List of fights in this episode:
  1. Heavy Metal Noise vs. T-Minus
  2. Ziggo vs. Wedge of Doom
  3. Maximus vs. Toro
  4. Ziggo vs. Death by Monkeys
  5. Minion vs. No Apology
  6. Hammertime vs. The Judge
  7. Ziggo vs. Big B
 


Heavy Metal Noise vs .T-Minus

We've got the partially disabled Heavy Metal Noise vs. cute ol' T-Minus. Heavy Metal Noise is a box with one spinning blade on the right side. At one point it had two blades, one on each side, but the left one got chopped off somewhere along the line. It's also got these strange metal supports sticking out of it, that makes it look like the bot is on crutches. Here are the builders of Heavy Metal Noise with their strategy, "hopefully we can take out his arm". Meanwhile, I mutter "yeah right with your hobbled piece of trash" and all I can say is that it's a really good thing that I'm not one to bet money on anything and that the foreshadowing has gone over my head. T-Minus is still the same cute ol' T-Minus.

OK RFT. Heavy Metal Noise comes right at the FRONT of T-Minus, I mean directly toward the flipping arm. T-Minus actually backs off, I guess that disk could cause some damage. Oh my! With only the one disk Heavy Metal Noise is completely not stable and here we've got Son of Whaychi Jr. attempting the airborne thing and there he goes right over on his side! Now we've got Heavy Metal Noise propped up on one wheel and one of those crutch supports and it's just flailing completely out of control, but there's only the crutch and the wheel rim in contact with the floor and the rest of the bot really far from the floor and that crutch thing is actually making this bot somewhat stable in this position. This is not the optimal configuration for T-Minus to pull off a flip and especially not since that spinning disk is now the one driving Heavy Metal Noise. All of a sudden there's actually a fight. Who woulda thunk. Oh wait, maybe I spoke too soon there goes Heavy Metal Noise back over onto his "feet", here comes T-Minus, there goes the fight again. T-Minus gets in a couple really good flips, however, since Heavy Metal Noise is invertable it's not too disasterous because he's still scurrying around. There's some dancing around the box and then for some reason Heavy Metal Noise decides to pose for pictures. Here comes T-Minus around the back, oh you can see this coming from a mile away. Yup, there's the flipper arm under the butt, and there's Heavy Metal Noise upended. All is right with the universe. Here's T-Minus with the flipper arm under the chest, and there's Heavy Metal Noise upended. All is still right with the universe. Here's T-Minus with the flipper arm under the non-disk side of Heavy Metal Noise, and there's Heavy Metal Noise upended. The universe is peachy. OK, we're going to start the cycle over again, there's T-Minus with the flipper arm under the butt, and there's Heavy Metal Noise upended. Universe check - AOK. Again we've got the T-Minus flipper arm under the butt, and there's Heavy Metal Noise upended, but wait, that didn't quite work right because the disk came right back at T-Minus at the end of the flip. I'm seeing fluctuations in subspace readings, captain. Here comes T-Minus and T-Minus tries the flip on the disk side and there's Heavy Metal Noise upended and there's T-Minus with his arm up, and here's Heavy Metal Noise's disk coming back....oooohhhh!!! Disk hit to exposed parts! Don't you just hate it when that happens! Here's Heavy Metal Noise bouncing across the floor trying to attack the wall of the battlebox, and there's T-Minus still in the middle of the box and wait, why isn't his arm back down yet? Sensors have picked up a quantum filament, captain. There's Heavy Metal Noise deciding that attacking T-Minus might produce more measureable results than attacking the wall, and there's T-Minus, completely immobile in the center of the box. I think the Enterprise just entered the quantum filament, captain, and the reverse thrusters are not working. There's Heavy Metal Noise putting hits on T-Minus and T-Minus is just not moving AT ALL, and there's Heavy Metal Noise putting T-Minus on the killsaws just because he can, and there's the count out, and the buzzer. I think the universe just got turned inside out, captain.

Let us now have a moment of silence for T-Minus.

...


