Just some quick notes to start off the season:
- No stupid pictures of my Battlebot toys and NASCAR matchbox cars. Yet.
- In this review space, I assign all manner of human characteristics to the various
bots. These attributes include gender. As a quick guide:
- Hammers, wedges, spikes, flippers, pointy things in general --> male
- Spin bots, circular cutting blades, curvy things in general --> female
- Anything that looks like a bug or a shrimp --> female
Yes, this makes Little Sister a male and Nightmare a female. If this really bothers
you, before you send me nasty email, just take a deep breath, and say to yourself
three times, ROBOTS, THEY'RE ONLY ROBOTS. If you still feel you must be angry, try to
direct your ire towards something that's worth being angry about, like the continual
abuse of the environment.
- If there are four fights per half-hour segment, and they produce 20 segments
(10 hours total), we'll see more fights this year than we did last year.
OK, it's Robot Fighting Time!!!
Warhead vs. Darkstar-2J
Excellent! We get to start out the new season with a Brit bot that is simultaneously the
gnarliest looking, silliest, most useless, and most unstable assemblage of parts to
hit the battlebox floor. Its name is Warhead and it's got a spinning bowl for a head,
these two wings, and a scorpion-like tail. The tail and the
wings move up and down. Oy. It's like a supercharged
Afterthought. Lucky for it, there's no possible way it could be worse than Afterthought.
Since Warhead looks like a giant shrimp, it's got to be a female for this review.
Warhead's opponent is a black bot called Darkstar-2J. Darkstar-2J is a generic
Biohazard clone with a really lame looking flipper arm.
OK, RFT. Warhead performs a mating ritual while waiting for the signal to
start, then both bots head out of their squares and run into each other. The earth
does not shake, but we get a big clang. Now we've got Warhead all with the wings up
heading towards Darkstar-2J. Warhead hits Darkstar-2J with the spinning bowl and this time an explosion of Darkstar-2J parts
litters the box, BUT EVEN BETTER, Warhead, being the most unstable assemblage of parts to
hit the battlebox floor, goes flying over onto her back right near the killsaws. Wow, it looks
like those wings may actually serve a purpose because she's using them to right herself.
Warhead gets half righted and then gets some help from the saws. As a show of gratitude to
the saws, Warhead destroys the saw cover. Now we've got Warhead with the mating ritual
again, spinning in a circle with the wings partially raised. Hey, those wings have another
purpose. They make Warhead fly. Really, Warhead is making minimal contact with
the floor. How Son of Whyachi. OK, Warhead decides that partial levitation is not the
way to win this fight so the spinning stops. (I have to wonder how much of this spinning
is intentional and how much is uncontrolled momentum from the bowl weapon). Now we've
got Warhead still with the wings up putting a number of hits on Darkstar-2J with the bowl.
I continue to be more entertained by Warhead half-airborne spinning out of control
after each hit than by the ever growing amount of Darkstar-2J detrius spewed over the floor.
How Son of Whyachi.
Darkstar-2J finally expires and Warhead goes parading around the box flapping her wings.
Hahahaha! Everytime she goes to turn, she goes out of control and pirouettes on her
front wheels. Hahahaha! All I can say it will be a lot of fun to watch the fight when
she has to face an opponent of quality.
Code:Black vs. Ziggo
We start this fight with a segment about Jonathan Ridder sumo fights. Personally, I
preferred the bits where he's holding his cat, but I suspect that this could have been a lot worse than it
was. Finally, we get to the fight. Ziggo is still Ziggo, an upside down spinning wok
with a bent pole sticking out of the top. Code:Black is an interesting and cleverly
designed bot. It's a
box with a spinning blade, except that the blade is attached to the bottom of the
box, about 1cm off the floor. It's like a reverse Hazard. Any part of the opponent that
touches the floor is in danger. Every bot touches the floor.
OK RFT. Bil tells us that the Code:Black driver is a big NASCAR fan. I can relate
to that. Unless he's a Jeff Gordon fan. That I can't relate to. ANYWAY, we've got Ziggo coming up to
speed and Code:Black chasing her down. Code:Black's blade is spinning so fast that you can no longer see
it. Code:Black travels directly across the killsaws in pursuit, but Pete cuts him a break,
and doesn't pop him. We get a hit in the corner, and an extraordinarily large amount
of sparks. The hit stops Code:Black's blade but Ziggo is still spinning. Now this is spunk.
