List of fights in this episode:
  1. Toro vs. The Judge
  2. Ogre vs. Techno Destructo
  3. Junkyard Offspring vs. Nightmare
  4. Ronin vs. Diesector
  5. New Cruelty vs. Odin II
  6. Toro vs. Vladiator
  7. Techno Destructo vs. Diesector
 


Toro vs. The Judge

Now we've got Toro vs. The Judge. We've seen both of these bots this season so I'm going to skip the introduction.

OK RFT. Here they come at each other, The Judge is in front of Toro and takes a swat with his hammer and connects. Unfortunately, to connect he's got to be close to Toro the bot, which is bad. Even worse, The Judge decided to take this shot from the front, so now he's even closer to Toro the flipping arm. Whap! Over he goes. Now I guess theoretically The Judge should be able to reinvert himself (he ain't going nowhere on his back) but it looks like The Judge's hammer has picked a really bad time to have a contract dispute because it looks like it's gone out on strike, leaving the big, clear box that is The Judge upside down in the middle of the box. Three second fight. Toro watches this in disbelief, then slowly travels over to his corner, and backs himself into the red box, because there's nothing better to do. Game Over.


Ogre vs. Techno Destructo

Now we've got Ogre vs. Techno Destructo. Ogre is the flat box with the fangs out the front. We saw this bot last week and this week we get to meet his owner. Some people are weird in a funny way. Some people are just plain weird and try really hard to be funny. Let's just say I wasn't laughing, although the BBQ Barbie was slightly entertaining. Techno Destructo looks like a big snail with a lifting arm. Last year he was a gleaming metal snail. This year he's a snail in a lime green metal cage of some sort.

OK RFT. We've got both bots out of the box and then we have immediate slam cam, and by the time I've adjusted to slam cam POV we're out of slam cam vision, and then when I readjust into reality, we're back in slam cam. The announcers mention that they get letters all the time for more slam cam, I would like to track down the authors of said letters and have some words with them. OK, we seem slam cam of Techno Destructo getting under Ogre and then zip to reality for the flip. Unfortunately, when we cut to the full view, we see that this flip is occuring directly over the killsaws and as we expect, sparks fly. Techno Destructo needs to back off in a hurry and as he does so, he disappears into a cloud of smoke that comes pouring out from his body. Actually, it's not smoke. It's water condensation. Techno Destructo is filled with liquid CO2, and he let a bunch of it fly, and when you put all that cold stuff in the air, the water comes out.

OK, you'll have to humor me here with this aside, because this talk of liquid CO2 reminds me of my previous career as an electron microscopist. I had a piece of equipment hooked onto my scope that needed to be chilled to very low temperatures. We used liquid nitrogen. You could do some really interesting things with LN2. If you pour LN2 over a CD, you can get the plastic to delaminate from the metal foil in the center. The foil is unbelievably thin. It is also very close to the side of the CD where the writing is. So although it is difficult to scratch up the side of the CD with the thick plastic, it is very easy to destroy it from the other side. Beware.

Anyhoo, I think at one point I was actually writing a Battlebots episode review here. We were at the point where Techno Destructo let go a lot of CO2. After this, he comes in and flips Ogre. Ogre runs inverted, so we're not at Game Over yet. Now we're all slam cam for a gruesome closeup of the killsaws coming in contact with Ogre. Then Techno Destructo moves in for another flip, and in the process, parks his very ample butt squarely on the killsaws. Lots o' sparks for the kids at home. Techno Destructo gets the point quickly and moves on, but not before putting a partial flip on Ogre. OK we've got massive slam cam in this segment, and here we're seeing an excruciating close up of Ogre pushing Techno Destructo toward the pulverizer. We go back to full screen for a couple major pulverizer hits on Techno Destructo. Techno Destructo drives away and then decides that his wheel is too big, so he goes over to the killsaws to whittle a bit of it off. Just as foot binding hobbled Chinese women, a whittled wheel hobbles Techno Destructo. So now we've got Techno Destructo kind of driving in circles and Ogre kind of driving in reverse, since he's flipped over. Techno Destructo manages to make his way over to Ogre and puts a mighty flip on him. Ogre lands on the yellow dot. Pow! Ogre escapes, only to back himself under pulverizer again while Techno Destructo whittles away at his other wheel. Techno Destructo puts some lifts on Ogre but doesn't flip him over. Instead, he pushes Ogre to the pulverizer and briefly traps him there, resulting in massive pulverizer action. Ogre stops driving around, starts lurching around, and then stops completely, weakly waving his fangs in the wind. Techno Destructo goes into the victory spin, Comedy Central goes to the slam cam, we all go rushing into the bathroom with motion sickness. Game Over.


