List of fights in this episode:
  1. Ziggo vs. Serial Box Killer
  2. Swirlee vs. Eradicator
  3. Maximus vs. Pharmapac
  4. Toe Crusher vs. Low Blow
  5. Malvolio vs. Bad Attitude
  6. Little Sister vs. Bender
  7. Tentoumushi 7.0 vs. Wedge of Doom
 


Ah. The last episode review of Season 4.0. I started with episode 3 and have come full circle. If for some reason you're new to these reviews, and are reading them in order, you'll notice a big disconnect between this review for episode 2 and the next review for episode 3. The episode 3 review was the first one I wrote. It sucks. Considering the quality of the other 9 reviews, that's exceptional suck. Maybe you might want to consider skipping to episode 4. Also, I didn't adopt my arbitrary gender assignment scheme until episode 8, so all of a sudden all of the bots are going to go male, and then half of them will flip back female. Whatever. Read on at your own risk.


Ziggo vs. Serial Box Killer

Ziggo is still the inverted wok. Serial Box Killer is a generic blue box with 4 wheels and Tony the Tiger painted on the top (Kellogg's product placement in Battlebots?). There's this long metal wishbone shaped spike of some sort for Serial Box Killer to use as a weapon.

OK, RFT. Serial Box Killer comes straight out of the blue square towards Ziggo, who is busy spinning up to speed. Ziggo nonchalantly moves out of the way and Serial Box Killer runs himself directly into the screw casing. Ooof. Serial Box Killer starts up on the offensive and touches Ziggo with the wishbone spike. This sends both bots flying away from each other. Serial Box Killer comes back with the spike before Ziggo can get spun to speed. Ziggo runs away into the waiting arms of the killsaws. Serial Box Killer is back again with that spike. Collision, both bots fly a bit again. Serial Box Killer, being the scrappy sort, comes right back for more abuse. This next hit turns the spike into a macrame knot. The hit after that separates the macrame knot from Serial Box Killer. Serial Box Killer is getting major Ziggo hits without the spike to absorb the pain. Serial Box Killer is starting to look very injured. Ziggo aims and follow through with several precision hits. I call Serial Box Killer in the corner pocket. Ziggo comes up to Serial Box Killer, examines the lay of the land, considers his shot, looks some more, aims, and... Serial Box Killer to the corner pocket! I win! So does Ziggo, as Serial Box Killer dies in the corner and we move to Game Over.


Swirlee vs. Eradictor

Swirlee is a big, big, silver metal spinbot that reminds me of an oversized single hamburger, with the meat replaced by a spinning horizontal blade with a few sizable teeth. Eradicator is a box with some wheels, and this thing on the top that kind of looks like a funny car motor, and these huge rubber looking square fins that look kind of like the type of heat sink you might put on a toaster oven, if for some reason you were into that type of thing.

OK, RFT. Swirlee spins to speed while Eradicator comes straight across the box at her. As Eradicator travels across the box, I spy the horizontal cutting blade on her backside. Swirlee is up to speed by the time Eradicator gets there, but Eradicator seems to be able to run into Swirlee and stop the blade without taking too much damage, at least for now. OK, we've got Eradicator putting more hits on Swirlee with the rubber fin things that I still am having trouble figuring out exactly what they do. It looks like little Eradicator marbles are being generated somehow by Swirlee's blade, but I can't really figure out the source, maybe the armor over the wheels. Now we've got Swirlee sitting there while Eradicator shows symptoms of nasty wheel. I'm not seeing any obvious wheel damage though, so it appears the affliction has bypassed the wheels and gone straight for the drivetrain. Hmmm. Must be a particularly virulent strain. So we've got Eradicator rocking in place, while Swirlee takes a really long time to finally put the hit on her. Smash. I see an Eradicator part go flying. Swirlee pays a social visit to the killsaws and then puts a few hits on the cutting blade side of Eradicator. Now Eradicator is spinning around all dizzy, and stumbles over the killsaws. Spectacular spark display. Ooh aah. Taking a close look at the top of Eradicator, we see the top armor all akilter. I'm seeing smoke now, and it appears to be emanating from the current location of Eradicator. Announcers are foaming for some flames, and just now seem to be noticing that Eradicator is completely flailing around. Swirlee is in the general area of the flailing Eradicator and oh boy. Eradicator has gone all volcano on us. We've got major flamage under the hood. Everyone thinks this is highly entertaining. Both sets of builders, the spectators, the announcers, and the TV audience have a few guffaws until the Battlebots stage crew storms into the battlebox with a fire extinguisher. What I immediately notice is that they're in there with the extinguisher before Swirlee has completely spun down her blade. I sense that this is somehow dangerous, and I think we're very lucky that someone didn't lose an eye. Game Over. Final shot of Eradicator all covered in foam.


