List of fights in this episode:
  1. Sallad vs. Hexy Jr.
  2. Maximus vs. Atomic Wedgie
  3. Biohazard vs. Greenspan

Pre-fight ranting:

Sallad vs. Hexy Jr.

Hey, lightweights! I was starting to think that they didn't exist. I think we've seen Sallad before but I can't remember whether it was this season or not so I'll just go and describe it anyway. Sallad is a pizza box on wheels with a lifting arm. The one thing that I seem to remember about Sallad is that regardless of whether he wins or loses, he always ends up smoking by the end of the fight. Hexy Jr. looks like an oversized Hershey Nugget on wheels with a launching arm. As a public service to the utterly oblivious, Hexy Jr. is the junior version of Hexadecimator. This is the first time I can remember seeing this bot so I don't know whether it smokes or not. The boyfriend comments that the Sallad dude looks like Shaggy.

OK RFT. Bots exit squares and cha-cha a bit then collide. Sallad tries something with the arm but ends up just sort of rubbing the side of Hexy Jr.. Hexy Jr. has a reflexive response with the launching arm and launches a bunch of air. Now we've got both bots spinning around, perhaps looking for a reason to continue living, and then Sallad smashes into the back of Hexy Jr. and starts rubbing him again with the arm. Hexy Jr. has a reflexive response with the launching arm and launches Sallad right onto his backside. Oof. Hexy Jr. immediately flips Sallad rightside up. Oof. Bots drive for a second and then Hexy Jr. launches Sallad onto his backside. Oof. Hexy Jr. drives over to attempt to flip Sallad rightside up but chooses the path less taken, the one that requires travelling over the killsaws. Zzzzzzz. So now we've got Sallad all driving around on his head in a confused manner, while Hexy Jr. sits stalled by the saws, maybe melting under the box lights or something. Sallad drives up to where Hexy Jr. melts, and then looks really confused, as if he's trying to figure out what this Hershey Nugget shaped barrier is that is preventing him from driving over the saws. OK, it looks like I was in error about Hexy Jr. melting because now we've got him jerking back and forth like Devo and then jerking in forward motions. With Hexy Jr. no longer serving as a barrier, Sallad drives backwards over the saws. Zzzzzz. Hexy Jr. reflexively launches more box air. So Sallad seems to have figured out that he should be attacking this other thing that's jerking around the box, and collides into the back of Hexy Jr.. Hexy Jr. reverts to jerking back and forth while Sallad becomes confused again and starts looking for purpose. Yes! This fight was just not going to be complete unless Sallad started smoking and there we go, Sallad is now officially smoking. Still in an apparent state of confusion, the inverted smoking Sallad drives into the front of Hexy Jr., and like so many pancakes, gets flipped right side up. Oof. In an apparent state of confusion, the upright smoking pancake Sallad drives into the front of Hexy Jr. and gets launched onto his backside. Oof. In an apparent state of confusion...argh I've had enough of this. Sallad gets flipped. Oof. OK, as a change, Hexy Jr. lifts air, and then Sallad, in a sudden moment of lucidity pushes him backwards. As the same old same old, Sallad drives into the front of Hexy Jr. and gets flipped. Oof. I've lost track of whether he's still rightside up or upside down. Now we've got an extended period of Sallad continually driving up the front of Hexy Jr. and I guess if they really wanted to the Hexy Jr. people could flip Sallad to the moon, but they don't. Now we've got Sallad beyond confusion driving around and Hexy Jr. jerking over in his general direction and flipping him. Oof. Oof. Now things are starting to get weird. Sallad is driving around with the arm straight up in the air, and no I can't understand how this could help things at all for him. As he has so many times before in the past 150 seconds, Hexy Jr. is positioning the flipping arm under Sallad but somehow this time he manages to almost flip himself and ends up falling on top of Sallad, who instinctively drives forward really fast, and causes Hexy Jr. to eat a mouthful of spikes. Ptui. Sallad takes a long time to figure out how to get out from underneath Hexy Jr., and now we're all bumper cars, and then Sallad starts to smoke heavily again, just because he can. For the eighty millionth time in the past 170 seconds, the confused Sallad drives in front of Hexy Jr., and gets flipped. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Sallad, perhaps now brain dead, sits directly on top of both sets of killsaws. Pete shows extraordinary compassion for this poor robot, and does not pop the saws. Sallad somehow pulls himself together just enough to inch himself off of the saws, and then Hexy Jr. jerks after him, crossing the saws. Pete pops the saws. Zz. OK, now we've got a close up of Sallad sitting there, smoking and doing pushups with the arm, so I guess he's now upside down. Like this matters. Hexy Jr. makes a halfhearted attempt at at final flip as time runs out. 32-13 decision for Hexy Jr. in this phenomenal display of bad driving.