Junkyard Offspring vs. Nightmare

Now we've got Junkyard Offspring vs. Nightmare. Junkyard Offspring is a big box made out of spare car parts, with a couple pulsating spikes on the front. Nightmare is a large, vertical, nasty, spinning wheel. His builders have the best robot fighting site on the web.

OK RFT. Nightmare moves in and deconstructs Junkyard Offspring one flying piece of metal at a time. At one point Junkyard Offspring gets a good hit in on Nightmare and almost knocks him over. That would have really been ugly. Nightmare manages to keep on his feet, and the fight goes on. Looks like that hit put Junkyard Offspring out of commission though, because now he's just sitting there, all crumpled, smoking, and looking extremely pathetic in the middle of the box. As the boyfriend put it, "he tried". Count out, Game Over. After the fight we find out that one of the flying pieces of Junkyard Offspring took out one of the in-box cameras. Talk about Slam Cam...


Ronin vs. Diesector

Now we've got Ronin vs. Diesector. Ronin is a bot with big metal killsaw magnets and a horizontal cutting wheel on the front. Then we have the Bad-Ass Of All Bad-Ass Robots Diesector (heretofor known as BAOABARD) with huge gripping jaws on the front, long hammer arms on the side, and monster truck wheels.

OK RFT. The robots come at each other and BAOABARD immediately starts pushing Ronin around. Ronin's got the slam cam this time. And there's slamming going on. Ronin continues to be pushed at BAOABARD's whim, taking a beating from the hammer arms all the time. BAOABARD rudely introduces Ronin to the wall. Now BAOABARD has Ronin firmly in his grip, Ronin tries to take out the floor with his cutting wheel. The floor holds its ground. BAOABARD hesitates for a second, trying to figure out what to do with this bot it's got in its jaws, and then decides he really likes slamming it into the wall. So he takes a running start, and then we've got the wall looming ever larger in Ronin's slam cam, and then for some inexplicable reason we go back to full view for the actual collision with the wall. I thought it was the slam cam! We've got bots going over killsaws in slam cam, we've got victory dance in slam cam, now there's an actual good opportunity to use the slam cam to its intended purpose and nooooo. OK, we've got Ronin looking dazed in the middle of the box, meanwhile BAOABARD is doing that so totally nifty thing where he opens his jaws so wide his front wheels come off the floor. BAOABARD is moving in for dinner and attacks Ronin from the front and then we've got slam cam of the jaws closing in on Ronin, and I think that the slam cam could have just caught its first truly awesome image. BAOABARD grabs Ronin, gives him a tenderizing with the hammers, drops him, and repeats, impervious to the cutting blade. BAOABARD pushes Ronin to the killsaws, tenderizing the floor with the hammer arms on the way over. Sparks. Pretty. Now a vortex forms around the killsaws and draws Ronin in a couple more times, and I see lots of little Ronin shards littering the box floor. BAOABARD grabs Ronin then spits him out, Ronin doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Hmmm, treads + killsaws, I can't imagine why Ronin has locomotion problems, and why do people put treads on bots?! OK BAOABARD opens wide, chomps Ronin, delivers him to the spikes, then spits him out again in favor of some headbutts to the cutting wheel. Slam cam is picking up a lot of gripping jaw shots today. Now time is running out, so BAOABARD puts a firm grip on Ronin and delivers him to the spike strip, letting loose with the hammer arms on the way over. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Slam cam captures the ceiling. Game Over. BAOABARD does the funky victory dance. After the fight, we're treated to Team Mutant Robots and the Ronin folks duking it out on the top of the real BAOABARD with the BAOABARD grip n' grappler and the Ronin battle basher. They don't show enough of the fight for me to call it. The real BAOABARD wonders what he did to deserve this.


