List of fights in this episode:
  1. Hazard vs. SABotage
  2. Double Agent vs. Huggy Bear
  3. Mauler 5150 vs. Jabberwock
  4. Silverback vs. Tazbot
  5. Complete Control vs. Psychtron
  6. Battlerat vs. Nightmare
  7. Bad Attitude vs. Complete Control
 


Hazard vs. SABotage

Things get much easier as the season progresses because we end up seeing bots for the second or third time and then I don't have to explain what they look like again. Today we start off with Hazard vs. SABotage. If you want to know what they look like, read the older season 4 reviews.

OK RFT. We start off with both bots looking at each other and dancing around a bit, then SABotage takes a gratuitous hit from the killsaws. Now we've got a collision, and that blade of Hazard's just demolishes the ladder-shaped lifting arm that is SABotage's nose. There's a close up of SABotage futily trying to move his busted nose/arm, but yes, it is REALLY busted, and I don't think we're going to see much lifting from the SABotage square. Hazard puts another hit on SABotage and we've got the requisite SABotage parts flying across the box. Now we've got massive Hazard hits on SABotage. SABotage is suddenly looking extraordinarily bent and is showing signs of being immobile. Since SABotage isn't moving, Hazard can perform a level 3 diagnostic and determine if there is any part of SABotage that he hasn't hit and summarily destroyed. Apparently there must be one because we've got Hazard with another hit on SABotage. Now SABotage is beyond all hope, little more than a pathetic metal scrap heap splayed in the middle of the floor. I can't see any exposed part of SABotage that is still intact, but it's possible that there are parts of his underside that may not have damage. Hazard takes care of this by pushing SABotage over the killsaws. The announcers make a comment that the eyes painted onto SABotage are crossed, and you know what? They're right. I think we've got massive Game Over. As I see more of Hazard's fights, I'm really starting to think that this is the best designed bot in all of Battlebots. Seriously impressive. T-Minus may be cute, but Hazard is just good.


Double Agent vs. Huggy Bear

Now we've got Double Agent vs. Huggy Bear and I've got to start describing things again. Double Agent is a box with wheels and front and rear mudflaps. Huggy Bear is what they are calling a "squeeze bot". It's a big H-shaped thing that squeezes other bots between the arms to trap them and drag them to the hazards. It's an interesting idea, but to accomplish this the footprint of the bot is huge, making it slow, hard to manuever, and difficult to keep off the hazards.

OK RFT. We've got Double Agent almost immediately in the arms of Huggy Bear, but he gets away and starts running circles around his lumbering opponent. Huggy Bear makes an aggressive move towards Double Agent, causing Double Agent to back up directly onto the killsaws. We've got grinding of saw against wheel and all of a sudden we've got a real bumpy ride in Double Agent land. Double Agent's locomotion problems make it easier for Huggy Bear to get those arms around him. Now we've got Huggy Bear with the bear hug on Double Agent, and dragging him to the saws. Grind. Oooh, fireworks. Double Agent gets free and immediately drives himself into the screw. This allows Huggy Bear to catch up to him, grab him again, and take him to the yellow spot. The announcers provide a chorus of "Pulverizer!". Pow! Pow! Pete provides pulverizer hits. This must have made Double Agent kind of loopy because he smashes directly into the screw, then backs up directly into the other screw. Oof. OK, Double Agent gets his wits back about him, and is able to kind of avoid Huggy Bear, except for when he decides to get aggressive and put a hit on Huggy Bear, at which point he gets right back into the arms. Huggy Bear is not able to drag Double Agent to the hazards however, and ends up taking a fine killsaw hit herself. Double Agent then hones his mudflap on the killsaws. Huggy Bear manages to catch him again, and bring him to the general area of the pulverizer, but doesn't quite succeed in getting him on the yellow spot. Double Agent runs away and pirouettes on the killsaws. Huggy Bear manages to trap Double Agent yet again, then slowly, slowly, pushes him over to the pulverizer (passing over the killsaw in the process) and gets him to the yellow spot just as time goes to 0:00. Pete gets in one pulverizer hit before Game Over. Bil Dwyer makes a Starsky and Hutch joke about Huggy Bear. Tom Green doesn't get it, he's too young. I'm an old fart. I got it. Starsky and Hutch was my favorite show when I was 9 years old.


