We'll start with Surgeon General vs. Frostbite.
Surgeon General is a wedge with a horizontal cutting blade and pointy blade-like things on the side.
Frostbite is a flatbot with weird screw things on the front and spikes out his wheels, and supposedly
there's farm equipment in him. He's supposed to be based on a harvester or some other
large piece of dangerous machinery.
OK it's Robot Fighting Time. Surgeon General starts by running away from Frostbite. I don't know
why, is his spinning blade that crappy? OK, that's why he's running, his blade truly is
crappy and he explodes on contact with Frostbite. All of a sudden, the spinning blade has a
life of its
own. Let me say it makes a fine top and it's more fun to watch the spinning blade than it was to
the bot together in the first place. Surgeon General is supposedly still moving but all I see are
the wheels spinning. It looks like Frostbite can't move either, geez louise, you think he'd be
able to take advantage when his opponent explodes. OK, now I see why they're saying Surgeon
General is still
moving. The blade/top is still rotating on the floor and now approaches the bots. The blade/top looks like it's going
to make a move and it appears more aggressive by itself than Surgeon General as a whole. Wait,
I must have unknowingly been slipped some acid or something because I swear the bots were firmly stuck
together with the spinning blade/top moving and now, instantaneously, the bots are apart and the blade/top is stopped.
Now Surgeon General is truly moving and motoring around and stuffs Frostbite into the dead blade/top.
Looks like we've got wheels amputated from Frostbite and oh boy, now he's on top of the killsaws.
I guess we needed to get some action here or something, but maybe it would be more effective if the side of Frostbite that
still has the wheels was over the saws. OK, there's a comment from the announcers that the wheels
are missing, I must have unknowingly been slipped some magic mushrooms because I swear I see
one sitting right in the middle of the box. Now Frostbite is really dead, and Surgeon General is doing
the victory spin. Game Over. I really don't know why he's celebrating, his bot is exploded and
does not look in any condition to fight in the next round. Now we've got the commentators babbling
about how this was a fight between the horizontal and vertical blade and the the vertical won but
I must have unknowlingly been slipped some crack because I could swear the the blade that won was horizontal.
Hazard vs. Timmy
Now we've got Hazard vs. Timmy. We all know that Hazard is a flatbot with an unbeatable
spinning blade. Timmy is a generic wedge and the announcers are spewing something about avoiding
the crushing blows of Timmy... but with what? I must have unknowingly been slipped crack again because
I swear I'm not seeing a pounding weapon. In fact, I'm not seeing a weapon at all.
OK, RFT. Hazard smacks Timmy with the blade and dents him a little. Now Hazard is under Timmy and
is pushing him around into the wall and stuff, all the time with the commentators blathering about this being Timmy's
strategy to get his face mauled. What is this, the first wussbot?
OK, Hazard finally gets sick of this and goes in and smacks wussbot Timmy's face off. I mean
come on, if you're a wussbot, you inherently have "kick me now" tattooed in a number of places on
your body. Now Timmy's
tail is off and what was I saying about "kick me now"? Here's a close up shot of a bent
piece of metal, yup, that's a piece of Timmy. Are we waiting for it to spontaneously generate life?
Now all there really is left to hit on Timmy is the wheels, and there's Hazard with a
shot to the wheels. There's wussbot Timmy under the pulverizer, and oh boy, like Timmy getting
the pulverizer is entertainment at this point. Timmy is now completely stopped. Hazard is bored
and is now pushing around the bent piece of metal that was once part of wussbot Timmy, possibly
trying to spontaneously generate life in this fight. Timmy is counted out. Game Over, and
the announcers make sure to inform us that this was another
great win for
Tony. Let me tell you that watching a champion bot trouncing a wussbot must fill the announcers
with a great sense of accomplishment.
Short Order Chef vs. T-Minus
Now we've got Short Order Chef vs. T-Minus.
