Now we've got Son of Whyachi vs Swirlee
Son of Whyachi is a stompbot with deadly spinning hammers that looks kind of like a
miniature amusement park ride. Swirlee is a big flat spin bot that made Eradicator go all on fire.
OK, RFT. Uh oh, Son of Whyachi remembers a past life as a helicopter, but unfortunately he's a
stompbot in this life and stompbots really should not be airborne. Son of Whyachi craters into the
screw casing, then bounces around near the pulverizer, perhaps remembering a past life as a
pogo stick. Now it looks like Son of Whyachi isn't remembering anything, in fact it looks
like he has moved onto his next life, maybe we'll see him turn up in a grocery store somewhere
as a meat grinder. OK back to the fight. Here comes Swirlee with a hit on Son of Whyachi just
because he can, and unless Son of Whyachi becomes the first zombiebot I think he's just kind of
going to stay right where he is. Here's Swirlee sticking Son of Whyachi under the pulverizer just
because he can, and the pulverizer proves beyond reasonable doubt that yes, Son of Whyachi is
really dead. Game Over. The explanation for the horrifying demise of Son of Whyachi is that his
team, the only loving family he's ever known, lifted his hammers. You would think that they had to
do so much testing to make that bot stable in the first place that they'd know exactly what the
height tolerance is before everything goes all helicopter city, and why did they lift the hammers
anyway? Is there something threatening about Swirlee that I'm missing? Do I need some of the pink
liquid from the medicine cabinet to understand this? Anyway the Swirlee folks let out their breath
and maybe we should get them some oxygen while we're at it. Maybe they should go off and thank
their deity of choice because Boy They Got Lucky.
Towering Inferno vs. Mechavore
Now we've got Towering Inferno vs. Mechavore.
Towering Inferno is a bot for the special bus if I ever saw one. Two big hollow flying
saucers with some hammers or something on them, connected in the middle like an inflated barbell
or something. I'm really just not understanding these bots today, maybe I should go back to the
medicine cabinet again and take some purple things. Here's Mechavore a big blimp of a bot with a
horizontal cutting wheel. Here's the Towering Inferno builder saying something about Towering
Inferno being able to take out Mechavore with a lucky shot and I'm having a hard time suspending
disbelief.
OK RFT. We've got the announcers wondering whether Towering Inferno's hammers can hold up to the
deadly blade of Mechavore. About 3 milliseconds into the fight we all find out the answer because
Mechavore's blade has already removed one of them. Mechavore gets in another good hit with the blade
and suddenly everyone is suprised that there's Towering Inferno parts scattered everywhere.
Towering Inferno suddenly hallucinates and mistakes Mechavore for a croquet wicket and smashes his
parts over in that general direction. Well now what should Mechavore do? Gee, there's a piece of
Towering Inferno RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Mechavore takes the cheap shot, and the Towering Inferno
piece goes careening back into Towering Inferno! I have to admit that was a good one.
Now Mechavore notices the partially disabled barbell flailing in the corner and goes to put a
hit on it because there's really not much else for him to do at this point. He makes the hit,
and goes flying directly into the screw! That was not a love tap, that hadda hurt.
Then we get a real love tap on Towering Inferno from Mechavore and then Mechavore does the
victory spin thing. Game Over, let's pack it up folks.
Afterthought vs. Slap 'Em Silly
Now we've got Afterthought, who smells like exit 13 on the turnpike and looks like a mobile version
of the spinning wheels at the shore where you win rejects from the Chinese toy production plants.
Actually, I shouldn't harp on these wheels of chance that are engineered to separate you from
your money. I won one of my most prized possessions, a stuffed bear mascot from the boycotted
1980 Moscow Olympics, from one of these wheels. Afterthought's wheel spins at 200 rpm. Yup.
And we've got Slap 'Em Silly, the Ebay bot, last seen in the previous week's episode.
OK, RFT. Three seconds pass and Slap 'Em Silly's got Afterthought in the screw. Needless to say,
the boardwalk wheel of chance is really not that effective of a weapon, although I have
to give it credit for still spinning after being smushed into the screw. Here's another screw smush
and then Afterthough drives himself over the killsaws. You know, with that antenna sticking out the
back, Afterthought looks a little bit like a cat. Must be a persian. Persians are dumb lumps of
fur. They're the poster children for the inactive cat. Their owners make their cages really
scary at cat shows. Not only that, they're bred to have the flattest faces possible. Pretend your
nose suddenly went flat. You'd have some respiratory problems, no? Well, you're better than a
persian cat, persian cats have respiratory problems. Maybe that's why they sit in the corner all
day. OK, back to the fight. When we last left you, Afterthought had driven himself on the killsaws,
which now take out the back skirt. Now Afterthought is under the pulverizer and a small piece goes
flying from somewhere. More Afterthought killsaw action and there goes the right skirt.