Mauler 5150 vs. Jabberwock

Now we've got Mauler 5150 vs. Jabberwock. More bots that we haven't seen before. Mauler 5150 is a Nilla wafer shaped spin bot, with a couple hammers and a monster face painted very ineptly on its top. Morgan Tilford somehow convinced his father to dress up like a chicken. I'm not in on the joke. Jabberwock is a large 3-dimensional parallelogram on wheels.

OK RFT. Jabberwock comes straight across the box as Mauler 5150 spins up to speed. The bots collide, throwing Mauler 5150 very much off balance. Mauler 5150 spins up on his edge, then falls over backwards. Now things get very upsetting. Mauler 5150 is a Nilla wafer, not a cylinder. When he's upside down, there's very little of him in contact with the floor. When he's spinning and upside down, he bounces. The effect is not unlike that of a robot having an epileptic fit. Epileptic fits are disturbing. The rest of this fight is disturbing. So we've got Mauler 5150 upside down, spinning and bouncing out of control across the battlebox floor. At one point, he bounces across the killsaws. Oy. Jabberwock is watching this whole thing from a distance, then gingerly approaches Mauler 5150 and starts nudging him towards the killsaws with the wedge. Eventually, Mauler 5150 reaches his destination, the killsaws pop and....Whoosh! Frisbee city. While he's airborne he temporarily stops convulsing, but when he hits the ground, boing, boing, boing. Reminds me of a paddle ball out of control. You know, that Seagate sponsor sticker is really prominent, and if I worked for Seagate, I'd be cringing in the corner about now. OK, Jabberwock is eyeing things, perhaps thinking that he should blow this scene, but then decides to start up with the nudging again. We get nudging towards the yellow spot, which might really not be all that bad for Mauler 5150 seeing as inverted bot + pulverizer = righted bot. However, this appears to be the exception because we've got Pow! Pow! but we've still got bouncing, upended bot. Now we've got Mauler 5150 up against the screw, and the count out, and finally Game Over. Phew. Things are unhappy in the Mauler 5150 camp. Even that chicken suit looks dejected.


Silverback vs. Tazbot

"At least I can take solace in the fact that eventually this piece of trash will meet up with a better bot than Agitator, and get his butt thoroughly whupped."

This is what I had to say after the last episode, when I truly thought that Agitator should have beat Silverback. I still think that. But when I said this last week, I had no idea who the better bot would be. Now I know. The better bot is none other than The Coolest Of All Cool Robots TAZBOT!

The Coolest Of All Cool Robots Tazbot (COACRT for short) is basically a giant metal insect on wheels. The bottom half is kind of diamond shaped, with barbed pieces of metal sticking out on all sides like spider legs. There's a bigger piece of barbed metal sticking out the back like an oversized stinger. The top half of the bot rotates independently of the bottom half, and is shaped like a large ant head. There's a long black lifting arm that sticks out of the head, and drags along the floor like a monster mosquito probocis. This bot is so cool. I also think that if you could assign gender to a robot,* Tazbot would most definitely be female because in the insect world, the females rule the roost.

[I just want to take a moment to mention here that I do not have a preoccupation with the Mutant Robot team. Back when I first started watching the disaster that is Battlebots, I came to the conclusion that Tazbot was cool and Diesector was a bad-ass before I knew who built either bot. I had no clue they were siblings until my curiousity got the best of me, and I went to the Mutant Robots homepage to find out more information about Diesector. I was truly stunned to find myself staring at Tazbot instead.]

