Little Blue Engine vs. Toro
Little Blue Engine is a blue bot with a couple spikes out the front and big train like wheels with lots
of little holes that someone can stick stuff into. There's a bar in front of them but I still think that
you could get a spike into them. The builders call Little Blue Engine a "fork truck". There's magic sign on the front of it that says "Dread This", and then
if you watch closely, when the fight starts, supposedly seconds later, it magically says "Ole This".
I don't know if I'd stand face-to-face with Toro and say that. Toro of course, is the lifting arm
to end all lifting arms. Mark Beiro really likes Toro's name, and apparently has adopted it as
a mantra because he begins to chant it before the match.
OK RFT. We've got some robot avoidance to start off the match, and then Little Blue Engine gets brave and puts
a hit on the front of Toro. Bad idea. We've got not one, but two flips put on Little Blue Engine by Toro.
Now Little Blue Engine has got one of those fork spikes caught in the killsaw slot. Lots o' sparks until Toro comes
to his aid and gets the spike unstuck. Unfortunately, he does this through a massive flip. Little Blue Engine
splats on the floor and immediately takes a hit from the killsaws. There's a pronounced bend in
one of his spikes now. Toro puts a few hits on him. Now Little Blue Engine is looking kinda wobbly on his wheels.
In fact, he looks ALOT wobbly on his wheels, especially the right rear one. And, oops, there it
goes! Little Blue Engine's wheel dribbles out from under the protective bar and falls over flat in the middle of
the box floor. So now we've got Little Blue Engine driving around the best he can, but he seems to be terminally
stuck in the corner. This isn't really the best place to be to avoid Toro's arm and there you go....once,
twice, three times the flip on Little Blue Engine. Four, five, six, and then Little Blue Engine goes over the killsaws in slow motion.
Oops, looks like the left rear wheel is separating itself from the rest of Little Blue Engine. Now we've got a
close up camera shot of Little Blue Engine being pushed by Toro, on his back, into the wall. You can see the
magic "Ole This" sign upside down, and for some reason, all the bravado just seems to be gone.
Little Blue Engine suddenly levitates, then crashes down. Oof! Now we've got massive pulverizer action on Little Blue Engine.
Little Blue Engine wearily removes himself from under the hammer, only to be immediately pushed over the killsaw.
The announcers push for another flip, but Toro seems to have lost interest in this whole thing.
He looks at Little Blue Engine a couple times, and then leaves it up to the judges. Game Over. 38-7 for Toro.
Stealth Terminator vs. Center Punch
Now we have Stealth Terminator vs. Center Punch.
Stealth Terminator is a black mound, kid of like a more angular and shiny version of Turtle Road Kill.
There's a lifting arm, but it looks like it could be even more useless than Short Order Chef's spatula.
Center Punch is a flat bot with spike and a lime green fist painted on it.
OK, RFT. We've got bots banging into each other but not doing very much damage. Stealth Terminator has got
the arm going but I think that the arm might be better suited to lifting something like Carnage Raptor,
but only if Team Raptor took out all the mechanical parts. Now Stealth Terminator travels very gracefully over the exposed
killsaws. Now there's a bit more banging around and eyeing each other, and then action moves
over towards the pulverizer. Center Punch takes a hit to the right rear wheel, and I get the
feeling that hit may have incapacitated it. I think that Stealth Terminator gets this idea as well, as he moves
in to insure that Center Punch stays over the yellow spot. We get a very long period of Stealth Terminator and Center Punch
not moving out by the by the pulverizer, and what seems like endless pulverizer hits to Center Punch.
A close-up of the non-movement shows that Stealth Terminator has an Ah-nold doll on the top of it. Stealth Terminator then puts
it in reverse and backs off, very possibly due to the fact that wisps of smoke have started to emanate from the top of him.
Stealth Terminator starts lurching around the area, possibly to show the judges that he's still mobile, because
now there's much more smoke surrounding him. Center Punch is looking mighty concave out there on the
yellow spot. Game Over.
New Cruelty vs. Diesector
Now we've got New Cruelty vs. Diesector. This is a super heavyweight semi-final match, and we've seen these bots before.