Maximus vs. Pharmapac

Maximus is a drab gray metal box with four wheels, with an even more drab gray wedge-shaped snout attached to the front. Pharmapac is a black metal box with a snowplow shaped front and a lifting arm.

OK, RFT. We've got some bot tango, then Pharmapac is under Maximus, then Maximus is spinning, then Pharmapac surfs the killsaws. Pharmapac lifts some air before managing to get the arm under Maximus' snout. Pharmapac gets the front of Maximus off the floor in an underwhelming lift. Now we've got Pharmapac all under Maximus. I guess the killsaws ordered out Maximus buffet or something because we've got Pharmapac making the delivery. Screeech. The saw hit pushes Maximus off of Pharmapac's lifting arm, then Maximus manages to spin around and drive himself under the pulverizer. Pow. Pharmapac chases down Maximus and we've got a period of Pharmapac under Maximus, getting in major hits and lifts. Somehow, Maximus manages to get the wedge under Pharmapac's lifting arm and is able to push Pharmapac backwards into the spikes. Smush. Oooh. Looks like Pharmapac's lifting arm is kinda bent. Now we've got a bunch of pushing because Pharmapac's lifting arm is all Dilbert's tie shaped, rendering the arm and the snowplow useless. Maximus' wedge has been fairly useless right from the start. This is interesting. Pharmapac somehow gets piggyback on Maximus. Maximus backs into the wall, and Pharmapac slips off and directly into the spikes. Oof. Announcers are calling this a "backslap". Time runs out amongst a large amount of banging and pushing. Maximus does a victory spin, but to tell the truth, I see no clear winner in this fight. No one wins. Well, I guess that someone has to win. Let's go to the judges. 23-22 split decision for Maximus. It just doesn't get any closer than this.


Toe Crusher vs. Low Blow

Toe Crusher is Overkill's little brother. He looks kind of like a smaller version of Overkill with a different weapon. Basically two wheels, a small wedge, and a spike that looks like the kind of thing they use to hold railroad tracks together. Low Blow looks like a small flying saucer, but it's probably just an inverted wok. Unlike Ziggo, Low Blow does not spin.

OK RFT. Both bots come flying out of their squares and collide in the middle of the box. Nothing happens. Then we get an extended period of bot Fox Trot before Toe Crusher activates the spike into the floor while Low Blow engages in other activities about 10 feet away. OK, now we've got an extended period of bot Cha Cha. Now they're stopped, and Toe Crusher has an excellent opportunity to activate the spike directly into the center of Low Blow, but decides to continue tearing up the dance floor instead. We've got an extended period of bot Bossa Nova, then Toe Crusher activates the spike several times into the floor. He must be doing this to prove to the Battlebots administration that the spike really does not damage the battlebox floor. Really. I can't see any other reason for Toe Crusher to activate his weapon because Low Blow is nowhere to be seen. Otay...here's some actual action. Low Blow gets underneath Toe Crusher, and Toe Crusher goes all piggyback, and there must be some sort of cutting blade on top of Low Blow that I didn't see before because there's sparks everywhere from the underside of Toe Crusher. Toe Crusher spikes the floor a couple times then starts up a slow dance with Low Blow. This spotlight dance is punctuated by several bumps and taps. Low Blow steps on Toe Crusher's foot, causing Toe Crusher to back off quickly, taking a path directly over the killsaws. Screech. Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Toe Crusher takes a serious Whyachi flight clear across the battlebox courtesy of the saws. Hehe. That was cool. I'm going to watch that again. Screech. Wheeeeeeeeee! Fun! OK, after that 5 seconds of excitement we're back to Toe Crusher spinning and some heavier love taps between the bots. Ooh. Here's something almost interesting. Toe Crusher gets underneath Low Blow and starts pushing and Low Blow goes.....nowhere. Low Blow falls off of Toe Crusher's wedge before Toe Crusher reaches anywhere of importance. We go through a short period where nothing monumental happens and then Toe Crusher is under Low Blow again and succeeds in delivering Low Blow to the yellow spot. Pow! Pow! Pow! OK. Here is almost the stupidest move in Battlebots. Toe Crusher goes up on Low Blow's back while Low Blow is still smack on the yellow spot, but manages to extricate himself from the situation before the hammer falls. Pow! Pow! Low Blow takes major pulverizer hits. OK. Here is the stupidest move in Battlebots. Toe Crusher goes up on Low Blow's back while Low Blow is still smack on the yellow spot, but does not manage to extricate himself from the situation before the hammer falls. Pow! Super major pulverizer hit to Toe Crusher. Oh boy. That was really stupid. Toe Crusher lurches then just sits. And sits. That was really stupid. Toe Crusher appears terminal. That was really stupid. We've got a shot of Low Blow skittering back and forth on the floor while Toe Crusher remains motionless over by the screw. That was really stupid. Now we've got another shot of Low Blow, who appears to have now gone terminal as well. Camera lingers on the two bots being really still. Camera lingers on the concerned faces of the builders. Camera lingers especially long on Christian Carlberg, while my attention is drawn to the huge, oranged picture of my most favorite cool robot that is hanging on the wall behind him. Now we've got the count out to Game Over, and the match to Low Blow for remaining ambulatory the longest.


