The Matador vs. M.O.E.
We've seen both these bots before. The Matador is the little version of Toro. One big difference I notice
between the two is that The Matador has his wheels on the outside of the metal box. M.O.E. is the
big red box with saw blade wheels and a nasty looking ditch cutter on the front. He also has the
driver that looks utterly possessed.
OK, RFT. The Matador comes screaming out of his box, I guess trying to get the lift in before the
ditch cutter gets up to speed. I guess he doesn't succeed, and thinks better of the idea because
now he's doing an about face and running away. Close up of the ditch cutter. Yup, looks very up to speed.
Both M.O.E. and The Matador take turns on the killsaws then we get a major bot collision. Oof. That hadda hurt somebody.
Now we've got The Matador putting a mighty lift on the air in the battlebox, and making a mighty CO2 snort
in the process. M.O.E. smacks into the front of The Matador and Whap! Oooh! Holy flying rubber, Batman!
The Matador's left front wheel goes flying several feet. Uh oh. I sense this fight has just taken a turn for the
worse for The Matador. Now M.O.E. comes in with a gnarly hit, causing The Matador to put another lift on the battlebox
air. Kaboom! The ditch cutter sends The Matador shards across the battlebox. Whap! Oooh! Holy flying rubber,
Batman! The Matador loses his right rear wheel. His right front wheel ain't looking too hot either. Smash!
A major bot collision! Oh my! M.O.E. is inverted! And you know what? It doesn't look like it makes any
difference! The ditch cutter is still right where it was, still spinning. Whap! Oooh! Holy flying rubber,
Batman! The Matador loses his left rear wheel, leaving a beat to crap metal box with a single, wobbly
right front wheel in the middle of the battlebox floor. Yoiks! M.O.E. starts his victory spin amongst the
The Matador wheels that are scattered all over the box. Game Over. Reaction shot of that strange looking
dude that pilots M.O.E., and he's wearing this shirt that looks like it's a giant moire pattern.
I also notice that they're digitally projecting the 3-D's logo on the battlebox
wall.
Hazard vs. El Diablo
Now we've got the middleweight quarterfinal match between Hazard and El Diablo. OK, now we've got the
"pre-fight" interview. In a previous episode review I wondered about the builders somehow knowing
what was about to happen. Now that I'm used to the non-linear thinking that must employed to truly
understand what's actually going on with Comedy Central's presentation of Battlebots, it's just
so obvious that the teams got the mic stuffed into their face post-fight. So when Tony says "I'm
going to try and knock his drum off", I run around the room yelling "The drum's coming off! The drum's
coming off!"
OK, RFT. We've got the bots approaching each other, then we've got them colliding with each other
three times. Fourth time, parts fly. Fifth time, and that drum's not looking too good. Sixth time,
there it goes! Now we've got El Diablo suffering in a heap in the middle of the floor, all
twitching and vertical drum. Game Over in 45 seconds.
So middleweight is the last weight class where I don't really have a favorite bot. Yeah, T-Minus
is cute, but I'm just not attached. This all may be changing though. I once again am completely
enchanted by the design and performance of Hazard.
Overkill vs. Mechavore
Now we've got a fight between a bot we haven't seen in a while and a bot we just haven't seen.
We last saw Mechavore about a month ago. This is the blimpbot with the horizontal cutting wheel.
According my arbitrary gender typing scheme introduced in the last episode review, Mechavore is
female. And then we've got Overkill, a bot that I really just don't like. Usually I don't like
bots because I see them as credible threats to my favs. I don't see Overkill as a threat, I just don't
like it. It's a wedge on wheels. It's got this whopper chopper blade that basically
just thumps on the top of its opponents. It's kinda dumb. According to my arbitrary gender typing
scheme introduced in the last episode review, Overkill is male. Very male.
OK RFT. We've got both bots coming up to each other and doing the tango. Then we've got
a hit. And another. During that second hit, Mechavore's cutting wheel comes in intimate contact with
the chopper blade, cutting right through the pretty circular pattern. Ouch. Uh oh. Mechavore's blade
looks majorly stopped. Major ouch. OK, we've got Mechavore under the hammer. Pow! Overkill gets all
excited about this and rushes to the scene to share in the fun. Pow! Without her blade, Mechavore is
relegated to pushbot status. Unfortunately, she's not the gold medal favorite in this event.
Now we've got the two bots doing the fox trot. Mechavore gives herself liposuction on the killsaws.
