Well this is it, the last show of the season. They've just announced the dates for Battlebots 5.0.
I was seriously thinking about travelling all the way out from the East Coast to see the spectacle,
but they're having it in San Francisco again. San Francisco used to be a nice place to visit.
Then the dot-bombs moved in and ruined everything because they drove out all the interesting people
and replaced them with 23 year-old poseurs who sit in Aeron chairs and order $500 bottles of wine.
Besides, it's too nice here in May to travel elsewhere. Maybe November and Bots 6.0.
Hazard vs. Heavy Metal Noise
We're at the end now, we've seen all these bots, I'm not going to have to describe any of them today.
OK, RFT. Middleweight semifinal. You know, I like when Hazard fights. I could get lazy
and just have a stock blurb that I stick in as the review. It would go something like
"Hazard puts several hits on [insert
opponent here] reducing him/her to a large pile of random broken parts, twisted sheet metal,
and useless weapons". But I'll play along and give the slightly more detailed report. Hazard puts
a hit on Heavy Metal Noise and immobilizes her. Then another hit that sends her flying a bit.
The third hit
removes one of her wheels. A fourth hit sends her flying across the box in one direction, and a
large piece of metal in a separate direction. We then watch as the majorly immobile Heavy Metal Noise's
remaining circular blade slowly stops spinning. Replaying the last hit shows that it was Hazard that set
the circular blade in motion in the first place. Hazard starts the victory spin, Game Over for Heavy Metal Noise in about
15 seconds.
Complete Control vs. Zion
Actually, I don't ever remember seeing Zion before so I'll have to actually explain what this bot looks
like. Zion is a big metal box with lexan top, kind of shaped like Biohazard on growth hormones. The lifting
arm appears to be about an inch wide, and I'm not sure how effective it's going to be against the
major jawage of Complete Control.
OK RFT. This is a middleweight semifinal match. There's all talk among the announcers about
Complete Control taking off out of the box early before the green light, but I can't tell because the camera is all focused on
the light tree instead of the battlebox. We've got some bumping and some flexing of jaws and
lifting arms. Complete Control surfs the killsaws. It looks like Complete Control gets the lower jaw stuck in a floor seam
and his back wheels come off the floor like a bucking bronco. Complete Control extricates himself from the seam
and bumps into Zion some more. Complete Control gets the jaws kind of under Zion and lifts him up almost vertical
giving us an extended view of Zion's underbelly. Zion crashes to the floor in the vicinity of the
saws. Complete Control gets a partial lift on Zion, and then drives over the top of him. Alright, here we go.
Complete Control has the jaws around Zion. Clamp. Lift? Well, depends. Complete Control lifts his own back wheels very high off the
floor, almost putting a flip on himself, while Zion just sits there like a doorstop.
Looks like Zion isn't going to see a lot of air today. Now it looks like the fight just went into
slow motion. We've got Complete Control slowly chasing after Zion. Now we have both bots slowly crashing into
each other. Now we've got both bots slowly motoring around the box in a random fashion. Now
we've got Zion slowly parking himself on the killsaws. Screeeech. Now we've got Complete Control slowly getting
his lower jaw under Zion. Now we've got Complete Control slowly delivering Zion back to the killsaws. Screech.
Now we've got some slow dancing around the box, which allows me time for focus on the US Army ad
being digitally inserted on the battlebox wall. Bump. Bump. Hey, action! Now we're back to Zion slowly
travelling to the killsaws. Screeech. Now we've got the bots sitting there. Looking. More
slow motion bumps. More Zion vacationing on the killsaws. More US Army on the battlebox wall.
Yawn. We still have a minute left in this fight. This could be a good time to catch a nap.
I'll wake you if something exciting happens. Oh look at this. Wake up! Zion has somehow wedged
himself under the spinner, causing Game Over for that box hazard. Zion backs himself into the screw
and then here comes Complete Control and look at that. The bots are stuck together in a big snarl. Time runs out
before anything else exciting happens. Game Over. 24-21 decision for Complete Control. I notice a complete lack of
excitement from either team. The announcers seem to think it's because neither team wants to face Hazard.
Maybe that's why Zion got himself in cozy with the saws.
Surgeon General vs. Hexadecimator
Once again we've got two bots we've seen before. There's lots of talk about Surgeon General cutting Hexy to
shreds. Since we already know that Hexy isn't making it past this round, I suspect we'll have
Hexy Julienne before long.