OK RFT. We've got both bots meeting each other in the center of the box, and it looks like Silverback is trying to get his lifting chair underneath COACRT. This is not an easy undertaking, and in the process Silverback ends up inverting himself. Silverback can self-right so this really isn't a problem, but while he's upside-down, COACRT comes over and thwacks him with the probocis. Now we've got Silverback back on his wheels and attempting to hit COACRT again, but COACRT is just too good of a wedge for this and before you know it, Silverback is staring at the ceiling again. This time COACRT takes the inverted Silverback to the screw and gives him a good stuffing. After a small struggle, Silverback manages to right himself, just in enough time to take a major probocis thwack from COACRT. Now we've got COACRT chasing Silverback around the box, and every time she catches up it's bad news for Silverback because his clearance off the floor seems to be optimal to run right up her side. Silverback quickly removes himself from the immediate vicinity of COACRT, and in the process takes a killsaw hit. COACRT now takes a running start, then crashes into, and bounces off of, Silverback. With COACRT clearly the aggressor here, we've got some more pounding of Silverback. It looks like Silverback has left his shaker chair lifting arm in the upright position while this all going on, because every time COACRT puts a hit on him he tips over backwards, and it appears that it's significantly easier to right himself if the chair arm was already in the upright position. Now Silverback puts the arm down and attempts a lift, well what do you know, here's Silverback up on the side of COACRT, there's Silverback falling over on his back, there he is finally righting himself, and there's COACRT coming in with the thwack again before Silverback finishes his re-inversion. Silverback sharpens his butt on the killsaws for a couple seconds before going after COACRT again, and there he is using COACRT's probocis as a ramp again, and there's Silverback showing off his underbelly again. COACRT seizes the moment (and Silverback ) and delivers the flipped Silverback to the spike strip. Oof. Now we've got COACRT excitedly skittering around her prize with her head all in motion. Looks like she's positioning herself for something, and there's that long probocis under Silverback and it looks like she's trying a lift on Silverback, who is still on his back. I'm not sure why, because it looks like Silverback is oriented against the spikes and wall in such a way that would make it difficult to flip him, and even more importantly, the refs are in the process of counting him out! The countdown gets to "4" and then boom!, Silverback flips upright. I guess he's pissed or something because here he comes with three massive hit attempts on COACRT, and each time he ends up on his back wheels on the side of COACRT. Here's the fourth try, and this time he's got the arm raised a bit, and actually gets enough "hold" on COACRT to push her around a bit. COACRT manages to drive away while Silverback is still pushing her with all his strength, and without the 300-pound weight in front of him, Silverback goes flying, full speed, directly into the spikes! OOF. Bwaaa-ha-ha. That could have been the funniest thing I've seen in any Battlebot fight. I take that back. Here's the funniest thing in a Battlebot fight. We've got Silverback face first in the spikes, with his backside sticking out, oh you can see this coming....here comes COACRT with the probocis, thwack! thwack! thwack! right on Silverback's behind. Bwaa-ha-ha! Look at this, if COACRT swings her head all the way around, she can hit the side of Silverback with the other side of the probocis. Thwock! Now we've got COACRT shaking her head back and forth, thwack! thwock! thwack! thwock! Silverback should have stayed upside down during the countout. Silverback finally decides he's had enough of this humiliation and drives off while COACRT sits on the killsaws. Now I'm not sure whether Silverback is actively driving away from COACRT, or whether he's just having locomotion problems, but we're going through a short period here where we don't have contact between the two bots in the box. Now we've got some collisions, all of which are the kind where Silverback starts off with four wheels on the floor and ends up with two wheels on the floor. We're in the last 20 seconds of the fight now, and I think that unless COACRT spontaneously implodes, this is going to be her fight. OK, we've got Silverback up on the side of COACRT again, and COACRT is pushing him over to the killsaws, and we've got a fireworks display for all. The impact of the saws manages to push Silverback off of COACRT, so we've got time for a couple more collisions, and a couple more opportunities for Silverback to ride up the side of COACRT. As a finale, we have Silverback slipping off the side of COACRT, and he's travelling backwards, and it looks like he tries to instantaneously change direction to travel forward, which results in him doing a spontaneous somersault onto his back without any help from COACRT. Impressive lead up to Game Over. COACRT wins. Woo-hoo!


Now we've got some middleweight quarterfinal updates. We've got the half-crippled Heavy Metal Noise with the cutting wheel on Huggy Bear, causing Huggy Bear to literally explode. Ooh. Zion wins over Twin Paradox. Then we're reminded that Hazard moved on as well by beating SABotage, but I don't remember that being a quarterfinal. Actually, it's not clear whether the Zion fight was a quarterfinal either. I suspect we'll get clued in eventually.