Overkill gets under Mechavore (not suprising with that wedge), and pushes her around. There goes the
chopper. Thump. We've got some more banging around and then sccccccccreeeeeeeeeeeecccchhh! Mechavore
sharpens her cutting wheel on the killsaws. That's all fine and dandy, except that it's not going
to matter how sharp that blade is if it's not moving. Now we've got the bots doing the hustle and
let me tell you DiscoBots just doesn't pack the punch of BattleBots. Oooh action! Overkill has
got the wedge under Mechavore! Now we've got the bots doing the rhumba, and Overkill's chopper is all
wiggly all of a sudden (I'd say flapping in the wind, but I'm not going there). OK, we've got
Mechavore on the wedge again and being delivered to the killsaws. It takes Pete a few seconds to get
the saws going, but that's OK, Mechavore is taking even more seconds to get her butt away from the
danger zone. Scccrreeeeeecccchhh! Ow. Now we've got Mechavore doing pirouettes and then Overkill
comes in with the wedge again and stuffs Mechavore into the wall. Mechavore takes off, passing directly over
the yellow spot. Pow! OK now Pete has the killsaws up, but there's no bot there. Wait, here
comes Mechavore. Sccrreeeeeecccchhh! OK, Mechavore is now in a victory spin. Too bad it's not the end of the
fight yet. Too bad Mechavore is getting her ample butt whupped. Overkill stuffs Mechavore into the spike
strip as we count down. Game Over. 26-19 for Overkill.
Biohazard vs. Nightmare
So we're at episode 9 and we're just now seeing Biohazard for the first time. Biohazard is a
very flat, skirted box, with a big scooping arm that folds down completely flat when not in use.
Bioahzard is another one of these amazingly designed and very good bots. Nightmare was extensively
featured in our last episode, so go back there if you've forgotten anything.
OK RFT. This is a heavyweight quarterfinal match. Now we've got Biohazard scurrying
around the floor like an insect and Nightmare trying as hard as possible to keep her blade facing
the scoop. We get a couple good collisions with a bunch of pretty sparks. Uh oh. Nightmare's wheel
is getting slower, and slower, and slower. Stop. Oh this is *not* good for Nightmare. This leaves
us with one of the most unstable bots in the tournament vs. one of the best scoops in the
tournament. Oh, this is monstrously not good for Nightmare. As expected, Biohazard's having his
way with her. We've got Nightmare up on the back of the Biohazard, and Biohazard delivering take
out to the killsaws. Now Biohazard is driving around with scoop terminally in the upright position,
but it's not clear whether it's broken or whether he's using it as a tool to ferry his large
vertical cutting blade prize around the box. We've got Biohazard with his prize, and then oops.
Biohazard delivers himself to the killsaws for an excruciatingly long visit. That hadda hurt.
Now Biohazard has his arm back down, so it looks like it's OK. Now he's got Nightmare again and oof,
wall smush. Nightmare is just taking all of this abuse. There's not more she can do with that
spinning blade out of commission. So the rest of this fight is Biohazard delivering Nightmare to
the various arena hazards and walls. Game Over. 32-13 Biohazard.
So now it's the half way point in the show, and we've got a promo for the middleweight and
heavyweight semifinals. Biohazard! Tazbot! Surgeon General! Overkill! Hazard! Heavy Metal Noise!
Complete Control! Zion! Oh this looks like fun! Wait, this is NEXT week. This is confusing.
And what are we going to see now THIS week? Oh this is ruining all the fun.
I have to admit though that
I am tickled pink that Tazbot made the semi-finals. As much as I love this bot, I never expected
her to make it to even the quarterfinals. So much that we don't see! Woo-hoo! Go Taz!
Killerhurtz vs. Little Sister
OK, now we've got a screaming little British kid, which means Little Sister can't be far behind.
Little Sister is an octagonal-ish base with a lifting arm, making it male in this review space.
A male done up in bright yellow and flowers. Yup. Then we've got the famed bot Killerhurtz, which
we are seeing for the first time in episode 9. Killerhurtz is a big clear box with a rooster-head shaped
hammer. The effect is not unlike that of one of those bobbing birds that you see at people's home
bars. Oh, the Killerhurtz people are from England as well.
OK RFT. This is not a quarterfinal fight. In fact, it's a totally nothing fight, because
we already know that neither of these bots makes the semi-finals. We open with Killerhurtz coming right at,
and smashing head on into, Little Sister. Then Killerhurtz activates its pointy hammer. Poink! Little Sister immediately
puts a flip on Killerhurtz. Bam! Killerhurtz splats on his back. Little Sister snorts CO2, then pushes Killerhurtz to the pulverizer.
Pow! Killerhurtz takes a hammer hit to the underbelly, then manages to right himself. Pow! Killerhurtz, takes
another hit rightside up. Oh boy. Killerhurtz has slam cam. We see slam cam shot of the spike strips.
Ooh. Aah. Little Sister flips Killerhurtz up against the wall, and somehow manages to take a pulverizer hit in the
process. Now we've got Killerhurtz going nuts with his hammer, attacking the floor. Poinkpoinkpoinkpoink!
Killerhurtz decides he needs his stomach rubbed, so he goes over and parks himself on the saws. Screech.
I guess that felt good. Now we've got slam cam and there's a lensful of Little Sister. Poink! Killerhurtz spikes
Little Sister, and Little Sister responds with the lifting arm and a snort. Poinkpoinkpoink! Killerhurtz beats on Little Sister with the
hammer and it looks like Little Sister has left his drivetrain on a fire hydrant in NYC or something because we're not seeing a lot
of translational movement from the Little Sister square. Little Sister activates the lifting arm and snorts because there's
nothing else for him to do. Poinkpoinkpoink! Game Poink! Over.