OK RFT. Heavyweight quarterfinal. Both robots take off, and Whap! Major collision. Major
piece of metal removed from Hexy. Now Surgeon General is busy creating a July 4th fireworks presentation
using the available metal Hexy box. Now Surgeon General runs up the wedge part of Hexy and Holy
Flying Wallendas, Batman! We've got a spectacular balancing act here. Surgeon General is invertable so she
can run inverted. But here we've got Surgeon General balanced on her ass, standing upright, halfway between
right side up and inverted. Oh my! You think this could be Game Over, but we know better because
somehow, someway, Hexy has to lose this fight. Let's tune back into our program. If you look closely
you can see Surgeon General's wheels spinning one way, then stopping and spinning other way. All of a sudden
Surgeon General is rocking back and forth, all gyroscope city, and then tip, tip, tip...thud! Surgeon General is back in business!
Surgeon General immediately runs right back up the wedge, and here's Hexy with the arm, and there's Surgeon General on his
back again. Oof. We've got Surgeon General picking up the fireworks show where she left over earlier in the
fight. Looks like Hexy is half lame now, turning on one wheel. If we put a mower blade on him we
could send him out into the cornfields late at night to make bogus crop circles. Now we've got Surgeon General smelling
the scent of death on Hexy, and moving in for the kill. Surgeon General starts to peel off Hexy's back panel.
Hexy is making it painfully obvious that not only can he only travel in circles, he can only travel
backwards in circles. Oy vey. Hexy putters a bit, then stops. Surgeon General does the victory
dance, then disperses back to the red square because there's nothing more for her to see here.
Game Over.
Hazard vs. Complete Control
Here's the middlewight final. There's all talk about Tony being scared and Complete Control standing a chance of
beating him. The boyfriend thinks that Hazard is in trouble as well. I don't think so. There's
no way Complete Control can win, because there's no way that Hazard can lose. He simply can't, it's a fundamental
law of nature that Hazard beats everybody.
OK RFT. We've immediately got Hazard chewing at Complete Control's skirt. We've got Hazard pushing
Complete Control around, creating a steady stream of sparks. We've got Hazard completely removing the back skirt
of Complete Control. We've got Hazard spewing small Complete Control parts all over the battlebox. We've got Hazard working
on Complete Control's jaw hinge. We've got smoke pouring from Complete Control. We've got Hazard removing the rest off Complete Control's skirts.
We've got Hazard causing damage to any part of Complete Control that is still intact. We've got Hazard causing
damage to the damaged parts of Complete Control. We've got a closeup of the wretched remains of Complete Control.
We've got a shot of the tortured jaw of Complete Control finally giving all hope, drooping, and dying as we move to
Game Over. Hazard victory spin. Nut to Tony! Woo-hoo!!!
A rousing round of applause for Middleweight champion, Hazard!
Now it's time to end the season with the heavyweights. This still one of my fav bots
in the running. The Coolest of All Cool Robots Tazbot! (lovingly shortened to COACRT when I
want to.) Unfortunately, out of the three opponents she could face, I realistically think there's
only one of them she could beat, and that's Overkill. Since she eventually has to face Biohazard
or Surgeon General, I'm not holding out hope for the nut. I'm just hoping that she's not going to
face Surgeon General, because if she's going to go home early, it would be nice if she was still in
one piece.
Surgeon General vs. Overkill
Hey, Overkill's gonna be the Surgeon General fodder and not COACRT. Excellent!
OK RFT. We start with an extended period of robot flamenco dancing. Ole!
Finally, finally, we get a hit. Crunch. Now we have Overkill all with the blade. Thunk.
Thunk. Thunk. The poor battlebox floor. Surgeon General chooses the strategy of destroying Overkill's ample
wheel, and begins executing the plan. Overkill soon has a bad case of nasty wheel. OK,
here's a smooth move. Overkill surfs the saws, landing squarely on top of Surgeon General. Splat.
It looks like Overkill is having an allergic reaction or something, because he's
going crazy putting hits on Surgeon General any way he can. Sideways blade, up and down blade, wedge,
nasty wheel, anything. Now we've got a sideways blade hit squarely to the front of
Surgeon General. Oof. Holy Deja Vu, Batman! We've got a horizontal spinner through the blade, AGAIN.