So they're doing the traditional "What's your strategy?" pre-race questions, but when we get to
Donald Hutson, Mr. Bad-Ass Of All Bad-Ass Robots Diesector, he's got a strange look on his face, like he's just seen something that he's
having a hard time believing happened. Then the question "Are you worried about anything?".
Now the snickering starts and Donald goes "Yeah I'm worried that we're not going to win".
Huh? Excuse me? Then we've got more
snickering, then the other half of Team Mutant Robots joins the snickering, and then we've got a
announcer from somewhere saying "there have been worries" and then we're all RFT. There was
just something wrong with that whole exchange.
OK, RFT. We've immediately got a pushing match going on here with both bots pushing each other around.
Diesector's got the hammers going but pushing just isn't his strength. New Cruelty is going to win if
all we're going to do is push. Uh, Diesector, jaws? So we're having this pushing match, and then
New Cruelty has his ramp under Diesector, and then using the wall as a tool, he's got Diesector up on top
of him all piggyback, and then moves over toward the pulverizer. Diesector's got the hammers going but
that's not going to get him off the back of New Cruelty. Now we've got Diesector under the pulverizer, on the
back of New Cruelty. Massive pulverizer hits to Diesector. We can see he's got his jaws completely
closed in that "overbite" mode but I'm not seeing them open wide enough to eat New Cruelty. And
now we've got Diesector flailing with the hammers, pathetically trying to drag himself off the back
of New Cruelty and this whole thing is just wrong. DIESECTOR, OPEN YOUR JAWS. Diesector finally makes it
off of New Cruelty and we finish off the rest of the three minutes pushing each other around, Diesector with
a few random hammer hits but still no jaws. We've got a 24-21 decision for New Cruelty, some canned boos,
and serious Game Over for Diesector.
This was my bot. My favorite bot that actually stood a decent chance to get the championship.
And it went down like this. Something had to be wrong. It was wrong right from the start
and I have a feeling that the "pre-fight" questioning actually happened after the fight,
and that look of disbelief on Donald's face was probably very similar to the one I had on my
face when this one was done. I'm going to email Mutant Robots and ask what was
going on. I suspect they won't answer a retarded question like this but at least I tried.
And at least I still have my coolest of all cool robots yet to go. They haven't shown him yet.
They'll show him. They always show him. He may not be a favorite to go all the way to the end,
but we'll see at least one of his fights. He's too cool not to show at least once.
Let us have a moment of silence for Bad-Ass Of All Bad-Ass Robots Diesector.
New Cruelty vs. Toro
Here's the super heavyweight final. We've already seen these bots several times, so we can dispense
with the introductions. I'm not sure I see a way that New Cruelty can beat Toro without an
active weapon of some sort. I just don't think that the "bot is the weapon" is going to work with
a flipping arm like Toro. And I don't think we're going see Toro's batteries run out this year.
OK RFT. New Cruelty immediately comes out of his square and starts pushing Toro around. Toro is
not looking very aggressive here. We've got more of New Cruelty pushing Toro for about a minute. Oof!
New Cruelty pushes Toro into the spike strip. OK, now Toro's pissed. And there we go, Toro with a major
flip on New Cruelty. That seems to have temporarily taken the wind out of Toro's sails though, because now
we've got New Cruelty pushing him around again, and giving him a love tap into the spikes. That seems to get
Toro riled up again because here comes another flip. Ouch! New Cruelty ends up inverted. New Cruelty can run this
way, but the ramp is now inverted as well, changing New Cruelty from a box with a piece of metal that runs
along the floor (and guards against a flipper getting in there) into a box with a piece of metal
sticking up off the top (effectively increasing the area available to a flipper arm by about 20%).
And there you go, Toro puts a flip on New Cruelty, using the extra 20% of available bot surface area.
Oops, now New Cruelty is rightside up again and trying to be aggressive. We get a little more pushing around
and then we have Toro using the properly oriented ramp to put a flip on New Cruelty. Guess the ramp
only works on bots with broken jaws. New Cruelty is inverted again, but not for long, as here comes Toro
with yet another flip. Toro celebrates by sitting on the killsaws. Now it looks like New Cruelty is
majorly motionless on top of the pistons and the folks from Wisconsin are screaming at Inertia
Labs to flip them, I guess hoping that some of Toro's energy will be magically transferred to them.