New Cruelty vs. Odin II

Now we've got New Cruelty vs. Odin II. Odin II looks like Hazard on steroids. New Cruelty is eight wheels and a ramp.

OK RTF. Both bots start off tentatively. Looks like Odin II's horizontal spinning blade is too high to do much damage to New Cruelty. There's a collision, and somehow Odin II ends up directly under the pulverizer. New Cruelty makes sure that he stays there for a good hit. Then we've got Odin II going over the killsaws and not taking damage. Then we've got some pushing and New Cruelty smushes Odin II into the screw, AND THE SCREW DOES DAMAGE! What a weird bot. Takes the killsaws just fine and then gets hurt by the screw. OK, we've got Odin II over the killsaws again, there goes a piece flying off of Odin II, guess it's not as weird as I thought. Then we've got more pushing, and we've got Odin II with New Cruelty pushed up against the wall. Then they sit there doing nothing for an extended period of time before Odin II finally relents and puts it in reverse. Once New Cruelty is free we've got him manhandling Odin II in the general direction of the pulverizer, now we've got him manhandling Odin II directly under the pulverizer, then we've got massive pulverizer hits on Odin II. Game Over.


Toro vs. Vladiator

Now we've got Toro vs. Vladiator. Toro is still a flipping arm. Vladiator is still a flat box with a black spike out the front. I'm still unsure how this bot managed to win the championship last year. I mean, if Trimangle can take off that spike....

OK RFT. Vladiator takes off from his square like a bat out of hell and immediately takes a major hit from a seam in the floor. That spike almost came off. Then we've immediately got the shrunk screen, this is the quarterfinals you know. The Toro and Vladiator crash into each other, and this time the spike does come off. So now we've got the killer lifting arm vs. a flat wedge with no weapon. It appears that Vladiator now has three choices. 1. Bash into the side of Toro and hope that his favorite deity sees it fit to just turn Toro off. 2. Run. 3. Learn to land a triple back flip. So we've got Vladiator bash into the side of Toro, but then his favorite deity lets him down and Toro turns around and smushes him into the spike strip. Then Vladiator runs. Then Toro catches up and places a mighty flip on Vladiator. And then another. Vladiator tries to run again. Nothing doing. Toro takes about 2 seconds to catch up, and it's a quintuple twist into a double flip! So now Vladiator does some serious scurrying away from Toro, but then thinks the better of spending the next two minutes on the run. He opts for the bashing again, and puts a couple hits on the front of Toro, resulting in a couple more backflips. Vladiator looks a bit shellshocked, but then gathers his wits and learns how to put a hit on the front of Toro and run away before Toro activates the arm. Unfortunately, these hits aren't doing a lot of damage and the deities just will NOT cooperate so it looks like we're just prolonging the inevitable here. We've got the two bots doing the fox-trot together, then Toro manages to get around the side of Vladiator and flip him so he lands on the yellow spot. Major pulverizer hits to Vladiator. We've only got 20 seconds left in the fight, but that's 20 seconds too long for Toro. Toro lifts Vladiator and places him up on his rearend against the wall, making sure that Vladiator's wheels are no closer than six inches from the floor. Time runs out before Vladiator can be counted out. Game Over. 32-13 decision for Toro.


Techno Destructo vs. Diesector

Now we've got Techno Destructo vs. the Bad-Ass Of All Bad-Ass Robots Diesector (aka BAOABARD) We've already seen clips of this fight with Techno Destructo putting a major flip on BAOABARD. The boyfriend thinks that BAOABARD is in trouble. I think that BAOABARD beats the tar out of Techno Destructo, as many people probably expect, but they're showing this clip to generate interest that Techno Destructo stands a chance. My prediction is that this is the only hit Techno Destructo gets on BAOABARD, that Donald Hutson hits his special inversion button, runs the rest of match inverted, and causes grievous injury to Techno Destructo.