Then we've got an update about goings on in the lightweight division and they went by real fast. I didn't capture them on video but here's what it looks like went on. In the quarter-finals we have Slap 'Em Silly the Ebay bot beat by Big B, and we have a smoking Sallad beat by Death by Monkeys, and we have Hexy Jr. being eliminated by Carnage Raptor (I would have really liked to see this fight). Then we've got a semi-final with Carnage Raptor getting beat on by Big B and boy I REALLY would have liked to see this one. Not only because it would be really nice to see what the deal is with this rookie bot that's beating the crap out of your favorite veteran lightweight but because this rookie bot just beat the crap out of MY favorite veteran lightweight.

Let us now have a moment of silence for Carnage Raptor.

...



Then we have Ziggo taking out Serial Box Killer. Then we have a segment with Jonathan Ridder taking advantage of some fan, which for some reason I did capture on video, and everything seems just so forced and everyone seems just so uncomfortable except for the cat. It's possible the shot of the cat is the most entertaining part of the segment. But I have to give Jonathan Ridder/Team Ziggy brownie points for being cat people that actually have entered a contender bot in the competition.


Ziggo vs. Wedge of Doom

Now we've got a quarterfinal with Ziggo vs Wedge of Doom. While watching the intro on my tape, the boyfriend points out that Ziggo's new years resolution was to stop smoking. Hmmm....this went by me the first time around....hmmm....

OK RFT. It's going to take Ziggo 6 seconds to spin up, and Wedge of Doom puts a hit on him at 2 seconds but it doesn't seem to do anything, 3...4...5...6...Ziggo's up to speed...and wastes no time in putting a hit on the killsaws! Ziggo is immediately out of control and gets some excellent air on his way towards the wall. Oooff, that hadda hurt. Now is it just me, or with the possible exception of Son of Whyachi's spetacular maiden flight, is Ziggo the most unstable bot in the competition? Anyhoo, we've now got Ziggo upright on the floor, post-wall, and not spinning. Hey Wedge of Doom! Looky here, an opportunity! Here we go, Wedge of Doom comes over and has got the wedge under Ziggo, and he's got Ziggo caught between the wedge and the wall, and here comes the lifting arm, and Wedge of Doom delievers the most ineffective lift since Short Order Chef's spatula! Now we've got Ziggo upright and not spinning, trapped in the corner. Hey Wedge of Doom, here's opportunity smacking you right upside the head! Here comes Wedge of Doom poking at Ziggo with his lifting arm up. Would it be more effective to slam him with the lifting arm down? So Wedge of Doom backs off and puts his arm down, and waits, and waits, and waits, and you guessed it...Ziggo gets out of the corner and spins up to speed and now Wedge of Doom is backing up. Here comes Wedge of Doom NOW, now that we've got a fully spinning Ziggo, with the hit, and Wedge of Doom goes flying a bit. But maybe there was some strategy in this after all, because Ziggo goes flying way off-balance yet again, and now he's gotta spin down. Now there's Wedge of Doom backing up for a running start, and here he comes flying across the box right at Ziggo, misses Ziggo, and pounds his wedge right under the spike strip near the pulverizer! Holy stuck, Batman! So Wedge of Doom wiggles around and gets unstuck, and flies backward in the process, and passes over the yellow dot...Pow! Ooh, that hadda hurt. Meanwhile, Ziggo is in the other corner of the box, completely spun to speed. Here they come right at each other again, Ka-boom! Holy sudden change of velocity, Batman! Both bots go flying, and here's Ziggo off balance, and here he's spinning completely sideways! Now that's impressive. Somehow Ziggo gets back upright. (I, meanwhile, have horrible flashbacks to the precession lecture in 8.01.) Now we're looking at Wedge of Doom again and it looks like the wedge is kinda bent. Ziggo's spun up again (and still looking mighty unstable to me), then there's a love tap between the two that might have bent the wedge a bit more. Wedge of Doom is eyeing Ziggo with trepidation, and here's another hit, and there goes a wedge! OK, shot of the beaten wedge in the corner of the box and now here's the defaced Wedge of Doom. You know things are bad when your doom giver is separated from your bot. Sure enough, one more hit on Wedge of Doom and one of the wheels go flying, and then Wedge of Doom expires and Game Over. Ziggo spins down and I swore I saw wisps of smoke from the Zig. OK, so now we've got the replay, and now we're back real time....and holy combustion, Batman! We've got Ziggo seriously on fire, and Jonathan Ridder is just holding this flaming metal hunk and here comes the extinguisher, and remember this is the bot that WON the fight.