Short Order Chef is a lopped off pyramid with a spatula for a lifting tool (why don't I think
that a spatula is a particularly effective weapon in the Battle Box). T-Minus is a cute little
box with a lifting arm, and killer 540 flips. He also has evil older brothers who are kind of not my favorite
OK RFT. The two bots are looking at each other and looking at each other and now they're doing the
tango. Now they're apart again, and T-Minus blows a mighty lift. Too bad Short Order Chef is
on the other side of the box, playing with his spatula. OK, T-Minus learns to put the lifting arm under
Short Order Chef and....does a mighty back flip straight to an inversion! An inverted T-Minus can
only mean one thing. Here comes the 540...slick! Oof! T-Minus lands squarely on the back of Short Order
Chef, that hadda hurt. Judges marks: 9.25. OK, we've got T-Minus going for the gusto again,
right onto his side, then his back, then the 540, and makes a nearly perfect landing onto the floor!
Judges marks: 9.975, this is some great gymnastics action. Finally, T-Minus gets in a solid
Short Order Chef flip, which sends Short Order Chef flying onto his back. It looks like Short
Order Chef's seconds are numbered because I find it difficult to believe that
he's going to reinvert himself with that spatula. OK, the announcers are foaming at the
mouth for T-Minus to flip Short Order Chef back onto his feet, but T-Minus instead delivers lunch to the killsaws.
Now Short Order Chef looks like a turtle with his hind legs paralyzed and will somebody
puh-leeze put him out of his misery. T-Minus thankfully declines to continue this debacle and
goes into the victory spin. Game Over.
Slap 'Em Silly vs. Catbot
Now we've got Slap 'Em Silly, vs Mouser Super-Ultra Mega-Classic Mecha-Catbot, or whatever name
he's going by these days. God, what a stupid and ineffective retardobot! And I'm a cat person!
Slap 'Em Silly is a flatbot with a spike that used to be called the Patriot until his previous owner cruely
abandoned him on Ebay. Catbot is a pink mound painted to look like a cat, with a weak-looking
lifting arm and a tail.
OK RFT. Slap 'Em Silly immediately goes on top of the Catbot. Catbot goes for a lift,
while Slap 'Em Silly simply drives
away. Maybe we should try that again. There's the Catbot tail trying to go for some tapping damage,
too bad the floor is such a formidable opponent. Finally Slap 'Em Silly is humoring Catbot,
allowing several taps to land on his back. I think Slap 'Em Silly is getting bored.
There's a total non-lift by Catbot, and the
announcers make sure to point out that there might be a dent on the top of Slap 'Em Silly.
OK, we've got Slap 'Em Silly humping Catbot, and Catbot delivering some tapping action, and this is
really getting kind of weird. Wait, there might be another dent in Slap 'Em Silly!
While we're distracted by this unspeakable destruction, Slap 'Em Silly is moving Catbot closer
to the killsaws. Killsaws vs the Catbot tail, which form of torture would you take?
More humping and tapping, and yes, this is definitely weird. Maybe we should go get them
a room or something. Catbot chooses the killsaws as his torture and goes and drives right over to them.
Slap 'Em Silly just can't stay away from Catbot though, and we've got some more humps.
Catbot decides he likes the killsaw action better than the Slap 'Em Silly action, so he heads back
over there, but now we've got Slap 'Em Silly back on top of him. Let me guess, the tapping has
started again as a reflexive reaction to Slap 'Em Silly's humping. Catbot decides to blow this scene again!
Back to the killsaws, and this time Catbot makes
sure to send some metal flying across the box. I wish he'd just stop with that stupid lifting arm
because it's lifting regardless of the location of Slap 'Em Silly. Slap 'Em Silly is now pushing Catbot on
the killsaws, and gets himself a good shot as well. Both go flying but I believe Slap 'Em Silly
has got the marks for artistry here. OK, Slap 'Em Silly has got the spike in the rear of Catbot,
which of course results in continued tapping action. Oh no! This three minutes of excitement is coming to an end!
Game Over. Judges decision goes to Slap 'Em Silly.