Complete Control vs. Psychotron

Here are two more bots we haven't see yet. Complete Control is a box with enormous antler-shaped jaws. The idea is that the opponent runs up over the lower part of the jaw and then the upper part clamps down, trapping him and allowing him to be picked up and delivered to a part of the battlebox of Complete Control's choosing. Psychotron is a wedge on wheels. His armor is made out of parts from ATM machines. It looks that this armor has taken some nasty hits.

OK RFT. Complete Control comes out with gaping jaws, Psychotron comes out with the wedge (of course). Before long, Psychotron manages to drive onto the jaws. Clamp. Lift. There goes Psychotron all vertical before he kind of falls out of the jaws. Complete Control kind of finishes the flip. Now Psychotron is free, but not for long. Here he is in the jaws again. Clamp. Lift. Psychotron slowly goes vertical, then the jaws continue moving back, then there's Complete Control tipping over on his back wheels, and there's Complete Control gently delivering Psychotron back to the floor (inverted, of course). Oops, there's Psychotron with the wedge under Complete Control but Complete Control isn't going anywhere. Now we've got Psychotron free of Complete Control, taking a hit from the killsaws. Then we've got Complete Control on the saws. Now Psychotron again. Enough sparks for everyone to enjoy. Psychotron is trying to position the wedge, gets it squarely into jaws, and then wiggles free before he goes airborne. Psychotron goes and says hi to the screw, then pays a visit to the killsaws. Complete Control smacks into Psychotron, then gets him in the jaws. Clamp. Lift. Toss. Now we've got the bots doing the tango, and then we've got Psychotron in the jaws again. Clamp. Lift. Complete Control takes his time deciding which hazard gets lunch, and then decides on the pulverizer. Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Psychotron takes 5 hits from the pulverizer before he escapes the jaws. Pow! Complete Control takes a hit from the pulverizer as he chases after Psychotron. OK, Complete Control gets Psychotron in the jaws. Clamp. Lift. Now it's time to feed the killsaws. Complete Control delicately positions Psychotron over the killsaws so that the saws get a two course meal of tire rubber and wedge metal before Psychotron manages to free himself. So then we've got Psychotron putting some hits on Complete Control and actually getting up under him not once, but twice. Unfortunately we're counting down the last 17 seconds of the fight, and it's too little, too late for Psychotron. Game Over. 37-8 for Complete Control. We've got Arj interviewing the Complete Control guys after the fight and talking about a fight between Shazbot and Handle Jiggler in 1982. I have to admit that I'm old enough to understand the Shazbot joke.


Battlerat vs. Nightmare

Now we've got Battlerat vs. Nightmare. Battlerat is a wedge with a lifting arm that is sponsored by a radio station in Point Pleasant NJ. My father used to live in Point Pleasant. Year round. He had some choice derogatory terms to describe the summer people. I wonder if the summer people listen to this rat station. If they do, I can see why my father didn't like them too much. After even just this small segment, I find this rat station pretty repulsive. I already don't like their bot. See my crappy home page for my feelings about radio. Nightmare is still the same monster spinning blade as the last time we saw "it", except now I have assigned it female gender.* In this review space, Nightmare is a chick. A kick-ass chick at that.