Maximus vs. Atomic Wedgie

Maximus is kind of a nondescript looking robot. Flat box with 4 exposed, chunky, black wheels and a red wedge nameplate on the front. Atomic Wedgie is an enormous cheese wedge with a vertical circular saw on the back and big, exposed killsaw magnets to propel it around the box. There were spinning things on the sides of the wedge at one point but now there are thin metal bars there, possibly to prevent Atomic Wedgie from becoming too comfortable on her side. At one point they were trying to sell this robot on eBay, but I guess a $5000 SHW is a difficult item to move.

OK RFT. Bots leave squares and collide head on in the center of the box. Or should I say, collide wedge edge to wedge edge, and then bounce back a bit. Maximus is immediately all over the back of Atomic Wedgie, and the saw fouls the nameplate a bit. Now it appears that Maximus has ingested several hundred no-doz before entering the ring, and is driving around like a sea turtle with an attached JATO unit, bouncing off the spikes and generally chasing down Atomic Wedgie at a high rate of speed and a low rate of accuracy. Atomic Wedgie gets away from Maximus a couple times and then just stops, daring Maximus to come smash into the saw. Maximus is in direct line of sight from Atomic Wedgie's saw at this point, and since no steering is involved with this deal, Maximus easily pounds into the backside of Atomic Wedgie, gets the wedge under the saw and transfers all that JATO momentum to Atomic Wedgie, who rises about a foot off the floor, and then transfers the JATO momentum to the battlebox wall. The wall stands its ground and absorbs the momentum while Atomic Wedgie splats on the floor over by the hammer, inverted, about 20 feet from the point of contact. If I was sitting on the other side of that wall, I'd be changing my pants about now. Atomic Wedgie tries to back away from the hammer but Maximus fires up the JATO's again, rams the back of Atomic Wedgie, and pushes her towards the hammer. Unfortunately for Maximus, the front edge of Atomic Wedgie's wedge gets caught up on the spike strip near the hammer, causing Atomic Wedgie to stop short and bounce away into a convenient wall, where the spinning saw sends several spikes to spike heaven. Without Atomic Wedgie serving as a cushion, the hammer hits the wedge nameplate. Maximus puts the thrusters in reverse, then immediately turns his attention back to Atomic Wedgie, who appears to be trying to drive somewhere. Maximus smashes into the side of Atomic Wedgie, sending Atomic Wedgie flying into the screw. Now Atomic Wedgie is starting to look a bit shellshocked, and here's Maximus again with a glancing blow, and here's Maximus careening wedge first into the spikes. Ooooooof. Now in the background I think I'm seeing Atomic Wedgie drive directly under the hammer and then back off directly into the screw. Hmm. It's hard to tell because the camera really isn't paying much attention to this, which is too bad because it could be interesting. OK, Maximus fires the jets in the general direction of Atomic Wedgie but there's that nasty accuracy problem rearing its ugly head again and somehow Maximus ends up butt first in the spikes. Maximus drives away from the spikes, directly onto the saws. Pete is completely on the ball today, and saws immediately pop, sending Maximus all frisbee after a major zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Now we've got Maximus flirting with a different set of saws while Atomic Wedgie drives around like the brain damage poster child. Atomic Wedgie wanders into Maximus' path, Maximus kicks in with the horsepower, Atomic Wedgie gets pushed a bit and then drives away, leaving Maximus to drive head on into the spikes again. Oooooof. Wow. That nameplate wedge has taken a beating. I guess running into a saw will do that. Atomic Wedgie continues to putter around in a manner that suggests that not all the neurons are firing, and then Maximus, who continues to zoom around in a manner that suggests that the steering column may not always be in contact with the axle, backs into Atomic Wedgie's saw. Ouch. Now we've got Maximus lining up with the back of Atomic Wedgie, and Maximus throwing it in overdrive, and Maximus bashing the rear of Atomic Wedgie, and Maximus shoving Atomic Wedgie in to spikes. Boing. Somehow Maximus ended up butt end in the spikes again after that. Now we have Atomic Wedgie motoring around backwards, perhaps due to the still inverted position of said bot. Atomic Wedgie backs into the front of Maximus, who then engages the warp engines and piledrives Atomic Wedgie into the spikes yet again. Atomic Wedgie backs into the front of Maximus, who then engages the warp engines and piledrives Atomic Wedgie into the spikes yet again. Yes it happened twice. And the second time, Maximus then bounced onto the saws, which popped with a major zzzzzzzzzz, and sent Maximus flying and splatting down inverted. Bye-bye faceplate wedge. Maximus ignites the rocket boosters and drives directly into the screw, without any pretentions of having at any time aimed at Atomic Wedgie. It looks like Maximus is no better at driving inverted than Atomic Wedgie is. So with Atomic Wedgie still upside down, we now have two bots that can't drive, and maybe we should go get Hexy Jr. and Sallad from the last fight and then we could make this a demolition derby. Somehow Maximus manages to back into Atomic Wedgie with one of his tires. Tire meets saw. Tire loses. Maximus drives over the saw with the hosed tire. Looks like the JATO units have been retired for the night. Now we've got a close up of Atomic Wedgie, and whadda know, A BROKEN TREAD. Hoo boy. We're in for a treat now. OK, the hobbled Maximus drives over the saws a few times while the half lame Atomic Wedgie spins in a circle. Now we have Maximus spinning the victory spin. Announcers debate whether it's too early, but I think that Maximus was definitely the last robot to move in a straight line. We get some closeups of the still spinning saw of Atomic Wedgie, but saw is nothing without forward motion. Atomic Wedgie gets counted about the same time as the match would have ended had it been left to its own devices. Maximus backs into Atomic Wedgie and smushes her into the screw one last time, just because he can.