El Diablo Grande vs. Slam Job
Now we've got El Diablo Grande vs. Slam Job. El Diablo Grande is all big tread (I like to think of
any tread as the ultimate killsaw magnet), drum, and lots of spikes. Slam Job is a weird pyramid
shaped thing that looks like it's straight from the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.
OK, RFT. They don't waste any time, they crash right into each other and I'm not seeing any damage.
Yikes, El Diablo Grande is under the skirt of Slam Job. What is it with these weird bot mating
rituals all of a sudden? El Diablo Grande is sitting right on top the killsaws, and now he's
squishing his butt into the killsaws. This might not be the smartest thing for a treaded bot to
do. El Diablo Grande finally gets a killsaw hit to the butt, boy that took enough time. Now Slam Job
has got the spike out. Supposedly things are heating up but they're showing a close up of the
kid driver on the sideline, and personally I think that kid's braces
are scarier than either bot in the ring right now. OK, Slam Job gets some spike action going
in numerous available spots on El Diablo Grande. Here they come slamming into the wall and
let me say I'm melding with the couch over here in TV viewer land. The announcers seem to be
trembling with excitement though, blurting things like "That's what I like, big strong bots pushing
each other around" and you know it just doesn't seem like things are really quite right here.
So we get some more ineffectual slamming, and finally Slam Job gets El Diablo Grande to the killsaws
again. Pete obliges by putting some action in this fight, and oh dear, El Diablo Grande
now has some major tread shredage. Horrors! I guess that's what happens when you put yer butt on the
killsaws too often. Announcers droning that "El Diablo Grande is in serious trouble". No, tell me it's
not so. What do you expect when you're all big tread!? Now if your tread was completely hosed, where is the first
place your gonna drag your sorry ass? That's absolutely right! The killsaws! Now we've really got El Diablo Grande on the
killsaws, tread totally gone on the left side, parts everywhere, and the final disgrace out of
the mouths of the mighty announcers "This is almost disgusting". Almost? Game Over, Slam Job
M.O.E. vs. Pyramidroid
Now it's M.O.E. vs Pyramidroid, and is it just me or does the M.O.E dude look possessed?
M.O.E.'s a wheeled box with a ditch cutter. Pyramidroid is a lopped pyramid with no weapon.
Boy, this looks like a barrel of fun. What is it with these pyramids trying to drag an opponent
over the hazards?
OK RFT. For five seconds it looks like the "drag the opponent to hazard" stategy actually might be
effective, then reality sets in along with the ditch cutter. Oh metal everywhere, it's shop class hell!
Now Pyramidroid is playing masochistbot sitting there taking the punishment. Thankfully,
Game Over real fast. Victory to M.O.E.
El Diablo vs. Turtle Road Kill
Now it's the little El Diablo, who's got big killsaw magnet, I mean tread, drum, and not as many spikes as his older brother.
Turtle Road Kill looks like a big frost heave.
ALL OF A SUDDEN WE'VE ENTERED AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE SLAM JOB AND NIGHTMARE ARE FIGHTING...
either that or I've eaten something nasty from the medicine cabinet, but I haven't even been to the
medicine cabinet yet during this fight....WAIT NOW WE'RE BACK TO ROBOT FIGHTING TIME WITH EL
DIABLO AND TURTLE ROAD KILL...my head is spinning, oh this is all just too confusing.
Now we've got some smashing of robots, and I am really not clear on Turtle Road Kill's strategy.
Perhaps a weapon would make things clearer. OK, they're eyeing each other, they're
slamming, and Turtle Road Kill goes over the killsaws, finally injecting sparks into the fight.
Ooh, ahh, pretty. More looking, a few slams, yawn. Turtle Road Kill drives himself under the
pulverizer. Turtle Road Kill drives over the killsaws. It looks like he's drawn to the hazards
like cats to your keyboard. OK, more pulverizer and and more and more, and geez, it's like there's a sinkhole on
the floor near that yellow spot. Game Over, El Diablo advances to the next round, Turtle Road
Kill gets paved over the next time the road crews come around.