Maximus vs. Toro

Now we've got Maximus vs. Toro. Maximus is a simple wedge, and Toro is a box with a really scary lifting arm. In fact, it probably wouldn't be too far off to say that Toro IS a lifting arm, and let me just take some time to mention that Toro is really just not my favorite robot, and let me tell you that the fact that my favorite bad-ass robot just happens to be in his weight division has nothing to do with this decision.

OK RFT. We've got Maximus scurrying and around trying to avoid the lifting arm, Toro kind of gets a lift but not really, and then we see Maximus get stuck UNDER Toro's lifting arm....ooh ...wow.....and then Maximus is out and about. It's a good thing he's somewhat manuverable, but then the inevitable, we've got Maximus flipped, and Maximus flipped, and Maximus flipped again, and then somehow we've got Maximus tossed under the pulverizer, and now we've got a really gnarly dent in the underside of Maximus, and then we've got some more flipping action. Somehow Maximus is rightside up again, and here comes Toro for the kill. Toro goes right over Maximus and ends up upside down in the middle of the box. I'd say that being a lifting arm, Toro can probably self right, and there you go. Now he's mad and there goes Maximus flipped and thrown across the box again, and there's Maximus in the corner, and there's Maximus in the spikes, and there's Maximus flipped, and there's Maximus driven over the spikes. Finally, Maximus decides he prefers the killsaws to Toro's abuse so he goes over and sits on them. Oooh, aahh, pretty sparks. Now we've got more corner, spikes, and flips for Maximus, and time mercifully runs out. Game Over. Maximus is looking kind of unhappy at this point. 32-13 decision for Toro.


Ziggo vs. Death By Monkeys

Now we've got the lightweight semifinal with Ziggo vs Death by Monkeys. Death by Monkeys is a box with a monkey skull painted on the top and spikes on the front, although the spikes have been replaced by a bar for this fight.

OK RFT. All of a sudden I can't see the fight becuase my screen shrunk but I can see the words SEMI-FINAL real big on the side of the screen. You know, I swore I just heard it announced clear as day that this was a semi-final, I mean, have people forgotten already? Then I remember that I once heard that MTV didn't show as many videos anymore because the kids didn't have the attention span to sit through the entire video, and my word, what is this planet coming to... it's coming to a massive SEMI-FINAL scrolling down the screen. Then the producers attention span must have run out because now we've got the full screen back. So we've got Ziggo spinning at full speed and Death by Monkeys advancing with trepidation. Then we've got a hit and I think something other than the bots went flying, but it looks like both bots have got all their important parts. Oh dear, Ziggo is looking a little tipsy, and then Ziggo is looking a lot tipsy, and it looks like the laws of physics are rearing their ugly head. We've got Ziggo sideways again, and Death By Monkeys is sitting on the sideline watching the whole thing, waiting for Ziggo to pull his weeble imitation and right himself. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if a bot just went totally full speed and smashed into Ziggo while he was spinning sideways, but we're not going to see that right now because Ziggo is back upright again. A lot of nothing is going on. We've got a couple Ziggo hits on Death By Monkeys' front bar, and now Ziggo is kind of stopped again. This would be a very opportune time to hit him. Hello, is anyone home over there at Death By Monkeys? Then we get a close up of Death By Monkeys, we see that there could be a problem here. There are monkey parts sitting on the floor right in front of it, looking like broken teeth spit out after a good uppercut to the jaw. We've got a lurch from Death By Monkeys, and look, Death By Monkeys' wheels are exposed to Ziggo and didn't Team Ziggy say something about hitting him in the wheels in the pre-race banter? I'm wondering whether they just film the builders going "well if I just can get at his wheels" AND "if I can just get under his wedge" AND "if I can just hit that 3 inch piece of metal behind his ear that will totally disable the bot", and so on until every possibility is covered, then play back the appropriate three seconds before the fight begins. So Death By Monkeys lurches again so that the front bar is facing Ziggo and Ziggo obliges with the hit, and Death By Monkeys is really just kind of dead with his butt end sticking out towards Ziggo. Ziggo obliges with another hit and then goes to victory dance. Death By Monkeys sits in the corner looking really pathetic. Game Over.