Toro waits until the clock reads 0:000005 and then finally gives the New Cruelty people what they've been waiting
for. Game Over. I predict that Toro wins this because 5 flips will beat 20 pushes. And actually
being able to move at the end of the match counts for something as well. Hey. 36-9 judges
decision for Toro. Why am I not suprised. Not-my-favorite-bot Toro wins the super heavyweight
Silverback vs. Agitator
Now we've got a match between two bots that I've never seen before. Silverback is another entry
from the Death By Monkeys folks. We know this because there are two monkey skull stickers on the
front. It's a silver box with a lifting arm that looks kind of like a Shaker chair.
Shaker chairs usually don't make good flippers. Agitator is a spinbot with hammers that looks
like a weak version of Son of Whyachi. I don't sense that either of these bots is very impressive.
OK, RFT. Agitator spins up to speed while Silverback heads straight for the pulverizer. Pow! Then
we've got Agitator smashing into Silverback and there goes Silverback onto his side. This could be a really short
fight. Silverback struggles for a bit, flailing with the Shaker chair, and slowly, slowly, slowly starts to
tip......and falls over backwards. Now we've got Silverback upside down and it looks like the Shaker
chair makes a better re-inverter than a flipping arm because there goes Silverback right side up again.
Agitator is continually putting hits on Silverback but appears to be doing it too quickly, not allowing
the hammers to come up to speed. Now we've got Agitator on the Shaker chair, and we may have a lift,
we've got half of Agitator off the floor. Yikes, that was weak, and Agitator scuttles away. Agitator puts some
more hits on Silverback, but now it just looks like the hammers aren't strong enough to do much damage.
Real hammers would send Silverback flying across the box. Now Silverback uses Agitator as a skateboard ramp and gets
some serious air. Wheeeeee! Now Silverback starts smacking Agitator around a bit and gets him in the spikes.
Now we've got Agitator on the Shaker chair again and just enough lift to get his wheels off the floor.
So now we've got the bots just sitting there for a little while apparently waiting for something
that I don't know what it is. Silverback tries to back up, causing Agitator to fall off the chair. Now that
his wheels are back on the floor, Agitator drives under Silverback, and we've got skate ramp #2. Wheeeee!
Now we've got the bots making hits on each other, and we've got Silverback going up and over Agitator a frightening
number of times considering Agitator's weapons are hammers and not ramps. Now this is beautiful.
We've got Agitator on the killsaws, and the saws pop up and toss Agitator about 18 inches in the air. Agitator
goes flying into the top of the shaker chair and then flying across the box. Slick. Uh oh.
Looks like that move has bent Agitator's hammer arms such that they don't spin anymore. OK, someone just
went over the killsaws and spewed the coolest glowing white metal shards around the box. Now we've
got Silverback kind of going over Agitator, and kind of over the killsaws. Now Silverback is taking a running start
to put the hit on Agitator, and here he comes, and there he goes onto skate ramp #3, and he's got air
and...Whap! Right onto his back, perilously close to the pulverizer. Silverback self-rights and comes
back at Agitator. And goes over him AGAIN. Time is running out. Silverback runs towards the pulverizer,
then comes back at Agitator, and up on top of him, and almost goes over on his side again, and time
finally does run out. Game Over. So both the boyfriend and I see this as a clear victory for Agitator.
Silverback didn't get any flips in with that shaker chair, whereas Agitator puts major hits on Silverback, and has him up in the
air, and has him tipped over on his side and has him upside down a couple times. Judges decision,
26-19, FOR SILVERBACK??!!!?? Huh???!!! Have the judges gone loopy? This gets my vote for worst
judges decision ever. At least I can take solace in the fact that eventually this piece of trash
will meet up with a better bot than Agitator, and get his butt thoroughly whupped.
Pack Raptors vs. SABotage
Now we've got Pack Raptors vs. SABotage. Team Raptor gets my vote for the absolutely gnarliest
looking robots. Boxes with talons. Talons are cool. Birds of prey are cool. The raptor cage is
one of the coolest parts of the zoo. When I went to the San Diego Zoo, one of the harpy eagles
was flying around, firmly gripping his rodent lunch. Cool. When I went to the Boston Museum of
Science, they brought out a great horned owl. The little kids could care less. The adults were
all transfixed, and cornered the poor museum attendant with questions after the exhibition and
wouldn't let him go put the owl back. Cool. The bad thing about Team Raptor is that their bots kind of suck, so
they get eliminated kind of quick and they don't get a lot of air time. I really wish they'd
improve Tripulta Raptor so that it could win a fight and be on TV more often than a 30 second
Bud Light commercial. Tripulta Raptor is by far the scariest looking robot around. It isn't a
robot with a talon, it is a talon. A talon on wheels. Actually a talon on killsaw magnets.