So now we've got Overkill and Surgeon General attached at blade, and Overkill takes a hefty hit from the
killsaws. Surgeon General, still in intimate contact with Overkill, goes along for the saw ride. Wheeee!
Now Overkill goes head on into the killsaws, and gets thrown back into Surgeon General. This separates
the bots. Let's tally the damage report at this time. Overkill: cut through the blade, nasty wheel. Surgeon General: stopped
spinning wheel, stopped bot, major breakage. Oooh. Game Over.
Now we have the winner of the bot name contest, "Evil Cheese Wedge". Being a fan of cheese,
I'm slightly amused. And the winner gets.....his name mentioned on TV! Maybe we
can throw in Atomic Wedgie as a consolation prize. I think that's the only way Team Half Life
is going to dump the thing. Ebay didn't work.
Now we've got Brad doing this "Inside the Builder's Studio" bit where he's asking the builders
stupid questions and the builders are trying to respond with the stupidest answer they can
think of off the top of their heads. This could actually be funny, say if Floyd Vivino was
asking the questions and we had a tribe of builders off camera guffawing at the top of their
lungs. But this is not the Uncle Floyd Show, this is the Carmen Electra Totally Flat and Not
Funny Double Entendre show. I find my attention wandering to the 10 foot tall banner of Vladiator
prominently displayed in the background until we get to Derek Young, Mr. Complete Control. He's
completely freaking over the stupendously retarded execution of this segment. "I'm like drawing a blank on this."
"I don't know, man. I can't do this. This is too weird." "Seriously, this isn't working for me."
This is by far the funniest interview that Comedy Central has broadcast this season. Can we hire Derek to
be the announcer for Bots 5.0?
Biohazard vs. Tazbot
I just adore Tazbot. The Coolest of All Cool Robots. And she's going home to San Diego after this
fight. I just know it. She's outclassed by Biohazard. She's not going to be able to beat him.
Sob. Sob. Sniff. At least we get some brain-dead bit about the FBI profiling Donald Hutson
(They should be profiling the Ogre dude. Now there's walking disturbance.) They've got this
beautiful shot where they have Donald's head framed by the jaws of the Bad-Ass of All Bad-Ass Robots
Diesector. The amazingly immense jaws of Diesector. I'm impressed.
OK. We've got both Mark Biero and the announcers referring to Taz as a "him",
which seems weird to me because ever since I decided to arbitrarily genderize
the bots for my reviews, Tazbot just is female. Whatever. Prefight interviews. Carlo is
excited about the hammer. Donald looks like he's drunk too much coffee. Whatever. RFT. The bots
scream out of their squares and immediately participate in a massive collision. Smash! Kapow! Ooh.
OK. Here's why Taz is going home. Carlo is such a good driver that he can get the corner of
Biohazard inbetween her metal, wedge-be-gone, spider legs. We're no longer wedge-be-gone, we're
wedge-be-here. In a big way. Then we've got the scoop, and then we've got an unsettling amount
of air between Taz's underbelly and the battlebox floor. Bad. Now it looks like Taz may have
drunk too much coffee as well because she's all running around and skittish with the head going every
which way. Now we've got Biohazard under Taz again, and Taz trying hard with the probocis, but it
just keeps going over the top of Biohazard. Bad. We've got twin killsaw hits to both bots,
and then we seem to have Biohazard terminally underneath Taz, and Taz terminally not being able
to avoid the wedge or connect with the probocis. Sad. Oh, now this is painful. We've got
Biohazard under Taz. Really under Taz. Like completely under Taz. Like totally piggyback
city. Taz is stuck. Like completely stuck. Bad. With his prize on his back, Biohazard scooters
over to the pulverizer. Looks like Carlo is going to get his hammer. Well, kind of. Pete jumps the
gun and starts the hammer swing before Biohazard arrives with the meal. The hammer is well on
its way down when Biohazard enters the picture, and lands before Biohazard can get Taz completely
under it. The hit ends up sort of on Taz's stinger and sort of on Biohazard's skirt. The hammer
also stops Biohazard's forward motion, jarring him somewhat. The coefficient of friction between
Taz and Biohazard is not large enough to keep Taz in place, and she goes sliding off of
Biohazard's back. Better. OK, now we're all back to Biohazard under Taz. Every now and then
we get the scoop, and we even get the probocis stuck in the scoop, but ultimately nothing comes of
this. Taz tries to get under Biohazard with the stinger, but it's just not happening. Now we're having this
major pushing match, kind of like a reverse tug-o-war. Biohazard is suddenly slower than he was
at the beginning of the match. Now he's asking for directions or something because he's
temporarily stopped. This allows Taz to finally get a shot in with the probocis. Thwack.