OK RFT. Both bots emerge from their squares and there is a collision. Battlerat tries to put a lift on Nightmare. Actually, a good idea as Nightmare is not really the most stable of bots. Nightmare gets thrown back a bit. Battlerat gets his lifting arm completely mangled, and stuck in the upright position. So much for that weapon. Now we've got Battlerat trying to get under Nightmare with the wedge, except Jim Smentowski is a much better driver than any of the Battlerat guys, and manages to ensure that the spinning blade always stays facing Battlerat. Battlerat continues to try to get under Nightmare, doing nothing really except getting his wedge beat to shit. Now it looks like Nightmare has got her blade stuck in the hinge of Battlerat's lifting arm. This is a good chance for Battlerat to deliver Nightmare to a hazard, but it looks like his drivers are in the process of betraying him, and he can't capitalize. OK this goes on for 30 seconds and then it's time out to separate the bots. Comedy Central shows us close up footage of the refs prying Nightmare's blade out of Battlerat's hinge. What strikes me about this footage is that all of a sudden everything goes silent while the prying is in progress. When the bots finally come apart there's this deafening "Clank!" and more silence until they drag the bots away from each other, and then Comedy Central slowly fades up the crowd noise. Countdown to action, and its RFT again. For about three seconds, Battlerat has an excellent opportunity to end this fight because Nightmare is facing away from him, but then Nightmare gets smart and does an abrupt about face before Battlerat can get to her. Battlerat comes up to Nightmare and starts pushing her into the screw. Fast. Now we have to visualize what is actually going on here. Nightmare is facing Battlerat with the blade, which is spinning at full speed. Battlerat is pushing with his wedge. When Nightmare hits that screw, she's going to stop, and Battlerat is going to continue to push. It's really likely that the wedge is going to go further underneath her. Remember, the blade is spinning at full speed. Battlerat has a lifting arm stuck in the upright position. This is like watching an imminent train wreck. Bam! Nightmare's blade goes right through the lifting arm. Holy flying shards, Batman! Oh but this is not good for Nightmare. She's completely stuck on the top on Battlerat and not balanced very well. This would be a really good time for Battlerat to deliver Nightmare to the yellow spot, or smack into something that's going to knock Nightmare off his back and onto her side. We'd have major Game Over at that point folks. But no, Battlerat goes over to the killsaws, and drives HIMSELF over the killsaws, damaging himself and allowing Nightmare to drive off his back, completely upright, and get her blade up to speed. Oy. Now we've got Battlerat trying to put hits on the blade side of Nightmare, and Nightmare taking a pretty decent hit from the killsaws. OK, now we've got Battlerat pushing Nightmare into the corner and trapping her there. And sitting. And sitting. And sitting. It's not like Nightmare can do anything, she's stuck. Finally, Battlerat learns the word reverse, and back off enough so that Nightmare can drive away, and then we've got Battlerat kind of pushing Nightmare towards the pulverizer, but Nightmare fights back, and Battlerat just can't get her over the yellow spot. Hey rat guys, pulverizer doesn't count unless you've got hammer connecting with bot. We finally get a single Pow! to Nightmare's blade, with no damage. Nightmare drives away as time runs out. Game Over. 27-18 decision for Nightmare.

Oh and now we've got some words in the box. We've got the rat guys all puffed up like New Jersey alpha-males threatening Team Nightmare (this behavior is known outside of New Jersey as "acting like dicks") because they lost. Come on! What do you expect?! "We controlled the whole fight!" Yeah right. You had about 15 chances to do Nightmare in, you didn't take any of them, and in the process of doing nothing, you took massive hits from Nightmare's spinning blade. It's now the end of the fight, Nightmare is still standing with no damage, and Battlerat is all torn up in shards with his weapon in about five pieces scattered around the box. Of course you lost! Shut up, you freakin' morons! Now we've got booing from somewhere, and we see some audience members giving the thumbs down. We are not told whether the thumbs down are a) for the judges decision, b) for the total Jersey shore guy behavior of team rat, or c) for a totally unrelated fight. My vote is for c, with b in second place. Choice a is just not a possibility. People booing Jim Smentowski in favor of a bunch of bozos in racing shirts. Nope. Nope.


Bad Attitude vs. Complete Control

We've seen both these bots before so I can save myself some typing now and use the savings to spew my uninformed opinions later. I do find it amusing that Tom Petruccelli, Mr. Bad Attitude, admits he's going to "see some air" in this fight.