No wonder it loses all the time. Anyway, it's no suprise that the Bud people picked that bot out of
all 500 or so contenders. (I should mention that none of this pertains to Carnage Raptor. Carnage
Raptor doesn't have talons, and kicks ass, and gets plenty of airtime). Pack Raptors are a two-bot
middleweight. Two twin boxes with talons. SABotage is triangular metal mouse thing with a ladder
shaped lifting/trapping arm.
OK, RFT. Pack Raptors come out and put some hits on SABotage. One of the raptors manages to impale
himself on the lifting arm. SABotage lifts the raptor and rolls around the box for a bit, holding
his prize up for everyone to see. The other raptor puts an ineffectual hit on SABotage. SABotage
eventually drops his prize. SABotage pushes the raptors around a bit then drives over towards the
pulverizer while the raptors play bumper cars with each other. Now we've got everyone looking at
each other and then we've got the raptors attempting to do something with SABotage. They're putting
some hits on him but not doing any damage. Now SABotage is manhandling one of the raptors, and the
other is watching this all go on. Perhaps hitting SABotage while he's preoccupied with your twin
might be a good idea. They don't seem to work in tandem all that well. Yowza! That was amazing.
One of the raptors got on the spinner, and spun around like Michelle Kwan before being thrown a bit.
Wow. The spinner did something. Wow. So the Pack Raptors are swarming like gnats on SABotage, and
generally making a nuisance of themselves. One of them gets under the pulverizer, pow, and then
goes back to annoy SABotage. Now the pulverized raptor gets up on top of SABotage and SABotage flips him over onto
his side, mere inches from the yellow spot. Now we've got the pulverized raptor on his back,
receiving a tenderizing from the shaft of the pulverizer. Now the tender raptor pushes up against
the strip near the pulverizer like an inverted beetle trying to right itself, and eventually
manages to get back on his wheels. Now SABotage chomps down on one of the raptors and drags him around
a bit, attempting to get him on the yellow spot. In the process, the other raptor manages to get
himself in front of this train wreck and goes along for the ride. The trapped raptor wiggles
free at the last moment and both raptors go scurrying away. One goes back on the spinner
and gets bounced a bit. Wow. So now we've got both Pack Raptors pushing on the front of SABotage
and succeeding in getting one of them underneath. Finally given the chance, the raptors deliver
SABotage to the pulverizer. POW! POW! Ooh, points for Pack Raptors. Now suddenly energized, one
of the raptors takes a running start and puts an impressive hit on SABotage. Now we've got the
raptors buzzing SABotage, and SABotage has got one on his snout and he's pushing it around. Now we've
got more pain-in-the-butt raptors just really doing nothing to SABotage, I mean the little raptor
lifting arms just aren't very effective against big whomper SABotage. Now SABotage manages to flip one
of the raptors, and let me tell you that an inverted pack raptor motoring around the box is
one of the coolest things I've seen all season. SABotage now goes after the intact raptor, and the
inverted raptor attempts to come to the rescue. This all ends up with everyone taking a turn on
the killsaws. So SABotage continues to chase the upside-right raptor, with the upside-down raptor
scurrying around in the background. Have I told you how totally fucking cool an upside-down
raptor scurrying around the box looks? So the upside-down raptor accepts his fate in
upside-down-land, and continues fighting in this position alongside his correctly oriented
twin. SABotage delivers the inverted raptor to the killsaws as time runs out. Personally, I think
that as cool as Pack Raptors look, they got their butt kicked today. Judges agree with me,
26-19 decision for SABotage. Game Over.
So we don't get a seventh fight today. What a rip off. Instead we get ten seconds of the
super heavyweight nut presentation ceremony, and to show how little of this we actually get
to see, they don't even show the bimbos with the too short garments. It boggles the mind
that Comedy Central has actually passed up a chance to insert gratuitous jiggle.