She aims for another shot and here it comes.....twink! THAT WAS SO WEAK. Now Biohazard is moving
again and we've got more of the same as time runs out. Game Over. Taz held her own, this wasn't a
blowout, but I really don't think this was her fight. 24-21 for Biohazard.
Let us now take a moment to congratulate Taz for making it to the final four. Yay! Let us now have a
moment of silence as we send Taz off on her trip home to the garage, or the cave, or the pit, or
wherever she lives when she's not in the battlebox.
...
Biohazard vs. Overkill
Here it is. Last fight of the 4.0 TV season. The last of about 8 bazillion rematches from last
year. As the camera lovingly pans over the bots during the introductions, we get a close up of
all the duct tape that is holding together Overkill's blade. It looks looks like Overkill also
managed to shake that case of nasty wheel that he caught during the Surgeon General fight.
OK RFT. Both bots are immediately on the warpath, with Biohazard getting under Overkill
and tipping him over on one wheel and stuffing him into the nearest immobile object, which in this
case is the wall. Overkill
is all with the chopper blade banging on the top of Biohazard. Thunk! Thunk! OK, we've got a
bunch more of this, with a random killsaw hit every now and then. Here's something out of the
ordinary. Overkill surfs the saws, gets some air, lands half on and half off of Biohazard, tips
on one wheel, then splats down inverted. Nice. Here's something else out of the ordinary.
Overkill rides the spikes, tips over on one wheel, splats down inverted with the wedge on top
of the chopper blade, and immediately takes a pulverizer hit to said wedge and blade. Now
here's a work of art. Overkill has managed to get his chopper stuck on the spikes.
Here comes Biohazard to push Overkill and attempt to snap off the chopper. The chopper bends,
and bends, and bends....and finally comes free of the spikes. Drat. I was looking forward to
some major fracture action. Biohazard is now pushing Overkill around the battlebox, and here
comes the scoop, and there goes Overkill up, and over, and splat! Overkill hits the floor inverted.
Or maybe right side up. I don't know, Overkill looks the same up and down. Now Overkill is
having spasms with the chopper. Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Every now and then Biohazard wanders into
range and we've got some nice connections between the chopper and the top of Biohazard. It looks
like Biohazard can no longer fully retract his scoop. This does not stop Overkill from driving
over him and inverting himself. Ooh. That was cool, Overkill just did this pirouette thing
on one wheel. Pretty. Now we've got Overkill reintroducing himself to the saws, and then getting
some good thunks in on the top of Biohazard. Biohazard motors away and surfs the saws while
Overkill gets in some good thunks on the top of the floor. We go through a period of bot tango
and apparently there must be some psychic connection between Overkill and the saws because he
just keeps returning for more abuse, either under his own power or with some help from Biohazard.
We've got some more random hits and then Game Over. 28-17 for Biohazard. Carlo gets his nut
back.
So we've exhausted our supply of bot battles but not of host segments. We've got one more
"Actors studio" with Brad. Highlight: Derek Young speechless at this poorly written segment,
and Derek Young going "Now that one's ridiculous".
So we've all lived through another season of Battlebots. If I may comment on one last thing.
Many moons ago, the Happy Flowers recorded a song called Unhappy Meal. "I don't want a Happy Meal!
I don't want a stupid toy! I want a weapon! I want an Unhappy Meal". Well folks, Unhappy Meals
have finally arrived. Yes, your Unhappy Meal will now come complete with a battlebot, a toy
version of a machine that is specifically designed to destroy and kill other similarly designed machines. What kills me
though, even more then the concept of the bot toy in the meal in the first place, is that I've
heard scuttlebutt that the names of the bots may be changed. Diesector to D-Sector and Overkill
to O-K. WTF! Die and kill are inappropriate words for little kids? THEY'RE BATTLEBOTS FOR GODS SAKE!
Enough. I'm going to go off and wait for the Episode 1 and 2 reruns, before I bust a vein
or something. Till the summer, ciao!