OK, RTF. We're about 4 seconds into the fight and there it is! The now famous Techno Destructo flip on BAOABARD! Techno Destructo lets loose a bunch of CO2 and pushes BAOABARD around a bit, and close to the pulverizer! BAOABARD hammers pound the floor, then BAOABARD squirts out from Techno Destructo and just avoids pulverization. BAOABARD comes around and gets under Techno Destructo and gets in a few good hammer hits. Pow. Pow. Techno Destructo lifts some air, and then gets away from BAOABARD. BAOABARD comes around again, gets under Techno Destructo again, and then we've got major BAOABARD hammer hits as Techno Destructo gets pushed into the corner near the pulverizer. Pow. Pow. Pow. Now Techno Destructo is stuck in the corner and the pulverizer is looming. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Yow! Techno Destructo gets a second flip in on BAOABARD. Now BAOABARD is in the corner. Now he's out. Now Techno Destructo is smushed into the spike strip in the corner. Now BAOABARD backs off. Techno Destructo stays put. Uh oh. We've got some serious lack of life signs from Techno Destructo. And like a shark drawn to blood, here comes BAOABARD to put some major spike strip smushage on Techno Destructo. Looks kinda painful. While BAOABARD still has his jaws under Techno Destructo, he picks him up and deposits him on the yellow spot. POW! POW! Here comes BAOABARD in with his hammers, it's a hammer party on Techno Destructo! POW! Pow. Pow. POW! Pow. POW! POW! Pow. Pow. Pow. POW! Now BAOABARD backs off and lets the pulverizer finish things off. POW! POW! POW! Now Pete backs off as well, and Techno Destructo is looking all pathetic just sitting there. There's life in one of his wheels though, and here comes BAOABARD with his hammers to finish it off. Pow. Pow. There we go now it's stopped moving. The count out starts. Here comes BAOABARD in with the jaws and hammers just because he can. Count out finishes. My prediction was almost right. Techno Destructo got two really good hits on BAOABARD, and BAOABARD finished the match upright, and not inverted. Game Over. Builder reaction shots. Donald Hutson rejoices. Sean Irvin sits there, motionless, staring at the beaten hulk that once was his pride and joy, with the most intense look of dejection on his face I've ever seen in Battlebots. There was not even the smallest iota of doubt in his mind that he was going to beat BAOABARD. I'm going to set aside the sarcasm here, a rare occurance in an episode review, and say that I honestly feel bad for him.


I should mention that as I'm writing this, I've got the Daytona 500 on in the background. Am I the only one that thinks it's totally gnarly that a woman qualified for the Daytona 500? It's just too bad it couldn't have been a good woman driver. No "Gentlemen, start your engines!". Today it's "Drivers start your engines" which is certainly better than "Gentlemen and lady, start your engine" which is what I heard the last time I saw Shawna race. WTF is Dave Marcis doing at front of the pack? He's like 60 years old and his car has been a hunk of junk for the last ten years. Oh he's retiring after this. I'd say that was the best news since Darrell Waltrip retired, but unfortunately they put ol' DW in the announcers booth, so instead of having engine trouble at lap 56 and being out of our hair, we've got to deal for the whole 250/300/350 whatever laps. Holy shit! Tony Stewart is out with engine trouble at lap 2! They should go interview him NOW, while he's still angry. Oooh, Junior's out with a flat right front tire, look at that loose tread take out the entire right front corner of the car. Harsh. Oooh, there was flying metal debris on the racetrack that cut the tire! Major harsh. OK enough. Let me just say I've been a NASCAR fan for 10 years and Battlebots will NEVER be bigger than NASCAR. A hundred pounds of bot crashing into the lexan wall at 15 mph just isn't the same as a ton of car crashing into the concrete wall at 150 mph. Not to mention that there are probably way too many bot builders with post-high school education, and not enough people into good ol' huntin' and fishin'.