Even with the blade stopped Code:Black chases down Ziggo and puts a hit on her. Wow! That
started up Code:Black's blade again. It must be bent a little because it is nicking the floor.
Every time it does, sparks fly. Code:Black has been transformed into a sparkler on wheels.
The sparkler travels over to Ziggo and there's a major, major hit. Both bots go flying.
Code:Black looks not to be affected, but Ziggo's looking kind of slow. She's kind of travelling
around in little circles. Code:Black smells blood and is right on the scene, putting smaller
hits on Ziggo. Ziggo is starting to smoke. I'd say that Ziggo is in serious trouble
but she goes on fire so often that it's hard to tell what's up. Code:Black continues with the
blade, sending up a large wall of sparks. Ziggo stops going in circles. Ziggo stops
moving, period. More smoke. Code:Black goes back to his corner to celebrate the removal of
Ziggo's wheels. Oh. My. Dog. Ziggo just lost, by KO, IN EPISODE ONE. Yoiks!
Steel Reign vs. Son of Whyachi
Steel Reign is a TV newcomer. It's a box with big, protected, chunky wheels, and some
sort of weapon on the rear that looks like a harvester. Son of Whyachi is back with wheels instead
of stomps. Like I said in the preseason spew, we're all slick metal, close to the ground,
Day The Earth Stood Still flying saucer. Emphasis on slick. I can smell the money
dumped into this bot from my comfy chair here in TV land.
OK RFT. Son of Whyachi spins to speed, and not surprisingly, stays on the ground. Any team
with the $$ to fund two teams, field 8000 robots in this competition, and get expertly
designed pit crew shirts like that is not going to make the
same fatal mistake twice. OK. The bots collide. Parts fly from Steel Reign. Son of Whyachi goes flying
out of control across the battlebox. Repeat until Steel Reign gets incapacitated with a terminal
case of squished wheel. I'm having all sorts of deja-vu that I've already seen this
fight this season.....maybe even earlier in this same show.....
Moebius vs. Ankle Biter
OK. Now we've got this segment about the Moebius folks whose sole purpose for existence seems
to be to model designer contact lenses. No, those don't appear to be his real eyes, and
no, they don't appear to be real goths either. Now we've got a coffin, and it opens
to reveal.....a flourescent lime green spin bot. Ankle Biter is a small box with two
wheels and a vertical M.O.E-style ditch-cutter that does not apper to spin. The question
"Why?" begs to be asked. Maybe we should ask that of the Moebius folks....no, I take
that back. I really don't want to know.
OK RFT. Moebius spins up to speed while Ankle Biter timidly crosses the box.
Wait, let me rewind my tape, yup, the ditch cutter is indeed spinning. The
two bots collide near the red square. Sparks. Wait, the ditch cutter is not
spinning. Ankle Biter retreats across the box at a suprisingly fast rate of speed. Here comes
Moebius. Ankle Biter starts spinning around in place, deflecting the Moebius impact. Boy, Ankle Biter
was lucky that the armor on his behind absorbed that hit and not say, his wheel.
We'd have our first outbreak of nasty wheel for the season. Alas, we'll have to wait
until at least next week for that affliction. Ooops, it looks like that spinning
has made Ankle Biter dizzy. He's over in the corner by the ramp, banging into the walls.
Now Moebius is inching over towards her hapless opponent, who is appears to still be
looking for the porcelain god or something like that. Ankle Biter appears to break out of his
swoon long enough to turn around and make a face at Moebius. Well maybe he didn't. But
something has spooked Moebius such that she makes a swift retreat over the killsaws.
Sparks. OK. Ankle Biter has gone back to partial stupor, only snapping out long enough to
put a hit on Moebius with his armor. This wasn't actually too difficult since Moebius
all of a sudden seems bolted to the floor. Ankle Biter continues to look for the bathroom while
the refs count out Moebius. I have to say that this is the first time I can remember that I've ever seen
a non-inverted spin bot lose mobility before spinning capability. Moebius spins down,
allowing us to see how beat up she really is. I'm actually kind of glad to see Moebius
go because I'm not sure how much more of this gimmick I could take before I went on my
own quest for the vomitorium.
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