List of fights in this episode:
  1. Turtle vs. Ankle Biter
  2. Huggy Bear vs. T-Minus
  3. Hazard vs. Zion
 


Pre-fight ranting for this week:


Turtle vs. Ankle Biter

Ankle Biter has been a CC media darling this season so we should all know exactly what she looks like. This is the first appearance by Turtle this year. This is the former Turtle Road Kill, and looks exactly like Turtle Road Kill except that the road stripe has been replaced with a stylized Turtle face. That is, it's a hexagonal wedge. It looks like that encounter with Heavy Metal Noise was nasty. There are major battle scars on the Turtle shell.

OK RFT. We have the typical bot collison, then both bots bounce backwards. Now Ankle Biter tries to turn around, which is easier said than done with Ankle Biter, who has gone all gyroscope with that spinning disk. While Ankle Biter struggles to change direction while simultaneously keeping both wheels on the ground, Turtle cross checks her. Ouch. Now Ankle Biter makes a foray and Turtle backs away. Ankle Biter goes gyroscope again, and Turtle descends with two more checks. Ouch Ouch. Oh now this is interesting. Ankle Biter's spinning disk is wedged in Turtle's armor. Bots whirl for a bit before separating. Oooh. Makes me dizzy. Now we've got some looking and positioning, and Turtle positioning directly on top of the saws for several seconds. Turtle is positioning directly on the saws. Turtle IS POSITIONING ON THE SAWS. HELLO??? Guess no one's home in Saw Land. Now some more posturing and finally a glancing blow, and can I trade this fight in for the Heavy Metal Noise fight? Looked like there was more action in that one. Some low grade wrestling in this fight that we've got and then we've got Turtle under Ankle Biter a couple times and close observation shows that this is not due to Turtle design brilliance, rather it comes from Ankle Biter's complete inability to rotate while remaining firmly attached to the floor. Now we cut to extended Jim Smentowski footage. Jim has a relatively small radio controller, and I think I see Gary "UGO" Coleman and Jeremy Whirlygig in the background, hey it's a party! OK, some random metal collision sound effects left over from Beat the Clock are invading the soundtrack so we get quickly back to the fight where it looked like there was some sort of minor hit. Turtle presses his luck with the saws again and finally, finally, the saws pop and Turtle goes flying all Frisbee-o-rama about halfway across the box. It has become obvious to me that the only type of action we're going to see in this fight is Ankle Biter's saw against Turtle's armor, generating a small amount of Turtle marbles after each hit. So we've got hits, sometimes with Ankle Biter as the aggressor and sometimes with Turtle as the aggressor. Wow, a saw hit on Turtle. More hits. Wow, Ankle Biter is near the hammer. Wow, somehow it's Turtle taking the glancing hammer hit. Hits. Ankle Biter all gyroscope. Hits. Wow, Ankle Biter takes a saw hit. Oooooooh. Something interesting happened. The saws dumped Ankle Biter down inverted. Does Ankle Biter run inverted? Actually I don't know, maybe I should watch the fight, huh? OK, closeup of the inverted Ankle Biter. Appears we have 0% of Ankle Biter's available wheel area in contact with the floor. We do have some percentage of Ankle Biter's available spinning disk area on the floor though, which allows Ankle Biter to "bounce" a bit. Ankle Biter bounces back to the saws, wait I'm being told this is Turtle actually pushing Ankle Biter back to the saws, not that I can tell what's going on, the shot of Ankle Biter is so tight that I have an entire screenful of Ankle Biter with nary a centimeter of view of anything else in the box. Regardless of how she gets there, Ankle Biter gets on the saws. Saws pop. Ankle Biter does not get lucky. Game Over as Ankle Biter contemplates her newfound invertedness.


Huggy Bear vs. T-Minus

Huggy Bear is the H. T-Minus is the flipper. I personally do not see how Huggy Bear intends to win this fight, but stranger things have happened. Wait. Huggy Bear is invertible this year. I still think that's only delaying the inevitable, but stranger things have happened.