Malvolio vs. Bad Attitude

Malvolio is a shiny silver wedge, with this spinning arm mounted on the wedge as a weapon. The arm looks like a big baton that a twirler would use. Except that this baton has these pointy little hammers on the ends. It doesn't look very sturdy, in fact it already looks kind of bent. Bad Attitude is one of these parallelogram shaped wedges that looks and acts the same whether it's right side up or upside down. Bad Attitude's wedges are painted bright red. I'm also noticing that there are prism shaped blue pieces of metal on the non-wedge sides. Hmmm. Could it be that Bad Attitude once came to rest on one of those sides?

OK, RFT. Bad Attitude screams out of the blue square and smashes into Malvolio. Kapow! That hadda hurt. Now Malvolio puts a hit on Bad Attitude, but that doesn't look like that hurt as much as the killsaw surf that Bad Attitude takes immediately afterwards. Screech. OK, now the bots are driving around, and Malvolio stuffs himself into the spikes while Bad Attitude is like 50 feet away. Oof. Now Bad Attitude comes over towards the not-really-driving-with-great-skill Malvolio, and there's a collision. Clink! The collision leaves Malvolio on the saws, which Pete activates with reckless abandon. Malvolio gets very much tossed directly onto his head. Malvolio is a very much non-invertible bot. Oh this is unhappy. Bad Attitude quietly sits and looks at this sorry sight. Suddenly, Bad Attitude becomes very much interested in this sorry sight. Oh, shenanigans can't be very far away. Bad Attitude travels across the box, obviously preparing for an extended running start. Whooosh...WHAP! Ooh, what a hit. Ouch. Malvolio lands on his head again, directly on top of the killsaws. Of course, since Malvolio is still inverted, the only part of him in contact with the floor is that little baton. There isn't enough surface area for a major Screech, so Malvolio only goes dribbling a little bit away from the saw region. Bad Attitude comes back with a major hit that moves Malvolio very far away from the saw region. Clink! Bad Attitude nudges Malvolio towards the yellow spot. OK, we've got an inverted wedge under the pulverizer, what does that mean? Pow! Malvolio is back on his feet and ready for action! You know, I think that if you are a non-invertable bot and you end up on your head, the best thing you could do is somehow bribe your opponent into pushing you under the hammer. At least that's what I'd do, since I'm certainly not going to manage to drive myself out of such a situation. Anyhoo. Malvolio is up and has the baton spinning and immediately gets all aggressive and puts a hit on Bad Attitude. Bad Attitude ends up backing onto the killsaws, which conveniently pop up, and send Bad Attitude onto the pointy edge of his wedge. Bad Attitude pirouettes a bit then falls over on his side. The side that now has the blue prism shaped piece of metal on it. Bad Attitude is not stable on the prism and immediately falls over onto his back. I am now convinced that in some fight that was before my Battlebots time, Bad Attitude got stuck on his side. Now we've got Malvolio chasing Bad Attitude around the box, planting a few impressive hits. Bad Attitude gets a hit in on the side of Malvolio, but not too much more. Bad Attitude makes another date with the saws. Screeech. Just when we thought the tide was turning, we've got Bad Attitude with the wedge under Malvolio. Bad Attitude stuffs Malvolio into the screw with great force. Oof. Malvolio bounces off the screw and directly under the pulverizer. Pow! Malvolio drives away a bit then returns for more punishment. Pow! Malvolio is looking a bit dizzy at this point but manages to collect his wits and come chasing after Bad Attitude again. We've got a fairly decent head on collision and then some more chasing. Oh come on! After all this fighting, it looks like Malvolio's drivetrain has gone out for a donut. Could it at least have waited until after the fight?! This can't be Game Over fast enough at this point. OK, we've got Bad Attitude with the wind up, and the swoosh, and a screeching halt just before the collision! I can smell the rubber burning from here. Bad Attitude contemplates a bit, then puts a tender love tap on Malvolio. clink. Geez Louise. Bad Attitude backs up a bit and Whap! Oooh, Bad Attitude goes for the gusto after all. Whap! Whap! Bad Attitude stuffs Malvolio into the screw casing. Go Bad Attitude! Count out before Bad Attitude can take Malvolio to pieces. Game Over.