I'm starting to smell sickness on the horizon...yup, it takes the announcers about three seconds
to start clamoring for the left skirt to come off so the bot will be naked. Excuse me, I need
one of the green things from the medicine cabinet. The killsaws finally take off the left skirt
and the announcer explodes "nude bots nude bots nude bots in the box!" and I revisit the medicine
cabinet for some of that blue stuff. Someone please put me out of my misery if bot porn hits your
local video pit. The announcers blubber on about this being rated R, yeah right, the last time I
heard of something naked getting hammered with a wedge I think it was the Frontline special on "Porn
in America". Maybe it's a good thing this show airs at 10pm. As we return to the fight, the naked
Afterthought is being a good sport and takes a hit from the pulverizer, although I have to give it
credit that at least the blade is spinning. Oh no, Afterthought just got flipped so now we've got
the announcer telling us that there's "something naked on its back" in the box and I've just made
my third trip to the medicine cabinet. Now we've got the inverted Afterthought in the general
vicinity of the hammer and really folks, I think we can call this one now. But no, Slap Him
Silly's gotta keep pushing this pathetic, naked, inverted, beaten bot under the hammer, taking
a few blows himself. (Isn't there another round he should be saving himself for?) Now what happens
when you get an inverted bot near the pulverizer? All together now, it gets pounded and FLIPPED
RIGHTSIDE UP! Oy vey, please let this be over already. Now Slap 'Em Silly impales Afterthought
on one of the spikes, and no, it's not over yet, he's got to slam Afterthought again. Ok,
all together, what happens when you put a hit on a stuck bot? IT BECOMES UNSTUCK! Mercifully,
the clock now reads :05 and excuse me while go to back to the bathroom and chug Drano.
Carnage Raptor vs. Whirlygig
Now we've got the nifty bot Carnage Raptor vs Whirlygig. Carnage Raptor is two wheels with a
axe. Whirlygig is two wheels and two hammer/maces. We've got a fight between two thwackbots,
better go take your Dramamine now because I suspect we'll see alot of useless spinning here.
OK, RFT. Whirlygig spins and stops, Carnage Raptor spins and stops, Whirlygig spins, Carnage
Raptor spins, now we've got two spinning bots, each out of range of the others weapons. Hey, it's
just like pairs ice skating. Judges scores: 5.6, 5.6, 5.8. I actually thought about this, and it
seems like Carnage Raptor could use his weapon to do something bad even if he wasn't spinning,
whereas Whirlygig has got to be spinning to be effective. Hmm.... do I detect an advantage?
Oh wait, Carnage Raptor scoops up Whirlygig with the axe and puts him on the killsaws. Whirlygig
looks like he's starting to get dizzy because now he drives himself over the killsaws.
Carnage Raptor watches intently. Whirlygig is spinning and it sounds like the hammer/maces
are hitting Carnage Raptor, but I'm not seeing Carnage Raptor taking damage, or flinching for all
that matter. The commentator mentions that Carnage Raptor is driving carefully, while I have vague
memories that last year Carnage Raptor drove his axe under the screw and got stuck. Team Raptor
shows that they don't make the same mistake twice. Oh my! Carnage Raptor has got Whirlygig up on
the axe again, let me guess, the pulverizer! The pulverizer gets a good hit on Whirlygig who must
be seeing stars at this point because he's not driving all that well. Now Carnage Raptor has got
Whirlygig back on the killsaws and it's pretty amazing that he's got Whirlygig on the saw without
getting himself there too. Here's the pulverizer again. There's whirlygig being carried to it again.
There's a good hit smack on the wheel by the pulverizer, looks like Whirlygig is toast. Wait, more
pulverizer, and Whirlygig is croutons. I think I'm hearing someone say "tap out" in the background.
Pulverizer continues the onslaught and Whirlygig is bread crumbs. I'm think I'm hearing someone
scream "tap out" in the background. Relentless pulverizer, and Whirlygig is now talcum powder.
That crazy Pete Lambertson, he's not going to be satisfied until Whirlygig is disintigrated into
component atoms. Game Over. Get the vacuum out for Whirlygig.
Atomic Wedgie vs. Ogre
Now Atomic Wedgie vs. Ogre. Atomic Wedgie, guess what it's a wedge. With a vertical saw on the back this year.