Hexadecimator vs. Shark Byte
Now we've got two bots that we haven't seen for a while fight a meaningless fight because
according to Comedy Central, neither of these bots makes the semis.
OK, RFT. We immediately start off with sluggish movement from Shark Byte's spinning blade.
We're not going to see much devastation at 9 rpm. Hexy is quick on the uptake and
starts putting lifts on Shark Byte. On about the fifth try, Hexy finally upends Shark Byte.
Shark Byte spins uselessly on his back while the shark jaws lay pathetically on the battlebox
floor. Game Over to put an end to this non-event.
frenZy vs. Slam Job
Wow another bot we haven't seen yet this season. frenZy is a black bot with yellow trim that is shaped
like a thick Nilla wafer. He has a long, long hammer arm sticking out of the top. We saw Slam Job
somewhere before this season, and I'm sure I described him then. Go find it if you really need to know.
Sorry if I sound testy. I'm tired and this fight doesn't matter anyway. Neither of these bots
are going anywhere.
OK RFT. Before I start with the snide comments I just want to say that Scott Kinkaid,
Mr. Slam Job, is a spitting image of Butthead. Right down to the braces and weird overbite.
This is unsettling. We get the green light and it's frenZy with the slam cam this time around.
About .0000432 seconds into the fight we get our first slam. Ooof. Now Slam Job has got frenZy upside
down, and on his side, and we've got frenZy slam cam as he's rolling around on the floor. Excuse
me while I get some Dramamine because now I'm all motion sick. Now frenZy is swinging the hammer
everywhere and going all off balance and out of control. Pow! Pulverizer to frenZy. OK, I think we've
now been transferred to the hammer channel because we're all hammers, all the time, Slam Job, frenZy,
Pete, we've all got a piece of the action. PowpowpoppopPowpowpowpop! OK, frenZy parks his ass on the
killsaws, killsaws pop, frenZy goes flying all inverted. Here's frenZy trying to right himself and Slam
Job coming in with the hits and wedge. frenZy is acting all superball now, bouncing around the box
every which way boing, boing, boing. Slam Job violently stuffs frenZy into the wall. We're briefly
stuck in the corner by the entrance ramp, hammers flying everywhere, then frenZy breaks loose only
to deliver himself to the killsaws again. Now we're all pushing each other around, with ongoing
hammer party, and little frenZy marbles littering the floor. The announcers foam at the mouth over
the damage that frenZy's hammer has delivered to Slam Job's armor. Looks like your generic ding to me, not unlike
the one that was left on my car roof after the tree fell on it during the April Fool's Day storm of 1997.
OK, now we've got another minute of flying hammers, and I sure hope that the floor is acculmulating
extra comp time or something for all this abuse it's taking. Now Slam Job stuffs frenZy into the
spike strip and frenZy is all with the hammer, spliting his time between putting extra door dings in
Slam Job and tenderizing the lexan battlebox wall. Action moves away from the wall, and we've got frenZy using
the killsaws as a skate ramp a couple times, and more pounding hammers from every direction.
The clock finally runs out and we're all Game Over. Now we've got builder reaction shots and Butthead is
spewing testosterone and going off all like "I got this one", and then he's got the sneer, and
now we see the judges all "what did I do to deserve this". To tell the truth I just don't know what they did,
because god only knows when Comedy Central shot this judge footage. Split decision 23-22 for Slam Job. Only one
point and we could have sent Butthead back to Idaho.
Killerhurtz vs. Surgeon General
I guess we're making up for two weeks ago when we only had 6 fights. Here's Killerhurtz vs. Surgeon
General. England vs. Florida. Hammer vs. spinning disk. Hmmm. Spinning disk. Hmmm...Surgeon General is a girl.
Julio Roqueta, Mr. Surgeon General, is going on and on about how Killerhurtz is lexan and Surgeon General's got a cutting blade, and
it would not suprise me if we saw Killerhurtz eviscerated by the end of this fight.
OK, RFT. We've got a slow start and then it's all slam cam, but it's not immediately
obvious who's got the camera. Now we've got a big collision and Surgeon General must be seeing stars or something
because she's kind of stopped all of a sudden, and she's stopped over the killsaws which is making
a bad situation worse. Now we've got a few seconds of the motionless Surgeon General getting love taps
from Killerhurtz. Whoa! Surgeon General snaps back to life, spins the blade and heads off. We've got slam cam again,
but not long enough for me to tell who's got the camera because we have to go quickly back to
reality to see Surgeon General insert her spinning blade into the side of Killerhurtz. Uh oh. That hit something
important. Pressurized gas is emanating in large quantities from the incision. I think we're watching
the life drain from the hammer of Killerhurtz. Looks like Killerhurtz has been separated from one of his wheels as well,
because we've got an excrucitating closeup of it spinning to a stop on the floor with no robot in
sight. Surgeon General goes off for the victory spin, making sure to run over the wheel in the process.
Killerhurtz sits motionless on the floor, apparently dead from exsanguination. Game Over.
So then we see some quick clips of some other fights that went on and I didn't catch them on tape
and I don't remember what they were, but it doesn't matter anyway because we already know who
we're seeing next week. Go Taz! Go Hazard!