OK RFT. This one really is a middleweight quarterfinal battle. We even have the shrunk screen to prove it. We've got the start of the fight, and Bad Attitude immediately puts a hit on Complete Control. Complete Control tries to chase down Bad Attitude but Bad Attitude is FAST. And has a really good driver. We've got Bad Attitude putting a few more hits on Complete Control, and then running away before Complete Control can react with the jaws. Nice. Whoa we almost had Bad Attitude in Complete Control's jaws. Bad Attitude escapes, then throws it in reverse and travels right back the way he came, which unfortunately was direct from the jaws. Fatal error. Clamp. Lift. Complete Control carefully files down the edge of Bad Attitude's wedge on the killsaws. Endless screech of saws on metal. Now Complete Control decides to give some of the wedge to the pulverizer. Pow! Pow! Bad Attitude's wedge gets a little flatter. Pow! Pow! Uh oh. For all his careful positioning, Complete Control has managed to get his top jaw under the hammer, and now it's all bent. Complete Control lets Bad Attitude go. While we've got the camera all focused on Complete Control, we see Bad Attitude drive over the killsaws in the background. While we're still focused on Complete Control we see Bad Attitude drive over the killsaws in the background for a second time. Whoa. There we go, we finally get a closeup of Bad Attitude having his troubles with the saws. Looks like Bad Attitude is having trouble with his drivetrain as well, because he's looking mighty disoriented. In fact, he drives directly back into Complete Control's jaws. Clamp. Lift. Killsaws. Sccrrreeeeeeccccchhh! Dentist drill city. Disconcerting. Yuk. I think I'm starting to see smoke from Bad Attitude. Complete Control lets go of Bad Attitude and Bad Attitude scuttles away. Quickly. Now we've got a side view of Complete Control with his jaws open. It almost looks like a hoop. Whoosh...Bad Attitude jumps through the hoop. Cool. Here comes Bad Attitude full speed at Complete Control. He clips him with his left wheels, and just like a car chase in the movies he goes up on his right side wheels, then flips over on his back. Cool. Complete Control takes a mild hit from the saws. Bad Attitude is now screaming around the box, every now and then colliding with Complete Control. Now Bad Attitude drives over the killsaws. Ouch. Complete Control continues to hunt down Bad Attitude. Bad Attitude continues to run. Now Bad Attitude is in the jaws. Clamp. Lift. Looks like the bent arm does not hinder Complete Control whatsoever in grabbing, and holding, Bad Attitude. Complete Control heads to the killsaws. Sccrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecccccchhhhh! Oh, that grinding noise is so horrible. Make it stop. Please. Luckily, time runs out, and Complete Control tosses Bad Attitude across the box one final time. Game Over. 39-6 mauling of Bad Attitude.


So throughout these reviews I've been assigning attributes of humans to non-sentient beings (robots). This is such a common occurance in literature, and in life itself (cars, ships, etc) there's actually a term for it. Personification. It's a good word. File it away somewhere. It's also known as "pathetic fallacy". Seriously. File that away as well. Anyhoo, robots seem to be exclusively given male traits. If you listen to the battlebots announcers (and some of these earlier reviews), all you hear are "HE runs over the killsaws", "HE runs HIMSELF under the hammer", he, he, his, his, himself etc. This isn't fair. Some of those bots have got to be female. So for this web page, and these reviews, I hearby declare that some of the robots are female. But which ones? Well, lifting arms, and hammers, and wedges, and jaws, and spikes, and pointy things in general seem real male. This would make everything from Inertia Labs very male. Hammertime, Deadblow, Killerhurtz, The Judge, and Overkill are male. Vladiator is male. Wedge of Doom, Bad Attitude, and Big B are male. Spinbots with hammers, like Son of Whyachi and Agitator, are male. Jawed bots like Complete Control and Diesector are male.

Curvy things are more traditionally female. The rounded spinbots like Ziggo, Phrizbee, and Swirlee would be female. Circular blades are obviously round, and as such, a "female" trait. That makes Mechavore, Minion, and yes, Nightmare, female. The raptor bots present a problem since their talons are curved and pointy at the same time. I'd say that since they look good, they're girls. Except for Carnage Raptor. The axe blades are curvy but I mean look at the whole bot. It's male.

Now that I've wasted an extra 5 minutes thinking about this, it might be slightly interesting to me to see what "gender" bots win the championship. We're even right now with Ziggo as the LW champ and Toro as the SHW champ. OK, I'm off to have a life now. I have one, you know. Not a major one, but enough of one to prevent me from doing things like playing video games, living in chat rooms, and joining the Society for Creative Anachronism.

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