The introduction, and wait! There's a battle basher on the floor in front of Atomic Wedgie.
It's Backlash! No wait, the body looks too big, and there's a mushroom cloud on the front.
Oh my! It looks like the Atomic Wedgie battle basher has somehow been retrofitted with the
Backlash blade. Ooh, a mutant battle basher (but not a mutant robot, it is not nearly as cool or
bad-ass as a mutant robot).
Ogre is flat, with metal fangs on the front. Looks like he can run inverted.
OK RFT. We're off, bots bash, Atomic Wedgie gets in a hit with the blade. Wait, I can see into
Atomic Wedgie. It doesn't have a back anymore! Must be the the sacrifice they made for the
blade. I guess they're expecting the blade will save them, and god help them if that blade broke.
This bot is Vladiator's dream opponent with that spike of his and everything.
Atomic Wedgie is now stuck under the spikes, blade facing out. What does Ogre do? Runs directly
into the blade! Not only damaging himself but freeing Atomic Wedgie! Why do I think this was not
the most intelligent move? Oh wait, Atomic Wedgie has got a bad tread. Turning in circles.
Oh, the end must be near, my goodness why do people make bots with treads? Atomic Wedgie under
the pulverizer. Wait now Ogre's under it, now Wedgie, now Ogre...hey, Ogre is scoring points for
Atomic Wedgie! Ogre takes some hits from the blade. Why? Now Wedgie is back under the pulverizer,
now Ogre again. Geez louise, if you're gonna have fun you should take out the spinning blade first
or at least avoid the pulverizer. Ogre manages not to take himself out. Game Over.
Phrizbee vs. Hexadecimator
Now we've got Phrizbee vs Hexadecimator. Phrizbee is a black cylinder spinbot.
Hexadecimator is this trapezoidal thing that looks like it's right off a star trek original series
set. You know, with a couple pizzas poured on him he could be the Horta. Oh yeah, Hexy has a
lifting arm. Phrizbee has some battle damage.
OK, RFT. Hexy takes a pounding from Phrizbee and suddenly we're all slam cam. Stop! AAAHHH!
Thank you. Phrizbee is putting some major hits on Hexy. Hexy looks like he's got synch problems.
He gets his arm under Phrizbee, Phrizbee drives off, then Hexy lifts his arm two seconds later.
Ooof. We're all slam cam again. We get to see Phrizbee go over the killsaws in slam cam vision.
Joy, we need a bot cam for this. Thankfully back to normal now. More hits on Hexy by Phrizbee, more
sparks, finally some metal goes flying from Hexy, and ooh, that's gotta hurt. Wait, what is this?
Phrizbee stops spinning, and drives right onto Hexy's lifting arm! Does he have sudden delusions
of invertability? Oy! The inevitable! Flip. Now we have Phrizbee upside down spinning to oblivion
and Hexy spinning a victory dance. Game Over.
Omega-13 vs. The Matador
Now we've got the highly flat and invertable Omega-13 vs. the highly flippered Matador. Let me
just take some time to mention that the Matador is really just not my favorite robot, and the fact
that my favorite cool robot just happens to be in his weight division has nothing to do with this
decision.
OK, RFT. We've got Omega-13 scurrying around on the floor like a cockroach,
putting numerous hits on the Matador. Matador tries to flip Omega-13 but does nothing but rear
up on his back wheels and smoke. Oooh, Omega-13 slams Matador into the wall. Oooh Matador takes
a hit from the saws! Omega-13 puts some more hits on Matador, and some more spins.
Omega-13 has got a lot of spunk for such a little thing vs. big ol' Matador. Matador drives up onto
the spikes seemingly trying to remember where he is. Matador collects his wits and finally puts a
flip on Omega-13. Hey a double gainer! No problem for Omega-13. Being highly invertable. he comes
right back at Matador and right back onto the flipping arm. Only a single flip this time. but he
ends up right on the yellow dot. Pow. OK, Omega-13 is back for more abuse. And ends up right on
the flipper again and this time it's a triple lutz! Send this bot to Salt Lake City. Omega-13 has
somehow formed a bond between himself and Matador's flipper because there he is on it again! And
airborne! Omega-13 is scrappy and continues to put up a fight. Omega-13 ends up on the killsaws.
Fireworks. Runs away. Ends up on the saws again. More fireworks. Another double somersault
courtesy of the Matador. Game Over. Judges? 25-20 for the Matador. I guess they liked the 5 flips
better than the couple dozen Omega-13 hits.