Minion vs. No Apology

OK now we've got super-heavyweight Minion vs. No Apology. Minion looks like a wedge-shaped earth mover with a spinning wheel in the back. No Apology looks like a flimsy metal box with a flimsy spike arm. No Apology's builders comment that it's going to be tough but that you're looking at the new number one bot, and if I was a Minion fan I would not be very happy now that they chose that particular 3 seconds of verbiage to air.

OK RFT. Immediately Minion turns ass-end forward and comes at No Apology with the wheel. Grinding sounds, sparks. More grinding, sparks. No Apology's spike arm is hidden inside its shell. Good thing, because it'd be gone by now if it wasn't. Wait, here's the arm making its first appearance and it would have been more effective if it had hit Minion, but I digress. We've got more clumsy positioning and now we've got No Apology against the side of Minion. Pow! There goes No Apology's spike arm coming in from the side and Ouch! right into Minion's gut. No Apology tries to get its spike arm out of Minion, but it's Stuck with a capital S. Now No Apology is dragging Minion around on the spike arm, but the arm just ain't gonna come out of that lexan. So No Apology drags Minion over the killsaws just because he can, and Minion sits there, impaled on the spike while the killsaws take out his tires. I see a really pathetic looking black metal piece trying to inflict damage on No Apology but I don't think that black metal piece could even knock Ziggo off balance. No Apology becomes bored with the killsaws and drags Minion over to the yellow spot just because he can, and sits, and waits, and waits, and Pete must be off having a Snickers or something because the hammer is seriously motionless. Finally we get this totally weak hammer hit and Minion taps out and that's all they wrote folks. Game Over. In the post-fight interview we find out that the spike hit this inch wide receiver inside Minion and that's what did him in. I guess they couldn't show the No Apology guys saying "Well I think we can take him out if we can just get the spike to hit one-inch diameter receiver that's under the protective lexan" in the pre-race babble because that would have been too obvious.


Hammertime vs. The Judge

Now we have Hammertime vs The Judge. The Judge is a clear box with a hammer. Hammertime is an oversized rooster with a hammer.

OK, RFT. Hammertime flies across the box, smacks head on into The Judge, goes flying a few feet, then activates his hammer directly into the floor. I can't see whether the floor shows damage. Then we have the two bots next to each other, and then Hammertime drives away and The Judge activates his hammer directly into the floor. Then we have The Judge connect with the metal cockscomb on the back of Hammertime and bend it a bit, then we have The Judge activate his hammer three times into the floor. Although I have to admit, that last time Hammertime was within theoretical striking range of The Judge's hammer. Then we have Hammertime ram The Judge head on and The Judge activates his hammer directly into the hammer arm of Hammertime. For a bot named Hammertime, we're really not seeing a lot of hammer action. The Judge smacks the side of Hammertime with his hammer, causing Hammertime's hammer to have a reflexive reaction right into the floor. The Judge comes over and smashes the crap out of a now very tenderized Hammertime, It looks like one of the first hits must have taken out Hammertime's drive motor because even a masochistbot like Pyramidroid wouldn't take this kind of abuse. Hammertime makes a couple pitiful swipes with the hammer while The Judge is sitting 20 feet away at the other end of the box, Game Over.


Ziggo vs. Big B

Now we're going to see the lightweight final. Big B is a simple wedge with an impressive 7-0 record. So why haven't we heard about him before now!? We've got the previously unheard of Big B vs. the immensely unstable and highly flammable Ziggo. The announcers make a point to say that no bot has gone the distance with Ziggo this year. I guess Big B's going the distance.

OK RFT. Screen shrink with the big scrolling FINAL just in case we've forgotten since Mark Biero announced it 5 seconds before. Big B hunts down and smacks into Ziggo. Repeat 50 times, throw in a good pulverizer hit and some faceplate damage to Big B and a few killsaw hits to Ziggo. By the end of the fight we've got Big B pushing Ziggo over the hazards. Buzzer sounds, Game Over. Well, what do you know, Big B went the distance. Here's the decision, I'm just feeling that nut being pulled to Big B for excessive hits to his opponent....24-21 for Ziggo. I'm going into the medicine cabinet for a good hit of strychnine. Now we get 5 seconds of the lightweight championship presentation which basically consists of a woman whose garments are too short handing the nut to Team Ziggy. Show Over.