OK RFT. Bots looking. T-Minus circles around Huggy Bear. Huggy Bear is spinning in place in the center of the box keeping the hug zone positioned properly. Oh please not this again....whoah! Huggy Bear is leaving the center of the box, making an offensive foray towards T-Minus. No. It can't be. But it is. Pete is very generous in not popping the saws as Huggy Bear travels over them. T-Minus backs off. Now Huggy Bear is spinning in this new spot near the edge of the box. Huggy Bear attempts to go forward, then stops at the edge of the saws. Good thing. Pete's not so generous anymore. Saws pop mere millimeters from Huggy Bear. T-Minus quickly drives up to the side of Huggy Bear and attempts a lift. T-Minus eats air and mightily snorts CO2. Huggy Bear briefly tangles with the ramrods then makes another aggressive move towards T-Minus. Right as Huggy Bear gets to T-Minus with the hug zone, T-Minus backs off, and Huggy Bear drives past him. As Huggy Bear passes, T-Minus gets the lifter arm under the side of him, and Huggy Bear goes flying a couple feet in the air, flips over, and splats inverted. Impressive, considering Huggy Bear's girth. Let's check out that new invertibility. Well, Huggy Bear appears to work just the same upside down as rightside up. Guess the invertibility was a good idea. Now we're back to where we were before the flip. Huggy Bear actually gets T-Minus in the hug zone but is unable to capitalize. T-Minus motors away. Now Huggy Bear is once again being aggressive and going after T-Minus. Huggy Bear gets T-Minus in the hug zone and starts heading towards the spikes. T-Minus activates his arm, snorts, and frees himself from Huggy Bear's grip. T-Minus backs into the spikes then reverses directly into the hug zone. Huggy Bear starts to drag T-Minus somewhere, but T-Minus frees himself with a lift and a snort. Now we've got both bots piled on the saws and generating sparks. Zzzzzz. Zzzzzzz. Huggy Bear has definitely been stocking up on the aggression pills. Here he is again, coming after T-Minus, travelling across the saws.....zzzzz....guess the saw grace period is over. The saws impede Huggy Bear's progress somewhat, and T-Minus comes over. Huggy Bear tries to get away, but T-Minus chases him down and tries another flip. Huggy Bear comes off the floor a bit. Guess the snort was worse than the bite. Now T-Minus goes head first into the hug zone and gets the flipper arm under the Huggy Bear's crossbar. Up, up, and away and Huggy Bear splats down right side up. All this action is taking place near the saws, and Huggy Bear is able to push and trap T-Minus on the saws. Lengthy saw hit on T-Minus. I don't know how this happened, but Huggy Bear is suddenly very still. The hug bar is moving back and forth, but I'm not seeing any forward motion. We get a closeup of Huggy Bear while T-Minus thoroughly surveys the situation and contemplates his next action. Wait, I think Huggy Bear just moved forward an inch. Hug bar moves again, as T-Minus backs up to take a running start. T-Minus is suddenly overcome with indecision and decides to spin the victory spin instead of ramming Huggy Bear. Wait, T-Minus is changing his mind again, and hey guys, this isn't good for strategy points. T-Minus ends up tapping Huggy Bear and then half lifting one side of Huggy Bear. Huggy Bear motors off as soon as he's completely back on the ground. I have no idea whether that lift restarted the stalled Huggy Bear or whether Huggy Bear restarted himself, but it doesn't matter, all that's important is that Huggy Bear is up and running again. Now Huggy Bear is after T-Minus again and gets him in the hug zone. T-Minus gets away before the hug bar is activated, and hug bar clamps air. Wow. Check this out. Huggy Bear is going after T-Minus yet again, and gets T-Minus in the hug zone again. What a difference from the last fight. T-Minus manages to extricate himself, and then we're started over again with Huggy Bear hunting down T-Minus. The boyfriend thinks that Huggy Bear is more sluggish now than at the beginning of the fight, and maybe that's true, I mean this would be the part of the fight where your batteries would start to run out if they were so inclined. Huggy Bear once again gets T-Minus in the hug zone and starts pushing him somewhere, but gets hung up on the edge of the non-spinning spinner and T-Minus manages to escape. Man, those spinners are a much bigger pain in the neck stopped than they are when they're spinning. Huggy Bear recovers from the spinner and heads towards T-Minus again. T-Minus backs off maybe to position but Huggy Bear hugs him again anyway, and T-Minus does the lift/snort and ends up kind of on top of Huggy Bear and time runs out while we're still in this predicament. This was much closer than I thought it would be. No doubt that T-Minus won the fight, but I thought that Huggy Bear held his own. 27-18 decision for T-Minus.


Hazard vs. Zion

We know Hazard, we know Zion, I am not seeing any weapon that Zion could use to beat Hazard, but it's a moot point anyway because the Tao of Bots says that if Hazard shows up in the box, and his opponent does not have a 10-foot long spatula-like attachment on its flipping arm, Hazard wins.

OK RFT. Bots leave squares, Hazard beats the tar out of Zion. Zion returns for more abuse. Hazard kicks the crap out of Zion. Zion returns for more abuse. Hazard reduces Zion to scrap metal on wheels. Zion returns for more abuse. Hazard reduces Zion to metal filings. Zion returns for more abuse. Hazard reduces Zion to component atoms. Zion returns for more abuse. Ad infinitum until time runs out. 43-2 decision for Hazard. And I'm not going to start blabbering about Hazard's next fight yet. Nope. Nope. Nope. Wait til next week.