Little Sister vs. Bender

Little Sister is a British bot that's octagonal, and has a lifting arm, and is yellow, and has flowers on him. He comes with his own somewhat annoying little British kid. Bender is this kind of reverse wedge shaped box with wheels, and it looks like a stinger off the back. This is all irrelevant though, as Bender's main feature is the massive circular cutting blade with the enormous teeth that blots out the sun within about a three mile radius of the red square. Bender does not look invertible. Bil Dwyer makes sure to tell us that Bender does not like flippers. Little Sister is a flipper. 100% chance of Bender's mondo blade being in maximum contact with the Battlebox floor before the next three minutes are up.

OK RFT. Little Sister comes out of the blue square as Bender spins up the mondo blade in the red square. Little Sister drives harmlessly under the spinning blade and pushes Bender into the screw for an extended period of stuffage. Bender's blade does no damage to the screw during the 10 seconds of contact. Little Sister backs off a bit, and then stuffs Bender into the spikes. While Bender is hung up on the spikes, Little Sister gets the lifting arm under the reverse wedge, and wouldn't you know it. Bender is all belly up. The clock reads 2:42. Bender's blade stays motionless, in maximum contact with the floor, as the rest of the bot spins to oblivion, and Little Sister spins to victory. Game Over in 14 seconds. Wait. Little Sister tries to flip Bender back over. Nothing doing. Bender is just too well balanced on her back. Little Sister eventually gives up and goes back to victory spinning. Game Over in 26 seconds.


Tentoumushi 7.0 vs. Wedge of Doom

Tentoumushi 7.0 is a bot that has been around for a while. It's what they call a "smother bot". The idea is to "smother" your opponent and drag him to a hazard. The smothering part of Tentoumushi 7.0 is a big red ladybug sandbox. It's attached by a hinge to a couple wheels. I think that there's also a small cutting blade at the hinge. Builders seem to all foam over this bot. For the longest time, I thought that this was the stupidest bot of all time. I swore that it had to be Lisa Martin's history or something that made this bot popular. Then one day it hit me. The idea behind this bot is brilliant. It's the execution that's the problem. If I had even the slightest clue how to build a bot I'd make a smother bot. Except mine would be a heavyweight, or a superheavyweight. Instead of a red sandbox, I'd have a big metal clam shell. With spikes on the inside. Lots of spikes. When another bot got under the shell, I'd slam it down. Fast. Hard. All those spikes right through the opponent. Yup. I'd make an iron maiden on wheels. Anyway. I don't know how to build a bot. This is probably not even feasible. If it was feasible, it would probably be illegal because I bet the spikes would damage the battlebox floor. Anyway, it was fun to think about it for 5 minutes.

If you want to know about Wedge of Doom, read last weeks episode review. From the buildup for this fight, I guess that these two bots met last season. I guess that Wedge of Doom won.

OK RFT. We've got a shot of Lisa Martin with this new "punk" look. I grew up with punk back in the late 70's when punk was punk, and real punk rockers were exceptionally ugly, really poor, drug addled and hopeless. The clueless teenagers in middle-class New Jersey suburban high schools, myself included, were presentable, monied, straight-edged and bright futured. We'd go out and buy ourselves a Sex Pistols record, a Devo record, a Ramones record, and make ourselves "cool" with some spray hair color, a pair of glasses from Fiorucci, and a leather bracelet from the last time our parents took us to New York. We looked like a bunch of stupid poseurs. Lisa Martin looks like a late 70's wanna-be punk from North Jersey.

Back to robots. Wedge of Doom charges out of the blue square while Tentoumushi 7.0 raises the sandbox and spins around. Now we got Wedge of Doom terminally under Tentoumushi 7.0, and Tentoumushi 7.0 trying the smother and Wedge of Doom squirting our from underneath the sandbox. We've got both bots stuffing themselves into the spikes, and then Wedge of Doom gets under Tentoumushi 7.0 near the hammer, and the hammer grazes Tentoumushi 7.0 just enough to tip her backwards and onto the spikes. Tentoumushi 7.0 is stuck. There's talk of Wedge of Doom helping her out to tip back over. Wedge of Doom does start lifting and pushing Tentoumushi 7.0, but it soon becomes obvious that these are precision taps meant to push Tentoumushi 7.0 onto her back under the pulverizer. Tony is good at this. Tentoumushi 7.0 ends up on her back under the pulverizer. Massive pulverizer hits to Tentoumushi 7.0 as we replay last year. Close up of the "God Bless America" sticker on Wedge of Doom. Close up of Lisa Martin walking away dejected. The tiara is very 18-year-old indie chick.