bring him to the hammer, but S.O.B. is having a really difficult time actually putting Turtle in a position where the hammer is going to fall on him. After almost placing Turtle into the screws a couple times, S.O.B. finally dumps Turtle loosely in the vicinity of the hammer, which falls harmlessly about five feet away. Clock pops up on the screen to count down the last 20 seconds, and then we get about 18 seconds of bad driving and then Turtle finally drives over the saws to make the last two seconds worthwhile. S.O.B. triumphs 31-14.


Hazard vs. T-Minus

WOW!WOW!WOW!WOW! Look! Look! Look! Here it is! Fight of the century! Matchup to end all matchup! 50 speculative replies on Battlebots forum before the fight even started! The one Carmen spoiled for us about 6 weeks ago! Yes it's Hazard vs. T-Minus! Do I need to explain the bots!? No! If you don't know what they look like by now you've got your head in the sand! Besides that it's a moot point! The Tao of Bots says that if Hazard shows up in the box, and his opponent does not have a 10-foot long spatula-like attachment on its flipping arm, Hazard wins! Wait. T-Minus has an extension on his flipping arm. I'm not seeing an entry in the Tao for this situation. Horror of horrors, I'm going to actually have to watch the fight.....

OK, RFT. Bots leave squares, Hazard spins the blade and makes a beeline for T-Minus's flipper arm, perhaps having delusions of successfully duplicating the Heavy Metal Noise method of Lucky Shot Flipper Arm Destruction. And T-Minus activates the flipper and launches Hazard into Earth orbit OhMyGawd Game Over in 3 seconds!!!!! No, that's not really what happened. Hazard backs off and T-Minus launches air and snorts. Hazard comes back at the front of T-Minus. And T-Minus activates the flipper and launches Hazard into Moon orbit OhMyGawd Game Over in 10 seconds! No, that's really not what happened. Hazard backs off and T-Minus launches air and snorts. Hazard continues to flirt with the danger zone known as the flipper range of T-Minus. And T-Minus activates the flipper and launches Hazard into the Asteroid Belt OhMyGawd Game Over in 13 seconds! No, that's really not what happened. T-Minus lands a glancing blow on the front of Hazard, lifting up one of the skirts, and capturing the spinning blade in the lifted skirt and holding it there. Holy Final Destiny Batman. Ummm. OK. Hazard backs butt end first onto T-Minus's flipper arm and sits there. And T-Minus activates the flipper and launches Hazard into is-it-a-planet-or-is-it-comet-marbles Pluto orbit OhMyGawd Game Over in 20 seconds! Yup. That's really what happened. That's it. End to Hazard's unbeaten streak, end to the endless speculation, end to the Hazard clones now that it's become obvious how to beat them. Time to usher in the parade of robots designed specifically to beat launch bots.

Haven't had to do this since Tazbot bit it, but let's have a moment of silence for formerly unbeaten in Battlebots Hazard.

***


S.O.B. vs. T-Minus

Dustpan S.O.B. T-Minus. Middleweight final. Yada yada. OK, everyone come back from bathroom break. Then again maybe stay there. I'm not the betting sort, but if I was, I think I'd do well putting my money on T-Minus.

OK RFT. Bots leave squares, and we've got a bunch of positioning, and T-Minus is trying to get around the back of S.O.B. while S.O.B. is trying to get T-Minus in the dustpan. Believe it or not, S.O.B. wins, and we've got T-Minus in the dustpan, and lots o' sparks being generated by S.O.B.'s saw arm, and T-Minus smushed into the spikes and somewhat trapped in the pan. Who woulda thunk. S.O.B. brings the saw arm down directly on top of T-Minus's flipping arm. T-Minus activates the arm in an attempt to send the saw arm into the Crab Nebula but believe it or not, S.O.B.'s arm wins. Now S.O.B. backs off like she's got ants in the pan or something. T-Minus takes on the killsaws. Zzzzzz. Now we're back to positioning, and S.O.B. just will not cooperate with T-Minus's plans. While in the process of vexing T-Minus, S.O.B. drives over the saws. Zzzzzzz. Hoo boy. S.O.B. now has the dustpan directly on top of the flipping arm. T-Minus activates the arm. Umm. Umm. Umm. I've watched this about 5 times, once in slo-mo and I'm still stumped as to how this happened. Instead of T-Minus staying on the ground and S.O.B. launching through the air, S.O.B. stays on the ground and T-Minus goes launching through the air and splats down inverted. Oomph. Umm. Umm. Umm. Inertia labs is having some major self-righting problems this year. First, T-Minus does a couple 45 degree flips. Now T-Minus does a couple 360 degree flips, and none of this is having the intended effect of putting T-Minus back on his feet. Finally T-Minus manages to eke out a 180 degree flip, and at least now he's back on his feet. OK, we've got S.O.B. with the saw arm folded back, away from the dustpan, trying to do something, anything, with the saw blade. While S.O.B. is occupied with such activities, T-Minus gets the flipper under the back of S.O.B. and launches S.O.B. several feet in the air. S.O.B. bounces around a bit before splatting down, right-side up, directly on top of the saws. Zzzzzz. Now T-Minus is lifting some air while S.O.B. pivots around a fixed point, suggesting some damage to the drive train. While S.O.B. pivots, T-Minus gets the flipping arm underneath the front left quarter of the dustpan and flips S.O.B. over. S.O.B. sits inverted for a couple seconds and then starts to reinvert herself with the saw arm. As S.O.B. passes vertical, T-Minus slams into her, pushing her towards the spikes. OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. There is about 1 inch of the right front of S.O.B.'s dustpan on top of the spike strip. This is enough to lift all of S.O.B.'s wheels off of the ground. After that unexpectedly valiant fight by S.O.B., this is how it ends. T-Minus wins the middlewight division, and I still contend that if Team Sony Entertainment can make that saw more effective, S.O.B. is going to be one nasty robot. If there is another Battlebots competition, that is.