Biohazard vs. Greenspan

You know, it was just last week when I wondered when we were going to see Biohazard this season. While I'm sure that the innards have been completely overhauled a few times over the years, the outside of Biohazard still looks exactly the same, low box with skirts and a scoop lifting arm. Greenspan is a box with a spinning film reel as a weapon.

OK RFT. Biohazard slaughters Greenspan in reaction time and makes it almost all the way over to the blue square before Greenspan drives away. Biohazard gets in a glancing hit before Greenspan moves out of range. Greenspan moves back into range and buffs the side of Biohazard with the film reel. Biohazard has some words with the floor seam while Greenspan looks over her shoulder, making sure that Biohazard isn't going to come after her or something. Biohazard settles with the seam and then, sure enough, goes after Greenspan. Greenspan runs away, but that durn Biohazard, he's fast. Biohazard overtakes Greenspan and gets underneath. Greenspan falls off of Biohazard before Biohazard can get in with the scoop action. Greenspan does not get off the saw holes before Pete gets in with some saw action. Zzzzz. Now we have Greenspan running away from Biohazard, and oops, there's some spikes there, I guess Greenspan can't run in that direction anymore. Biohazard looks on in amusement as Greenspan backs up and over some saws. Biohazard gets under Greenspan again and dumps her on some other saws. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Extended saw abuse. Now Greenspan is in the blue square and Biohazard is simultaneously under her with the wedge, and pushing her into the screw and lifting with the scoop. Between the screw and the scoop we've got Greenspan up and over onto her back. Oh yeah, I think the Greenspan folks were talking about installing a self-righting mechanism this year. Too late now. You snooze you lose. Game Over in about 10 seconds